On (or Close to) Schedule
edit: There was a vid of me up with really dark circles under my eyes but I’ve since taken it down. Thanks for all the concerned comments last time around.
Very kind, but unwarranted.
Because I’m always hopeful.
BTW, I’m going to call my camera Fiona.
So now, if I go, it’ll be me, Harold and Fiona.
Location: my own blue bed
Mood: sick but excited
Music: My method is uncertain It’s a mess but it’s working
I’ve not told you everything, I’m afraid. Not so much a lie, more an omission.
You see, I had another blog. No, I won’t tell you where it is, I’m sorry.
But I just thought of it recently and I read through it for the first time in almost a year.
20060915::12:42
I slept another full four hours last night. I went to bed at three and woke up at seven. I wonder how long a body can last with so little sleep. There’s a line from Fight Club that goes, “With insomnia, nothing’s real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.” That’s how my days and nights feel like. I’m not so much living in my world as existing in it.
Good god, nothing’s changed.
Location: midnight, leaving subway
Mood: exhausted
Music: Can you tell me how we got in this situation?
NOTE: I shot this video last week when I was out every night. I’ve gotten some sleep since then. Thanks for the concern!
He was the absolute nicest guy. I also met Governor Hugh Carey and Queens Borough President Helen M. Marshall but it was more interesting for me to meet Koch because he was the mayor I remember from childhood.
Look terrible but I’m jazzed. It’s a pretty cool gig.
It’s blurry in my head, but the picture’s clear, so I know it happened.
Sometimes I’m not sure.
I’m sleepwalking through my life again.
——————
Whether or not I join a board (and I put up a profile just to see and it’s getting weird already), I’m sure I’ll still be able to entertain you with my offline ridiculousness.
Me: I’m sorry, where’s the bathroom?
Her: Around the corner there. See the sign?
Me: What sign?
Her: That sign, the sign with the little guy where it says “Men.”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m still learning to read. I’m up to “X” though, so I’m almost there.
Her: (pause, confused, then laugh) Smart-ass.
Me: (laugh) You’re a little argumentative.
Her: No I’m not!
Me: (pause) Yes…you’re not argumentative at all.
She asked me for a card. I told her I didn’t have one. Really didn’t.
Plus, she wasn’t my type and I’m just too tired to even attempt to be entertaining.
I need to sleep.
Location: in my childhood bed
Mood: cranky
Music: I’m not the man they think I am at home
My kid sister got married recently. I guess she’s not a kid anymore. Two weddings down; two weddings to go.
Short version: She got a letter one day from a boy she’d known years ago. He told her he wanted to meet up with her. She didn’t know why, went to see him, and he said he wanted to date her. They married less than a year later.
My insomnia has made my recent history a bit blurry. Feel slightly cheated that nothing in life is very sharp or clear.
Names, faces and events all blend together to a dull, soupy grey.
But for just a little bit, it was as if someone turned up the volume and brightened the picture; I could see that she was happy.
In the scheme of things, it’s more than a fair trade.
Location: -20 mins, saying goodbye something on the UWS
Mood: grateful
Music: in my youth or childhood I must have done something good
I’ve had the worst sleep schedule these days. Plus I’ve got a full social roster this week. Luck of the draw, really. I decided not to go to the Ed Koch banquet and instead meet up with some friends for a small social thing. I’m sure Ms. Right will be somewhere in that banquet, however, I’m a mess.
But I digress.
Topic from last post: girlie. Here’s the interesting thing about her:
But she is NOT from New Jersey. Ah, something different. She is, however, from another country. Just my luck, eh?
The next girl I meet will just eat nuts & grass and live in Istanbul (or Constantinople). I know it.
Seriously, I need to know: Is it me?
Maybe it’s my cologne.
No, it must be me.
Location: in the office you see in the first part of the sitcom
Mood: insanely busy
Music: I’ll be out Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Long post. I come to you with questions. But first, some background:
Her: Do you only date non-asians?
Me: (puzzled) Most the women I’ve dated have been Asians. In fact, I’ve only dated two four that weren’t. I’m equal opportunity.
Him: Yeah, everyone deserves an opportunity to be miserable with Logan.
With nods to Mylai, I have FOUR weddings to go to in the next two months and I’ve already RSVP-ed with a date as…oh, I’d rather not say, it’s complicated. Anyway, questions for you – answers will be much appreciated (really, I wanna know):
We’ve got a crapload of them coming your way.
