Her chair was never dusty before

I love you oh so well

Gymgirl: You have glitter on your face.
Me: Dammit. I’m a 44 year-old man and covered in glitter all the time.
Her: Yes. You’re a very sparkly 44 year-old man.

The kid goes to art class twice a week. This means twice a week, I do a double batch of laundry and search for glitter in my house. It’s things like this that I think Alison woulda loved. Being a mom.

In many ways, being so busy is a good thing. Keeps me from dwelling on stuff. That’s why the quiet nights are the worst. Got time to think of everything and don’t wanna.

Artistgirl dropped me a line recently, just to ask for some legal advice. She’s back in the dating world. Gradgirl just wanted to say hi, and Daisy told me she’s happy as well.

I’d like to be happy.

The world keeps turning and I wonder how it’s possible.

Alison spent a good deal of time in her professional life trying to fight this disease called Guinea Worm. It’s gross. Don’t google it.

President Carter just announced earlier this week that it’s been eradicated from South Sudan. That woulda made Alison weep with joy. God, she was a such a beautiful soul.

Speaking of weeping, I was walking on Broadway the other day when Dave Matthew’s Oh came on right as I was in front of the medemerge. There are lyrics that go:

I hear you still talk to me
As if you’re sitting in that dusty chair
Makes the hours easier to bear.
I know, despite the years alone,
I’ll always listen to you sing your sweet song
And if it’s all the same to you
I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven, overflow and fill hell
Love you oh so well

And I just lost it.

The world turns and I look at her dusty chair and just don’t know how it does without her.


Location: Yesterday, at the dentist’s. That’s for next time.
Mood: sigh
Music: You are here with me. Makes it ok. Oh girl, you’re singing to me still.

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Logan Music: Ghost of Goodbye

She used to pick out my shirts

Logan and Alison out to dinner

Spend my nights writing, sipping rum, listening to songs that make me cry, and looking through old pictures.

I’ve become such a cliche.

The writing is random, the pictures like the one above and the songs are like She’s Gone covered by the Bird and the Bee, Everyday is a Holiday, and Her Diamonds.

Probably not the healthiest thing to be doing right now but it is what it is.

The song I’ve been listening to the most these days is Ghost of Goodbye, by Ford Turrell, which is about right except I drink rum not whiskey, unless it’s an Old Fashioned.

But yeah, otherwise, it’s about right.

Alison always loved when I wore a simple, pressed, white shirt.

Rings on the table
From the sweat off my glass
Like the trace of a memory
Stained into the past

Whiskey and water
Burns the back of my throat
For a minute it lets me
Let it all go

Can’t leave it behind me
It haunts my mind
When I try to fall asleep
It’s laying right by my side
There’s no place to hide
From the ghost of goodbye

Grey like morning
Clouds filled with rain
Like everything’s waiting
For something to change

I sip some more coffee
And get dressed for work
Remember when you used
To pick out my shirts

Location: home, alone
Mood: struggling still
Music: There’s no place to hide from the ghost of goodbye

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Alison Music: Everyday is a Holiday with Alison

The crescendo to that melody I love

Broke my own heart yesterday. I’ll tell you more about it when I patch it up some. Gimme a bit, cause it’s a mess.

It’s all such a mess.


Esthero’s Everyday Is a Holiday starts with the lines:

Met him on Sunday, loved him by Tuesday afternoon.
Woke up on Friday, changed my whole life to make some room

Which is much like how my relationship with Alison started off – at least the second time when we had more than a few words with each other.

I told every single woman I met during my dating years that, “I’m looking for my person. I suppose you are too. Let’s figure out if I’m yours and your mine.”

With Alison, though, I figured out that she was my person almost immediately – in fact, I broke things off with a few people because just meeting her made things a bit clearer for me.

I’ll say “When I think of you, you’re like my favorite song
Or that melody, that melody I love”
And it goes, La da da da da da da da

If every thing I love in my life is a series of songs – moments, family, friends – then my time with her is my favorite melody.

And if the rumors are true, I can look forward to
Some better days and getaways, so nice
‘Cause when I am with you, you’re the crescendo to that melody
That melody I love, yeah, da da da da

For us, the rumors weren’t true. We only had a few better days and getaways, but at least we had them with each other. I am forever grateful that I met her in this world.

And she and the kid have been the crescendo to that melody, that melody I love.

