Location: 17:00 yest, Asian supermarket buying corn
Mood: awake
Music: been waitin’ all my life, and now I found you

Ring by Aki Lo

I haz Mac.

The little nerd is me’s doing cartwheels.


Left my ring at the wrestling mat the other day. When I first got it years ago, my mom was certain that I’d lose it within a few months.

It’s the only piece of jewelry I wear on a regular basis. It’s actually not the ring you see above, mine’s silver and black – pretty sure that if you look at some pics, it’ll be there.

It’s not so much that it’s my college ring but that my parent’s got it for me. Back then, they never’re ones for frivolous things like rings, which made it all that more important to me.

Was all panicked that someone woulda heisted it but the owner of the gym said she found it and kept it for me. Picked it up the very next day. 18 years I’ve had it.

Onea the few things wouldn’t sell or part with for anything.

YASYCTAI: Clean out the junk on your harddrive. Jeez, there’s a lotta junk. (hrs/1 pt)


Breaking up is hard to do

Location: home all day
Mood: coughy
Music: just can’t keep on running away so it stops today

Building on 42nd Street

Posting on Tuesday and Thursday mornings starting this Thursday (yawn).


Her: (backing away) Please don’t eat that.
Me: It’s fine.
Her: I’m begging you not to eat that. It’s got to be rotten.
Me: It’s fine. I’ll microwave it, it’ll kill everything.
Her: (gagging) I can’t…I can’t…
Me: (pressing buttons) What? I’ll put mustard on it. It’ll be fine.
Her: (exiting kitchen) I’m gonna be sick…

Me: (opening microwave) It’s fi..whoa. Maybe that is bad. (thinking) Nah…



Yes, it’s true. It is Mac. Didn’t mean for it to happen. Just did. Your suspicions were right, we were together those times when my brother brought her by the place.

If it makes it any better, dunno why it might, it’s not like I traded in for some younger model as she’s older than you. Say this cause I know that her looks have made you jealous in the past and wanted to tell you that you look, honestly, as good as she does or even better now. The work that you had done late this month was really stunning. Really.

But – it’s not been your looks. It never really has. It’s just the times you left me hanging. Waiting. Hoping that this time, this time would be different.

And it just never was.

Gave you everything y’asked for: RAM, done. Bigger Harddrive, there. Speedier videocard, bam. Never enough.

And a relationship’s not just about the parties involved, it’s also what they come with, their family’s. The Dells, the Toshibas, the HPs – the HPs were the worst – they were, to be polite, never what they seemed to be.

We spent almost 20 years together – 20 years! Defended you when everyone was against you. But y’never did the same for me.

Can’t take the constant disappointments. Waited until now, after your latest operation and, like I said, you look and work amazingly. Sometimes, a relationship’s too damaged to repair. too little, too late.

Y’still have your admirers and your new looks. But I gotta go and do right by me. Not outta your life forever, though. Y’can’t just walk away from two decades of shared memories just like that.

But you’re not my number one gal anyone and for that, I’m sorry. Can’t spend another two decades waiting for you to get it right.

YASYCTAI: Back up your data – it’s your digital life. (60 mins/1 pt)


Still (sorta) Goal-Oriented

Location: 13:00 yest, Allen and Stanton
Mood: busy
Music: Comment faire verrai-je un jour la fin de ce calvaire

girl in a cat costume hula hooping in Central Park

Back to our regularly scheduled nonsense. Told y’about the pic above, yeah?

Him: Can I tell y’something?
Me: Y’know me, I’m a vault. Nuthin you’ve ever told me in a decade’s ever come out.
Him: (sarcastically) Yeah right, what about that time you got hammered on Scotch and you told everyone about…wait a sec, that was me.
Me: Sheyeah…

Ran around Chinatown today and stopped by Rain’s. He and I’re somewhat unique in that we both got enormous NYC pads despite, or perhaps resulting in, our never having any coin.

Now he’s got dogs now running all over the joint. Not a dog person myself. Not an animal person in general – unless they’re slow roasting with some lemon and salt. Kidding! (sorta)

Y’know, this book Animals Make Us Human says that all animals are wired to feel four emotions – three negative and one positive. They wanna avoid:

  1. pain
  2. fear; and
  3. panic; but they desire
  4. a goal. Any goal.

Cattle, apparently, are pretty happy cause they got all four.

Think we’re the same way. Said it before, the purpose of life is to have purpose. Realized tonight that my best friend was missing having a goal and that was getting to her.

Back to Rain, we (sorta) got a new goal – pitched him another non-income producing art project along the lines of Bachelor Cooking and 72nd to Canal – and he seemed to be pretty positive about it.

Lemme piece something together and we’ll see what happens.


Also in the book is that, apparently, we never know what cats’re thinking cause they don’t have eyebrows.

YASYCTAI: What are your goals for the day? Week? Month? Year? (60 mins/2 pts)


Leigh Sakoda

Apologies, I interrupt our usual nuthin for a quick something.

If you’ve been reading this for any amount of time, y’know that real names are verboten. Unless there’s a good reason.

