Author: Logan Lo

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Mother’s Day 2017

Thank you Mrs. McCarthy


Went to yet another hospital ER room this past weekend – and it wasn’t even for Alison. One of my other two atomic bombs went off again.

This was on top of another indescribable weekend. There’s not much to do but bear it.

I’d like to say that this was Alison’s second Mother’s Day as a mother but it really wasn’t. She barely registered anything.

Bought her this card months ago, hoping to give it to her. Never got a chance to. Doesn’t make it any less true though.

Alison is nothing if not extra-ordinary. Sometimes, though, I wish she was just ordinary. Perhaps then, she’d be able to stay with me.

I’d give anything if she could just stay.

Speaking of extra-ordinary – I haven’t really mentioned it because I try to keep as much of the lives of those around me as private as possible – I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you that, during the past 18 months, Alison’s mother has been here with me almost every single day and night to take care of her and the kid.

She came here with four days worth of clothes right when Alison gave birth so that she could help out for the first few days. And then everything went to hell.

And she just stayed. There is no way that I could have possibly taken care of Alison and Nate without her. And she has been far stronger than I, which humbles me.

Whereas my pain is deep, I cannot imagine the pain of a mother watching his/her child go through what Alison has gone through. Wouldn’t want to. But she has, somehow. Stoically.

Alison’s parents are a major reason I married her.

Cause, when you marry someone, you don’t just marry them, you marry their family. And these are people I’m truly honored to call family.

Despite my losing so much money and being as old and broken as I am, they have never been anything but wonderful to me.

While this may reflect badly on their own parenting skills, I’ll take what I can get.

When Alison and I got married, I promised them that she would be safe. Part of why I’m so heartbroken is because I feel I’ve failed them. Yet they never say anything negative about anything I’ve done, even though I constantly doubt every decision I’ve made.

Alison’s mother asked if I would keep them in Nate’s life in the future, a question I found very strange.

Me: Are you serious? You’re the only family he’s known for the past 18 months.
Her mother: Things change over time.
Me: (shaking head) I want Nate to know his mother. By knowing you two, he’ll know her. That’s what she’d want. That’s what I want.

\’

Location: at the foot of her bed
Mood: so very broken
Music: I’m fragile. I try not to be

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Alison Music: Her Diamonds

Can’t take no more


Essentially, the entirety of this song lays out what last month has been like.

Can usually make it to the part that goes: “She tried her best and now she can’t win” before I have to stop playing it.

Everything we do now, we do with the goals of (a) providing Alison some comfort and (b) fulfilling what she would want most if she couldn’t make it.

For the latter, it’s to make sure that Nate is going to be ok.

As I mentioned to you in the last entry, between the theft, the fertility treatments, and the past 18 months of expenses, the donations you’ve provided for her will also help me raise him the way she would have wanted.

That’s all we can do now.

She’s been sleeping almost all day these days. So we – her mother and I – sit and wait with her.

\’

Location: at the foot of her bed
Mood: dazed
Music: I sit down and I cry too, but don’t let her see

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Cary, Carey, Kari

Some more of the story

A shocking number of my friends and family have never met Alison, or met her only once.

We gave a million reasons why. But the whole story starts like this: A decade ago, a family friend stole my life savings.

When I met Alison, was still struggling to get my life back together again. But she loved me anyway.

She could have had anyone and she chose me.

That’s part of why I was so busy. Was trying to make back 30 years of savings first. But she was busy too.

After we got married, we immediately tried to start a family. And failed. Repeatedly.

Ultimately, we went to several specialists and spent a huge chunk of our savings, including what I had saved up since the theft, trying to have a kid.

She was essentially pregnant for four years straight. And she lost six pregnancies. Six.

People are often crushed with one. You cannot imagine the heartache that comes with six. In a row.

Four were miscarriages. Two were ectopics. If a miscarriage is traumatic, an ectopic is devastating. With an ectopic, you’re in the horrifying position of praying for a miscarriage.

This is after sticking herself with needles every single goddamn night for years.

But it got worse. As I said in an entry I wrote about our very last loss, there’s always room for more down. That loss almost destroyed us because we heard a strong heartbeat only to lose it a few days later.