Years ago…

Me: It’s like that song from Esthero: I met you on Sunday, loved you by Tuesday afternoon, and changed my life on Friday to make some room.
Her: (amused) How many times have you used that line?
Me: Just this once. It’s a one-shot line – and if it works, we’ll get married and have our better days and getaways.
Her: (laughing) OK.
Me: So, you love me too?
Her: (nodding) Like a fat kid loves cake, Logan.


Location: at the foot of her bed
Mood: Take your saddest moment. Multiply it by 10,000. Then double that, because I have two people I love dying. And all I can do is f______g watch.
Music: Around a quarter to two, I have remembered all my lines

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Red Belt – The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little

Lottery tickets

Me: It’s 9:15 PM. Would it be crazy for me to run out and buy some lottery tickets?
Her: Do it. You’ve had a great week so far.

Last week, wrapped up several projects that I’ve been working on for months.

Then at 9PM last night, found out that another project I was working on came through AND I got a completely unsolicited five-star Vine Voice Review for The Men Made of Stone saying it was a Damn Good Novel.

For those of you that don’t know, a Vine Voice is an invitation-only accolade from Amazon that is for “the most trusted reviewers on Amazon.”

Between that and the Olympics last night, could barely sleep. Speaking of accolades and people with great weeks, watched as swimmers Dana Vollmer and Brendan Hansen broke two world records.

In my insomnia last night, thought of Sir Roger Bannister, the first person in recorded history to run a four minute mile.

Also thought of pancakes but that’s neither here nor there.

In any case, the thing about Bannister is that he could only train 45 minutes a day because he was studying to be a neurologist – in fact, he’s the author of the book on nervous system diseases.

This other fella named Pedro Valente Jr. is one of ten people on the planet that has a red belt (aka a 9th degree black belt) in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. That’s impressive enough. However, he’s also recognized by the New York Times as one of the top 5 plastic surgeons on the planet.

And, if you’re a long time reader of this blog, you know my idolization of Heady Larmarr who was not only a gorgeous film actress but also an inventor that patented the frequency-hopping technology we use in today’s mobile phones.

These people’re my idols cause they show that one can excel at numerous disparate things. They dispel the myth that one can be the best at only one thing, if anything at all.

It’ll take time, but I think I can be King of two things and Jack of four things. Put another way: The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little and these are people that refused to settle.

Or to quote yet another philosopher named Eminem:

Yo I won’t tell no lie, not a moment goes by
That I don’t pray to the sky, please I’m beggin you God
Please don’t let me be pigeon holed in no regular job
Yo I hope you can hear me homey wherever you are


Lottery tickets

If you haven’t picked up a copy of my book yet, here’s the first ~60 pages of it just to see what you think:

Location: home
Mood: ambitious
Music: got every ingredient, all I need is the courage


It’s better my way

My fear is my only courage

In Marley’s “No Woman No Cry,” he’s got a line that goes:

My feet is my only carriage.

But if you listen to it, it sounds more like:

My fear is my only courage.

Since I was a kid, I misheard it. Figures. My life as a kid was all wrong.

You know, back then, I was so poor and so fat, only really had four shirts. It’s all we could afford. All my fat ass could fit. Red. Yellow. Brown-striped. And this god-awful sky blue velvet one.

Hey – betcha I got more clothes than you.

I got more clothes than anyone I’ve ever met. Anyone. And I meet a lotta folk. Statement of fact, that’s all.

Cause when I made some scratch, I bought clothes. Like 200+ ties. Not cheap ties, the good stuff. Man, I don’t even wear ties. All I do is wear jeans and tee-shirts, now. Finally grew outta it, I guess.

But you never grow outta that deep fear, do you? That deep fear that makes no @#$ sense. The fear that I’ll wake up and be this fat, poor, lonely dork in sixth grade again.

You know, my classmates threw rocks at me? Seriously, rocks.

No lie, this latest drama’s no fun. But when you’re in sixth grade and your classmates think stoning you’s high sport, well, that preps you for pretty much anything.

Don’t want pity. Don’t want charity. I just want a sec. Just gimme a sec – catch my breath, get on my feet. If you wanna do something for me, buy me some rum when you see me. Otherwise,

I’ll share with you – you see, my fear yeah? Is my only courage.
Well, yes, I’ve got to push on through.
But while I’m gone, everything’s gonna be all right.


