Speaking of sad stories, I finally told Lviv mine before she went home for a bit.
Her: Can I ask what happened yet? Me: I suppose you earned my sad stories. I’ll need some rum. (deep breath) Her: (later) I’m sorry, Logan. Me: Yeah, so am I. Her: (wipes eyes) Man, I need a drink now. Me: Yeah. Her: I’m glad she had you. Me: Yeah. (sighing) Lucky her. She was Queen of my Heart and I was her guard.
Lviv’s heart is in NYC but her home’s somewhere else.
I understand that all too well, except in reverse.
I took that pic of Alison/Heartgirl the second night I ever met her. Told her that, if she was my Ship in the Night Girl, I’d marry her someday. I never said that to anyone.
She laughed. But she was.
She had the most beautiful green eyes and happy laugh.
There’s no sin I wouldn’t commit to see and hear them again.
Meant to meet up with a new contestant last week but I bailed and saw the most important woman in my life after Alison, instead.
Her: You don’t have to come, it’s too rushed. Me: It’ll just be for a bit and I’ll keep my distance. I miss you, mom.
But I did get to see ML for a hot second.
Me: Sorry, I’ve been busy lately. Her: It’s fine. Every time a guy is with me, their status goes up. Me: Man, and people think I’m vain… Her: (shrugging) But, it’s true. (later) Dating in NYC is awful. Me: It is. But, I think you exchange your sad story too early. People should earn your sad stories and you should earn theirs. Her: Why? Me: I want people to like being around me because I’m cool as fuck. Not because they feel sorry for me.
Mouse stopped by along with Chad on Saturday for just a bit to train with us again but then bolted to take care of her family.
It’s a shame because we all just ordered some more Vietnamese food.
She came back on Sunday with sunflowers for me and to say hi to the boy over Skype, again.
They miss each other and it’s mad sweet.
The sunflowers were a nice touch so I picked us up some Indian food. We ended up watching The Gentleman, because of a massive food coma.
The film was really excellent.
Her: (settling down) Don’t get any ideas, Logan. Me: Heavens, I would never. Her: (laughs) Suuure…
Finally got a replacement car-rental service and woke up early on Monday to see my mom for the first time in months.
I’d rented a cheap Civic but because of a whole mess of issues, they gave me a BMW instead. While that was nice, there were even more issues with the BMW so I ended up leaving an hour later than I wanted to.
Made an executive decision to see my son first. Chatted a bit with Lviv on the way there.
Me: I have to keep you safe from COVID. Lviv: What do you mean? Me: Well, I figure I can’t make out with anyone for three days before I see you. Her: (laughing) I appreciate it. You’re sacrificing a lot. Me: It’s cause I care.
My mother-in-law told my son to keep an eye out for “workmen,” so he kept a watchful eye on the front windows. When he saw me, he started screaming, “Papa! Papa!”
It was really something. I can’t explain it to you unless you’re a parent.
After a quick lunch, helped my in-laws set up a new router that I brought over because their old one was giving them spotty service.
MIL: How much do we owe you for the router? Me: I think I owe you more for childcare. Her: (laughing) Grandparents don’t charge for childcare, Logan. Me: And I don’t charge for tech help, mom.
The kid and I spent the day together, including going for a drive around town. He sang the Rolling Stones the entire time. He’s not a fan of Paint It Black.
Every time I leave, it seems to get harder and harder.
Him: I wish you could stay. Me: Just a little bit longer. Promise. Once you come back, you’ll get sick of me and miss your grandparents. Him: (nods)
Then I dashed off to see my mom and my sister and her family.
Because of the rain – and because I wasn’t feeling all that great – only saw them for 15 minutes. No hugging or anything. Goddamn COVID.
Mom: Here’s some money. Me: What? (laughing) You don’t need to give me anything. Her: It’s for your birthday. Buy something nice for yourself. And here are some 粽子. Me: Man, so many carbs. Her: It’s tradition!
I took the Belt Parkway to get home because I wanted to check in on Mouse. Her family’s dealing with stuff that I’ll let you read about yourself.