And the close friend in this entry was Alison. She had to have surgery due to another failed pregnancy.

Whenever we did go out, people would inevitably ask, “Are you planning on having kids?” And what do you say to that? When she actually was pregnant and she didn’t drink, people would always ask annoying questions.

We were tired of it all. So we either turned down all invitations or she just stayed home and I went out. This was for four years.

It’s funny but I have three good friends named Cary, Carey, and Kari; one has never met her and the others only met her once or twice in a all these years.

We never told anyone. Because we just kept hoping that someday, we’d have a family.

When she finally gave birth to Nate, we thought it was over. All the heartbreak, fear, dashed hopes, and loneliness. What we got instead was much, much worse. So much worse than our worst nightmares.

She deserved so much better than this. Her birthday is in a few days.

You wanna know the craziest thing? That’s not even everything. There’s more. But I don’t even think our story up to now is believable.

Her: We were finally supposed to get a good Christmas.
Me: (quietly) I know. I’m so sorry.

Location: at the foot of her bed
Mood: Guess
Music: Go to the ends of the Earth for you

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Alison Music: Everyday is a Holiday with Alison

The crescendo to that melody I love


Broke my own heart yesterday. I’ll tell you more about it when I patch it up some. Gimme a bit, cause it’s a mess.

It’s all such a mess.

———-

Esthero’s Everyday Is a Holiday starts with the lines:

Met him on Sunday, loved him by Tuesday afternoon.
Woke up on Friday, changed my whole life to make some room

Which is much like how my relationship with Alison started off – at least the second time when we had more than a few words with each other.

I told every single woman I met during my dating years that, “I’m looking for my person. I suppose you are too. Let’s figure out if I’m yours and your mine.”

With Alison, though, I figured out that she was my person almost immediately – in fact, I broke things off with a few people because just meeting her made things a bit clearer for me.

I’ll say “When I think of you, you’re like my favorite song
Or that melody, that melody I love”
And it goes, La da da da da da da da

If every thing I love in my life is a series of songs – moments, family, friends – then my time with her is my favorite melody.

And if the rumors are true, I can look forward to
Some better days and getaways, so nice
‘Cause when I am with you, you’re the crescendo to that melody
That melody I love, yeah, da da da da

For us, the rumors weren’t true. We only had a few better days and getaways, but at least we had them with each other. I am forever grateful that I met her in this world.

And she and the kid have been the crescendo to that melody, that melody I love.

Years ago…

Me: It’s like that song from Esthero: I met you on Sunday, loved you by Tuesday afternoon, and changed my life on Friday to make some room.
Her: (amused) How many times have you used that line?
Me: Just this once. It’s a one-shot line – and if it works, we’ll get married and have our better days and getaways.
Her: (laughing) OK.
Me: So, you love me too?
Her: (nodding) Like a fat kid loves cake, Logan.

\’

Location: at the foot of her bed
Mood: Take your saddest moment. Multiply it by 10,000. Then double that, because I have two people I love dying. And all I can do is f______g watch.
Music: Around a quarter to two, I have remembered all my lines

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Selene, Alison, and me

Am I being selfish?

I’ve talked about Selene a lot in the past. She was the Greek goddess of the moon. When I was single, in my late night insomnia, she was my constant companion.

Used to look up and ask: “OK, who’s our lucky contestant tonight?”

Story goes that Selene loved a mortal and begged Zeus to give him everlasting life. He did, but there was a catch – there’s always a catch – the man would live forever, but only if he slept.

A report came out a week ago that said lots of thinking – essentially being awake – could lead to a spike in brain cancer for those that had it.

Anecdotally, we think that part of the reason Alison survived so long is because she slept for months after the surgery.

Always felt it was selfish of Selene to keep her love asleep to simply keep him with her.

How is that love?

Wonder if I’m being selfish now. It’s easy for me to say to Alison that she has to fight. She’s the one fighting.

And she’s been fighting for 18 months straight. That’s actually not true – she’s been fighting things for five years straight.

However brave and strong you think my wife is, you only know half the story. She is stronger – and the story, more tragic – than you know. I’ll tell you about it soon.

Because you should know how very special she is.