Location: my apartment, all day
Mood: hopeful
Music: don’t shed no tears


Happy Halloween

And so and now Somena

Went to a Halloween party I went to with Cain last Wednesday. Had to carry him home. So he had a great time.

Don’t know about you, but when I like a song, I listen to it a million times. Then, whenever I hear that song again, I think about that period in my life.

I listened to The National singing, And so and now I’m sorry I missed you – I had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain all the time during the fall of last year. I remember I kept thinking of my ex. I almost never think of her any more. Weird how that works.

I met my very good friend Somena a year ago on Halloween. She was a librarian. Who says you can’t have meaningful relationships from people you meet in bars? She liked to listen to Secret Meeting and pretend she was a spy.

I’d never tell her but, late at night, on those long walks home, I do the same thing.

Like I said, Venn Diagrams…

Location: 15:30-20:24, locked outta my #$#$@#$! apartment
Mood: just plain irritated
Music: Didn’t anybody tell you how to gracefully disappear in a room?

business personal

Regular Job

I’d rather it this way than have a regular life

…ain’t gon’ follow no footsteps I’m making my own…

I think you read me because you find my life interesting. Without a hint of arrogance or pride, I can tell you I find my life interesting.

Every time I write something, I think, man, no one’s gonna believe this.

But I write about what happens. And I know why these things – good (dates, tv shows, random meetings, free trips to Europe) and bad (dates, car accidents, insomnia, robberies), keep happening.

Because I keep trying. I keep pushing. I keep thinking I’m someone.

It is better to try and fail greatly then never try at all. And I fail all the time. Health, wealth, relationship. Every one of them is a failure – I got my arm torn out trying to fight; I got robbed of all the money I’ve made in 34 years; and the last one? You know…

And stupidly, I keep trying. Because I asked for all this.

Y’ever listen to 8 Mile by Eminem? There’re these lines that go:

don’t got enough pep The pressure’s too much man,
I’m just tryin to do what’s best

And I try, sit alone and I cry
Yo I won’t tell no lie, not a moment goes by
That I don’t pray to the sky, please I’m beggin you God
Please don’t let me be pigeon holed in no regular job


When I was a kid, I told God I never wanted a regular life. And it’s like He laughed and said, You got it, kid – but everything’s got a price.

Sometimes I think I should have just married No 3 and worked in that law firm and had my 2.5 kids by now. Bought myself a red Porsche. When I started to find out about everything, that’s one of the first things I thought of (the life, not the Porsche).

I think I’d rather it be this way then be stuck in a regular job. A regular life.

I’m a man, I’ma make a new plan
Time for me to just stand up, and travel new lands
Time for me to just take matters in my own hands
Once I’m over these tracks, man I’ma never look back


The thing that just about broke me, was when I had to tell my parents. My mom worries so. And my father? I think I’m like every son, I just want him to be proud of me.

But he told me to keep daring greatly. Cause he did. It’s what we do, he said, you have to keep trying. I would only be disappointed in you if you stopped trying.

I nodded and stammered in my crappy, crappy, Chinese, I will.

Location: 19:46, having diet ice cream@79th & Amsterdam
Mood: heartbroken
Music: I got every ingredient, all I need is the courage


Globetrotting Pt. II

Trip to Europe: Rotterdam to Dover, to London, to Munich, to Innsbruck

Another long and weird day. Someone from my past is knocking on my door. He’s everything I hate about myself but he and I have a history so here we are again.

Sorry so cryptic, I’m making some changes – dunno if for better or worse. I’ll let you know soon. I always do.

But back to the trip:

Skipped all the meetings and went to the New York Hotel in Rotterdam. There I wrote postcards and had a $6 glass of water and listened to someone saying, goodbye my almost lover as I wrote my friends and family.

I picked up the pretty postcard above and thought it was a bit sad I had no one to send it to.

Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

I’ll be in Dover tomorrow.

Arrived in Dover, England this morning where we left the ship. The guy that screwed up with the six hour trip to Bruges also screwed us for our Dover trip. We didn’t have to get up until 9AM but we woke at 4AM on his suggestion. Man!

At least I got to see the white cliffs at dawn. Went over London Stansted for an EasyJet flight to Munich.

Lemme just say that any airline with the word “Easy” in it is bound not to be. We ended up queuing for almost an hour.

Arrived in Munich that night where the Hotel Apollo said they lost our room but put us in Hotel Mirabell instead. Hmmmm…

Started drinking at 7PM at Oktoberfest where I met this bunch of people. Fun. I may have kissed a girl from Chicago and/or Australia – I don’t remember.