Me: Your dad ok? Her: He wasn’t getting better and we had to get lawyers involved. Me: Shoot, I’m sorry.
We only got to chat for a little bit, which was interrupted by fireworks going off literally 10 feet behind us and people knocking on our windows.
Stranger: Bring her to a hotel! Me: (puzzled) We’re just talking.
She and I almost slipped into an argument before we checked ourselves. It was nice seeing her.
It was late when I headed home. Drove by BrightBea’s pad but we don’t know each other well enough for me to just show up unannounced.
Besides, I was cutting it close, returning the car.
A lotta people don’t know, but NYC’s traffic lights are timed at 25 miles an hour, which makes sense since that’s our speed limit.
Here’s me hitting every green light around Park Slope.
Got back to the garage in the nick of time and then picked up some packages from the doormen next door before calling it a night.
Him: I’m glad you finally got to see your family. Me: You and me both, man.
I can’t think of a single holiday I like now. They all remind me of awful things. Father’s Day is no different. Although, it does have its moments.
Son: I made you a card. Do you like it? Me: I love it, thank you!
There are certain songs that I avoid. Cat Stevens’ Father and Son is one of them. But on Father’s Day – two other days a year – I’ll listen to it once, cry, and wait until it’s time to hear it again.
Ever heard it before? I hadn’t until Alison played it once to me.
It’s about an old man trying to tell his hot-headed son to slow down and enjoy the simple things of life and a young man who thinks his dad is just trying to tell him how to life his life like he always does.
I suppose it’s a story that would resonate as much two thousand years ago as it would two thousand years from now.
Father
It’s not time to make a change
Just relax, take it easy
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to know
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy
I was once like you are now, and I know that it’s not easy
To be calm when you’ve found something going on
But take your time, think a lot
Why, think of everything you’ve got
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not
Son
How can I try to explain? ‘Cause when I do he turns away again
It’s always been the same, same old story
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go
Father
It’s not time to make a change
Just sit down, take it slowly
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to go through
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy
Son
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside
It’s hard, but it’s harder to ignore it
If they were right, I’d agree, but it’s them they know not me
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go
I miss my dad as much as you would miss yours if you loved and lost him.
Son: I wanna come home. Me: When? Him: Today. Me: If you come home today, you won’t be able to see your grandparents for a long time. Him: I want to come home.
Do you ever wonder why you see dead, or dying, animals on the side of the road, rather than the middle, for the most part?
It’s because, when an animal’s injured, it instinctively heads for safety and tries to go home.
When it makes it to the side of the road, it probably thinks, in some way, I need to get home, but let me rest first.
It knows that the middle of the road isn’t safe and that the safest place is home.
While we’re not anywhere near the middle of the road, my son and I aren’t truly home, either. He’s away, and without him here, I suppose I am also. Both of us are adrift, in familiar places that we love but are not – in fact – home.
I had probably the most brutal video chat I’ve had in recent memory with the boy.
My bringing him to his grandparents was a spur-of-the-moment thing that turned out to be the best thing for him as I got COVID not soon afterward.
He’s been enjoying his time with his grandparents but I think he’s realizing that he’s been away from home far longer than he expected.
I spent the day in a haze. Gutted by this conversation and others.
Man, whoever came up with the line about “sticks and stones” didn’t know shit…
But, I did end up having a nice, impromptu, evening because Mouse was in town and dropped me a line.
Her: I’ll be in your area. I was thinking about getting pizza. Me: I’m having such a rotten day, get me three plain slices, please. I have beer.
Took a train to surprise my son at my in-laws this past weekend
Several trains, actually.
Once I got there, tried to surreptitiously dash to the kitchen but he saw and ran to me.
Him: Papa! Me: You caught me!
We had lunch together – yoghurt for him and six tacos for me (been eating a lotta tacos lately) – before my SIL suggested that the three of us go to Washington Rock State Park.
Alison last took me there years ago.
She asked that I not post a lot of things about us so I didn’t. I wish I did so I could remember it and link to it. I don’t have any pictures either.
When we got back, I gave him a gift that Mouse gave him a while back but I thought it flew so I wanted to give him when we were in green grass and shade. I was mistaken.