Back to Selene: To what kind of life did she condemn the one she loved most?

And what of me to Alison?

Her: Can I go to sleep?
Me: Yes. I’m right here.

\’

Location: at the foot of her bed
Mood: indescribable
Music: Everyone knows I’m in over my head

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Are you a religious man?

I’d rather it be the other way around

New York City church
Alison’s more confused and vomiting constantly. We decided to keep her home for as long as possible.

Oddly, ran into someone from the hospital the other day while I was out running an errand.

Him: Mr. McCarthy, how is your wife?
Me: The same. (thinking) Worse.
Him: (pause) I’m sorry. We talk about you two, you know.
Me: You’re all surprised she’s still alive.
Him: (sighing) Yes, that’s true. But also that you both keep fighting.
Me: She keeps fighting. I’m just support staff.
Him: I’ve been doing this over 20 years. Seen a lot of men just put their wives into hospice and move on.
Me: Why would anyone marry anyone if they weren’t in for the full deal?
Him: I dunno, people do. (later) Are you a religious man?
Me: Once thought about being a pastor. A fleeting thought. But I went to and volunteered for church for years.
Him: So you believe in God. You have that to lean on.
Me: I do believe in God, this is true. (pause) I just don’t think he likes my family very much.
Him: (long pause) I don’t know what to say about that.
Me: Nothing to say. My wife’s not even the only one dying. I had two others in my family with terminal illnesses. And that’s not even everything.
Him: (sighing) It’s like Job. (hopefully) He survived.
Me: Yeah. His family didn’t. I’d rather it be other way around. I’m sure he woulda too.

\’

Location: with my family
Mood: gutted
Music: Stay alive, here we go

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I already promised her

She is my person

Alison McCarthy on the Brooklyn Bridge

My birthdays have sucked lately.

We went in for an emergency MRI on Friday, despite all our plans.

The cancer is growing stronger and bigger while she’s growing weaker and sicker.

And I die a little every minute.

That picture above was taken after my buddy’s wedding years ago. Knew at that moment, she was my person.

That she loves me as deeply as she does is worth more than anything you might imagine. And I love her so. I would do anything to take this from her.

I would do anything.

For those of you that have read me for years, you know I struggle with depression and dark thoughts. I struggle now.

The people in my life know that too. So I called my mom last night.

Her: …and you? Will you be ok?
Me: No. But I’m not going to hurt myself if that’s what you’re asking.
Her: I am.
Me: I have to raise our son. I won’t let him grow up alone.
Her: Promise me.
Me: Mom, I already promised her. 

\’

Location: the saddest place you know
Mood: absolutely f_____g crushed
Music: And oh my love remind me, what was it that I said?

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A distinction without a difference

Living in willful ignorance

Hospital Scheduling Woman: April or May?

We had some more bad news a month ago. Didn’t tell you about it because we needed to process it all.

They found yet another spot on her MRI. The doc told us to wait and see if it’s actually cancer or if it’s the treatments doing their thing.

For those of you keeping score, that’s four spots of cancer: Two confirmed from the original cancer, one from January, and this new one they found last month.

We had the option of another MRI this past Monday but we decided to wait until May.

There are a number of things that the people that know me in real life hear me constantly say.

Such as: That’s a distinction without a difference.

This is a both a legal term and a logical fallacy where someone points something out that has no bearing on the issue at hand.

For example, right now, everyone’s talking about the United Airlines passenger that was violently dragged off a plane.

Now some news outlets are saying he had a criminal past. But this is a distinction without a difference; it has no bearing on the fact that he was violently dragged off a plane.

Suppose that’s another post for another time.

Getting back to our situation, I’m always anxious these days. I wanna know what’s going on in Alison’s head. Literally.

Yet, knowing – at this point – is worse than not knowing.

Because we might change course when we should give all the things we’re doing time to work.

And, really, we don’t have too many options right now. Knowing if it’s more cancer won’t change the job that needs to be done. So we wait and hope.

Me: May.
Hospital Scheduling Woman: OK. (pause) Are you sure?
Me: No. But that’s a distinction without a difference. We’ll come in May.