This was Lee – Leigh Sakoda, actually. She wasn’t a close friend, or a dear friend. She was, however, someone that I spoke to every day for two years at my old gig. And never will again. That means something to me.

Wish I dropped her a line like I said I would. That means something to me too.

Since I got no scratch right now to send her way, putting this up for now, to remind me to do it when I do.

In my head, she looked like that pic above, always smiling. The world’s lost a good soul.

Back to the usual nonsense tomorrow.

Nite, Lee.

Location: 2 hours ago, stabbing someone in the throat in the UWS
Mood: still pensive
Music: to everything there is a purpose


Conversations on life

The Clock at NYC's Grand Central

Me: How high’s your blood pressure?
Her: XXX over XXX.
Me: HOLY COW! Eat some oatmeal, mom!
Her: I can’t, I’m having a mango.
Me: (exasperated) I didn’t mean right now…

HG: Why couldn’t you sleep?
Me: Was screwing around online and got a notice from a friend that a girl I worked with passed away. She just got married. Cancer. Thing is, had her email addy the whole time. Kept thinking I’d drop her a line but..never did. Dunno why.
Her: (patting my shoulder) I’m sorry about your friend.
Me: She wasn’t a friend so much as someone I knew. But she always said “Hi” to me. It’s just that she was younger than me. Seems so unfair. Never woulda thought…

Still believe that A man’s dying is more the survivors’ affair than his own. But she was too young to go, I think.

Went to church this past Sunday. It’s hard to have faith in the big city.

It’s hard to have faith when you’re at an age where everyone’s getting older, people y’know die, madmen say’n do mad things. Doesn’t make any damn sense.

But there’s this song that has this line that goes, Thank goodness for the good souls that make life better. So I turn to you and I say, if it wasn’t for the good souls, life would not matter,
Him: Why does my daughter look Chinese, dude? She’s 1/4 Asian and it looks like there’s not a drop of black in her.
Me: It’s a girl! Congrats! And…um…I’ll be in Mexico…for the forseeable future.
Him: (laughing) I swear, if she starts talking a lot with her hands, I’ll find you.
Me: Don’t blame me that my people’s gene’s are strong.

Thank God for the good souls.

Bye, Lee. It sounds like you had lotsa good souls around and I hope they make it through this somehow. I’m sorry you had to go. You were way too young to go.

Location: 16:00 yest, turning onto Van Dam to go home
Mood: pensive
Music: Christ, I’m out of my mind


What I do, how I do it

Location: 13:00 yest, E on Williamsburg, 17:00 W on 59th St
Mood: rushed
Music: In this world it’s hard to get it right

A recent exhibition at the Grand Central

My leg’s not fallen off. This is a good sign. You’ll be apprised, should the situation change.

Still sick though. Can’t shake this damn cough.


Went out to Brooklyn today for a potential gig. Never know if it’ll actually happen but y’gotta go for every thing out there when you eat what you kill.

Sometimes y’land a whale; most times it’s just sardines.


My brother’s trying to convince me to get a Mac. Problem’s that I’m so useda doing what I do, how I do it.

Rain once said,

Imagine if y’go to a bar and there’re beautiful women everywhere. Y’walk up to the hottest broad, say something, and she loves it. And everything y’say to every women works.

In real life the bar sucks, the women are only ok and nuthing y’ever say to them works.

The first part’s like working with programs on a mac, the second’s the crap you use.


Halloween’s coming up. Dunno what it’s like where you are, but here in the Big City, it’s carte blanche for the girlies to tart it up.

Halloween rocks.

YASYCTAI: It’s time to buy a costume. Y’gotta, cause if y’wait any longer, you’ll spent $70 for a jedi robe that doesn’t fit properly and go to a party where it’s all dudes who did the same things. (15 online mins/0.25 pts)


Lovely Tupperware

Location: 23:00 yest, with a large knife in my small bathroom
Mood: ill
Music: Too late for the young gun This is the year of the knife

(c) bernard chatreau

Old NYC graffti subway car by bernard chatreau

Me: That’s not how it looks.
Her: How does it look?
Me: At dusk, the 7 train would be packed with Asian teenagers. That’s totally fake.

Just saw the remake of Pelham 123 – the last scene shows someone riding the 7 train pretty much by his lonesome. The 7 train, in the early evening, is never that empty. Moreover, even when it is slightly empty, there’s always a dozen or so Asian teenagers on board at any given time.

I should know, I was onea them growing up.

1 hour 14 minutes into the film, there was a single shot of an Asian for a second.

Not onea those Asian activists – in fact this may be my only post in three years that even discusses what I am and not who I am – but it does bug me when we’re completely figuratively whitewashed outta of a movie.

Then again, it doesn’t really matter to me. Cause film’s all fantasy anywho. Reality is, we’re all up in this joint.

Funny thing is, who’s fantasy is it where you see onea us for only a second?

Have you met us? We’re lovely.

And when you order food from us, we give you tupperware.