Its so hard to see clearly.


Woke up at 8AM to start drinking. Yes, 8AM. That’s how they do it there. They don’t mess around. Here’s the town walking to get hammered at 7:45AM.

We met up with some US soldiers and then a whole bunch of different people. Called it a day at 3PM. It was when I shot this video.

When to the hotel, passed out. We went to the Augustiner Großgaststätten to eat dinner.


Him: Wanna drink more or let our livers take a rest?
Me: Rest. Please.

We rented a BMW 1 (yes, they exist) and drove down to Neuschwanstein Castle and some other castles. There’re all over the damn place.

And man, those mountain roads are TWISTY! We drove through a %!#$% mountain for several minutes. Driving them in the dark was both terrifying and fun. Sorta like living in NYC.

We then decided to drive two hours to Innsbruck in Austria for dinner at the Elferhaus and had a cup of coffee at Cafe Kroell for an hour. On the way back, Mississippi, shes callin my name.

Drove to Munich in the dark with only 35Km left of gas in the gas tank. It’s funny now. Wasn’t then.

Slept for three hours at the Mövenpick Hotel München – the room was absolutely gorgeous but totally not worth it because we were there for grand total of four hours. We should have slept at the airport. Oh well…

Woke up thinking another aerorplane, another sunny place (I’m lucky I know) but I wanna go home. We then made our way to the Munich airport to Belgium then the US.

So now I’m back.
Location: 8PM, driving in circles in LIC
Mood: tired
Music: see the words in italics above


Globetrotting Pt. I

Trip to Europe: New York to Paris, to Nates, to Bruges

Couldn’t even begin to tell you about the day I had. I’ll tell you in two weeks. Promise.

For now, my trip:

Packed this morning but Jim forgot to confirm our ride. So I took the train to 34th and 7th Ave, where, like a $10 hooker, I stood on the corner to wait for a shiny silver car to pick me up.

For international flights you gotta be checked in at least an hour before the plane departs. We were scheduled for 5:55. We arrived at 4:53. After some well handled pleading, we got in. We went to the clubroom where I had a scotch (no good rum available).

We hopped on the plane and I listened to Good Souls as the plane leveled off.

Arriving in Charles de Gaule, we took the train to Nates where a driver picked us up and took us to the Hotel Hermitage in La Boule, France. It was a beautiful yet vapid place – the food was surprisingly mediocre – the hamburger I had there was one of the worst I’ve ever had it cost $40.

Was certain it’d come with a massage at that price but I was wrong.

Walking on the beach, I took the picture of a happy couple above and thought, Someday…

Cocktail parties, meet and greets, nothing of substance.

Jim and I went over to the local town where we had a plate of seafood. It was also ok; about 50% snails and not our cup of tea. I had five snails, Jim had four. Not terrible, not great.

Man, these French like to smoke. Meanwhile, the waitresses are smoking. Huh.

I wanted to tell her, “Use me, abuse me, make me write bad checks” but then I remembered I don’t speak French. So, instead we made the international symbol of check please by scribbling in the air.

Walking down the beach, I felt the cool wind in my hair.

Grabbed a ride to Nates to catch a plane to the Netherlands. There we hopped on board a private jet where the stewardesses were all dressed in the sexiest damn outfits I’ve ever seen.

Some killer food on the plane – better than most of the meals I have at home (though that’s scant surprise).

We then took a bus to our ship as I heard a blue jean baby sing.

On ship with a balcony and view. It’s where I took this video. Meetings, food, sun. Drank way too much. Got hit on by a bunch of gay guys. Great.

Not a single girl of my type in the group so I snuck out and chatted with the cute matre’d from one of the ship restaurants, Alexandra. I told her to ring me if she was ever in my town and she said she would.

I thought that I don’t wanna be walked on just before I fell asleep.

Went to Bruges, Belgium from the Netherlands to have lunch at the Half Moon Brewery. It was interesting, the food and beer was topnotch BUT it totally wasn’t worth the three hours it took to get there and the three hours it took to get back.

The ship set sail for Rotterdam (above pic in the lobby of the New York Hotel there) and I heard someone say that everyone’s taken everything they can. I don’t think that’s true. I hope that’s not true.

More tomorrow.

Location: 3PM, staring at several Glocks in Queens
Mood: indescribable
Music: see the words in italics above

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