\’

Location: Anxiety City
Mood: anxious
Music: Every one a tragedy

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If only some other country built a Great Wall

Then we’d know how it works out


Still waiting on news with Alison so I thought I’d write yet another political post, which I have rarely done in the past but these are different times.

All this talk about a wall reminds me of something I told you years ago that I’ll retell now.

For thousands of years, China was invaded by the north by:

  • The Xiongnu (aka Attila the Hun) between 133 BC to 89 AD.
  • The Jurchen between 960–1279AD, and they won (!) ruling China for over a century.
  • The Manchus, who invaded from the north and controlled China for over three centuries, 1644 to 1912.

It goes on.

In any case, some bright-eyed fella hit on the idea to build a wall. And for the next 1,800 years, they did just that at the cost of $13 billion to $65 billion. Finishing it at 13,170 miles, which is over five times the distance from NYC to LA.

When it was done, they kept an eye on that wall.

Then in 1839, the Opium Wars started – in the south – by a buncha white dudes. It never entered China’s imagination that (a) white dudes from (b) the south might try to invade. Cause it never happened before.

And guess what, they had no significant army, no significant navy, and no firepower of any consequence for the task to come. Because when you spend all your scratch on something to fix yesterday’s problem, when tomorrow’s problem comes, you’re in a lotta trouble.

The builders of the wall never had the imagination to think they could be invaded from anywhere but the north, and the arrogance to think that if they couldn’t imagine it, no one else could.

China paid for their myopia: Once the new invaders came, they sliced the country up into a buncha little colonies that only started to be sorted out a hundred years  – and millions of dead Chinese – later, with WWII, the Korean War, the Vietnam war, and whatever this insanity is with North Korea.

It’s still being sorted out as China pushes into the South China Sea.

My point is that China trained itself to respond to yesterday’s threat with yesterday’s technology, blowing out its funds while doing it.

A great wall was easily defeated in 1839. 178 years later, a fool is going to try the same thing again, expecting a different result.

 

\’

Location: a white couch
Mood: impatient
Music: Do you believe in what you see

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Button, Button

Our experience on Obamacare


When I was a kid in the 80s, they brought back The Twilight Zone.

One of the stories, called Button, Button, taught me a valuable lesson about empathy; so much so that it stayed with me for some 30 years.

It was about a couple that was given a box by a stranger. On the box was a button. If they pressed the button, they’d get $200,000 but someone – whom they didn’t know – would die.

After a lotta struggle, the wife ultimately pushes the button. The next day, the stranger returns, gives them $200,000 and takes the box back.

When they ask what happens next, the stranger says that he’ll give the box, and the same offer, to someone else – someone that they don’t know.

No one’s asked me but I’m sure people are wondering: “What are you doing with all the money you’ve raised?” It’s only fair I answer it.

Originally, we weren’t sure how much our original insurance was going to pay towards Alison’s treatment. Her cancer was on the aggressive side of aggressive. The only “lucky” thing about our situation was that we were already on the platinum level of Obamacare, which essentially meant that we pay 10% and insurance pays 90%.

It has been a godsend to us. At last count, Alison’s 2016 cost of care was around $2.8 million dollars. Without the Affordable Care Act, the kid and I would be bankrupt and Alison would be dead. It’s that simple.

But we’re not and she’s not, thanks to the ACA and everyone’s generosity.

With what’s left of our money, we’re paying for normal expenses – mortgage, food, bills – some experimental drugs, physical and occupational therapy, and exploring future options, like a potential cancer vaccine in Germany.

Mainly, though, we’re saving up to see what happens with the ACA. So we’re watching the news daily to see what unfolds.

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot about #Trump Regrets and how so many people are regretting voting for Trump because they realize that things like their meals and lives are jeopardy.

Yet, it’s hard for me to feel very sorry for them.

It’s like the box. They knew someone would suffer. That someone – like Alison – might die. And they were ok with that, until they realized that the person that would die might be them.

Her: What will they do if they lose their insurance?
Me: They’ll die the same way they lived: Never knowing that when you save someone else, you save yourself. It’s a shame for a million reasons.

\’

Location: about to start some more PT
Mood: fighting the schadenfreude
Music: Give my love to the future of the humankind

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