Me: Got a small abscess in my leg like last time and just spent the last 20 minutes digging it out with a knife and toothpicks. Question, do I have to keep hacking at my leg until I see blood?
Him: You may be the dumbest smart person I know.

Word of advice: If you find yourself low on rum, with a painful wound, a large hunting knife, several toothpicks, some gauze and alcohol, it’s never rarely a good idea to do self-surgery. A conference with the Professor indicates that perhaps the wrong course of action was chosen.

I’m my own worst enemy, a danger to myself. In other news, I’ll be visiting the pharmacy tomorrow. Purpose: Painkillers and antibiotics.

Said we’re lovely, never said we’re particularly bright. I mean, we’ll stomp all over that curve but still…

YASYCTAI: If you had to, would you know how to take care of a wound? If not, pick up a book. (120 mins/1 pt)




Went for a walk with my girl downtown this past weekend. Maybe that’s what made me sick again. Was worth it though. There’re few things in life as a walk down Central Park and Broadway on a nice day. Saw a girl in a cat costume with a hula hoop.

Been taking all of the junk I found cleaning my cellar and selling it on ebay, craigslist, you name it. Found this one dress with a price tag that said $14,000 in there and more computers than y’can shake a stick at.

Some things I remember, some things I have no idea how they got there. Story of my life, yeah?

In A Study in Scarlet, Sherlock Holmes said to Watson that the mind’s like an attic – you can only have so much crap in it before you run outta room.

Einstein echoed this when he said that, Never memorize what you can look up in books.

But I digress, point is that I’m tossing a lotta old stuff to make room for new stuff.

Still sick – my head’s stuffy. But I’m trying to clear things out. Wanna unclutter my mind and suppose that starts with uncluttering everything else.

Location: 16:00 yest, Grand Central
Mood: still @#$@#$ sick
Music: Singing to my pillow, I woke up out of tune.



Location: having a gyro with my pop east of 11354
Mood: still sick
Music: lemme light your candle, cause mama I’m sure hard to handle

: You getting closer to normal.
Me: You mean, “normalcy.”
Her: (shaking head) Well, you just took a step back.

Woke up this morning and fixed myself a killer filtered ground bean soup with cow-baby food. But just cause I can’t go a day without it, also had some roasted mashed peas with pre-digested insect vomit and baked wet flour along with it. Big fan of insect vomit. Especially when I’m sick. Wish I had liquid from a citrus reproductive unit to go with it but no luck.

Heartgirl just boiled some water with vegetables and dissolved insect vomit cause my cold’s coming back.

Stupid cold.


Agree with Obama’s assertion that the phrase, Just words, is insulting. Words’re how we organize the world around us, not just to other people but to ourselves.

Was out with my girl the other day and we heard a guy just screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs in middle of Columbus Circle. And the people around him were visibly uncomfortable.

Look, sometimes few things match the situation better than expletive. And sometimes, y’gotta cut some people slack cause it’s the only vocabulary they got.

But what if it’s not? Cause, sometimes cursing’s just cursing, and that’s fine. But sometimes cursing’s showing the other person how y’process the world.

And that might not be what y’want.


Woke up this morning and fixed myself a killer cafe au lait. But just cause I can’t go a day without it, also had some peanut butter and honey on a biscuit with it. Big fan of honey. Especially when I’m sick. Wish I had some lemon juice to go with it but no luck

Heartgirl just made me some tea with honey cause my cold’s coming back.

Damn cold.

YASYCTAI: Clean up that stack of magazine: read or toss. (240 mins/2 pts)


Art beneath the canopy glow

Location: the interwebs, trying to get something 46x35in
Mood: frustrated
Music: accounts of peace while passed beneath the canopy glow

Edward Hopper Room in New York

Ended up making pizza. Tasted great, looked terrible. Gonna try again and take some pics for you.


Late posting cause I spent the last two hours trying to get an oversized print of Hopper’s Nighthawks. If you’re in Chicago, y’should really see it in the museum – never have myself.

If y’ever came by my pad, you’d see that my walls are bare except for one thing my pop drew for me once.

But, realized that barren walls don’t make a home, so been looking for some artwork with my very limited scratch. Hopper’s got a good sensea how solitary the city’s sometimes. Y’can have someone surrounded by people and still by yourself; or even be at home with someone and still be by your lonesome, like his Room in New York.

Sides him, kinda partial to vintage posters like the kind below.

Thing is that, always thoughta home as someplace else. George Carlin useta say something like, a house is just the place where y’keep your stuff. So, I was never one to get even more stuff, like artwork.

But, being 36, suppose it’s time to call a place home already, yeah? Ergo, stuff. Ergo, art.

This’s my first real piecea artwork that I’ve not made myself.

Tell me something, what else should I consider?

Vintage poster of a ship - KNSM Oceanliner
Vintage poster - Altes Plakat Auto Kesselberg-Rennen by Klotz, Anton und Kienast, Eugen, (Klokien)

YASYCTAI: Tell me what art y’like. (5 mins/0.5 pts)