Location: @12PM yesterday, hurtling up Route 9A
Mood: disappointed
Music: baby don’t waste your time I know what’s on your mind
Spoke to L the other night and she said something that made me pause.
I’m always the fling, never the girlfriend.
Her comment was a general comment, not directed at me, but it reminded me about things from both my long and recent pasts that were directed at me.
About eight years ago, I briefly dated this beautiful and wealthy trust fund baby. One day she said, “Guys always treat me like the side dish. I want to be the main course. You’re not going to do that to me, are you?”
For reasons that still escape me now, I told her I didn’t know. After some crying and choice words from her, I found myself taking a 2AM walk home. Not the first, not the last.
Also saw Blue Jean Eyes again recently. She and I both want something, I suppose, and we get along so well but…
For the last four women that loved me before Blue Jean Eyes, my but was my insomnia – and the subsequent irritability, moodiness, arguing and general insanity.
For both Blue Jean Eyes and me it’s the choices we’ve made in life but Blue Jean Eyes’s also concerned by the choices I might make in life.
Returning to L and her comment, L asked, “What does that say about me?”
Once again, I didn’t know and once again, I thought about it on a 2AM walk home.
What does that say about me?
Location: @9:42PM, Times Square
Mood: thoughtful
Music: I should know better, your dreams are never free
My hands are shaking again.
The only drug that I know that works to knock me out causes a rare but nasty side effect called tardive dyskinesia, which basically results in a funny twitch or tic in the face. It’s permanent, no cure. Yeah, like I need to be any weirder.
Ergo, I avoid taking it until I truly need to catch up on sleep. On a related note, as I’ve gotten older, I do more and more odd tics with my hands. Basically, I talk a lot with my hands.
Must look ridiculous on my mobile.
My friends make fun of me. I think they think I do it to be dramatic. Maybe I do, a little. But you ever jump up and down when you’re a kid because you’re so excited about something? Nervous energy. That’s me. My hands tingle and I can’t keep them still. Like an itch. Now that I drink, it’s far more pronounced.
So I’m on day two of little sleep. I suppose tomorrow I’ll have to give in because I’m seeing the girl with the blue jean eyes again.
A good friend told me that the secret to relationships is to find someone with baggage that matches yours. So true. She spent 25+ years being her; I spent 30+ years being me. It’s hard to bang two fully formed adults together to something homogeneous. But I guess people do it all the time.
I don’t know how but they do.
There’s a lot going against us, me and BJ eyes. She’s got her baggage; I’ve got mine. But I told her that I would honest with her if she would do the same for me.
I’ll take honesty and those eyes any day of the week.
Now if I could only get some @#$@# sleep…
Location: my living room, pacing
Mood: awake
Music: every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me
Thanks to modern chemistry, I’ve been sleeping again this week. I’m really fuzzy-headed right now. Not a good thing considering that I’ve got a two-day, sixteen hour exam at the end of this month – don’t ask.
So to wake myself up, I blare old music at all hours of the day.
I remember when I was younger, I used to put my LPs and 45s on (if you can’t relate to this, please know that I hate you) and do the same in my parents’ basement.
Heard that way back when records were made of wax, you could re-record new music by just cutting new grooves into them.
I’d like to do that with some parts of my life.
Other parts, I’d like to play
over
Location: @1PM, catching the A train downtown
Mood: busy
Music: one open mind this is my four leaf clover
I’ve had time to digest what happened over New Year’s Eve. Overall, it was great.
There were some moments I could have lived without but that’s pretty much my life.
Went to my fencing class tonight and actually got clocked because I was thinking about it. Not fun.
Well for me, anywho; the guy that hit me thought it was hilarious.
Tonight, I spoke with a girl I just met. She’s potentially going through a breakup too. That makes 11 that I know of in as many weeks. It’s gotta be something in the air. Or maybe relationships are just hard.
Someone once said to me that it’s better to be the star of your own movie than have a cameo in someone else’s.
She was totally right about that.
It’s funny because Kirk’s never been in a long-term relationship and wants to be in one; I’ve never been alone and want to try it out. But it’s not easy because it’s just nice to have someone to think about about in my quiet moments.
Oh, bother, bother – let’s just be honest with each other.
I probably already think of you, you just don’t know it, or I don’t show it.
But I’ve tricked you, you see;
It’s quiet now,
And I made you think of me.
06:13:03 AM – UPDATE
The insomnia’s back.
Location: @8:25, getting stabbed with a wooden sword on 72nd
Mood: pensive
Music: You know that I’m falling and I don’t know what to say