Him: Is she coming too? Me: No. Sorry, but I’ll tell her you liked it.
We had dinner there and then my SIL and I started to get ready to leave.
Him: I wish you could stay. You always go away. Me: I know. I’m sorry. Things are gonna get easier, I promise
In the middle of the day, I randomly got a text from someone, which made me laugh.
LViv: I’m going to a state park. Me: I just came back from a state park.
Chuck: Nice (bright red leather) jacket. Me: Oh, thanks. I had it made years ago. Finally started wearing it again. Him: Do they make it for men? Me: Evidently not!
Batman was once asked why he wore a bright yellow bat on his chest.
The lawyer in me knows it was done for trademark reasons but the writers came up with a rather ingenious reason; because criminals would aim for his protected chest rather than his unprotected head.
That’s something straight outta nature.
If you look at some rabbits and deer, they have bright, white tails. So, when they’re chased by predators, they’re easily seen and chased.
That is, until they turn. Then the pursuer loses sight of the bright white tracker and, by extension, the prey.
Told a buddy of mine recently that a large part of life is separating signal from noise. What’s important and what’s merely misdirection?
I think I’ve been paying attention to distractions more than anything for the past while.
On the flip side, as I see things more clearly, I miss the boy all that much more.
Oh, he graduated this week from Pre4K! It was far more emotional for me than I’d expected.
Which, I suppose, I should’ve expected.
Son: Will you come see me? I miss you. Me: Then I’ll see you soon. I just can’t rent a car right now. Him: You could take a train. Or get a ride with Auntie. I know! You could take a bus. Me: (laughing) Don’t worry, I’ll get to you. Papa’ll find a way.
Oh, Chad and I have a new Scenic Fights Video up – this time, Chad’s breaking down the Jiu Jitsu in Donnie Yen’s Special ID.
I wrote the stuff below the video way back in March 2013, not soon after Alison lost another pregnancy.
It was the start of all the horror we went through, long before the cancer. I don’t tell you everything because I’m not sure you’d believe it all. I mean, I barely believe it all, myself.
But, I’ve been chatting with two friends lately and I remembered that I never posted it because I didn’t want to bum myself out further. Or her.
The last line of the poem’s been in my head lately; on a parent (the bow) needing to be stable so that the child (the arrow) can fly as far and as high as possible.
I hope I’m enough to give the boy flight. Suppose only time will tell.
Saw him briefly this past Sunday, which I probably needed more than he. There’s more but that’s all I wanna share right now.
Me: Are you surprised? Him: Yes, papa! I thought it was just Auntie that was coming and now you’re here. Me: (nodding) And now I’m here. Lemme go wash up so I can give you a big hug. Him: OK! You have to wash for 20 seconds. Me: (laughing) Will do.
Been thinking a lot about family lately, for reasons I’d rather not get into.
My old boss told me once, when he was expecting his first child, that when men and women reach their 30s or so, they feel an incredible urge to start a family.
He’s right. Although, for me, I was a few years behind that curve.
But I feel it now; Life itself telling me that it’s time to grow up and be an adult because there are adult things I need to do. Things that need to be done.
Like he says in the poem, I feel Life longing for itself and I can’t pretend not to hear anymore.
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Here’s hoping…
I wrote the earlier entry about On Children when I was mad at my dad.
I regret every argument I ever had with him and miss him terribly. There are some things that time doesn’t make any better.
But being alive and living are two slightly different things.
The people that met me after May 24th, 2017 only see what’s left of me, after I was hollowed out. In that sense, it’s a shame. I used to be a fully-functioning human being.
Me: What’s your name, darling? Random woman: I’m not your darling. Me: Not with that attitude, you’re not. Her: (laughs)
Speaking of attitudes, I just need to keep this up until the kid’s ready to be in the world alone. Figure trees have been able to do this for eons, I just have make about 5,000 days.
Piece of cake.
Him: I wish I met her. Me: Sorry, man. I’m not the best company these days. Him: Actually, I enjoy your company. Me: I always wonder if there was anything else I coulda done. Him: I don’t think so. (thinking) You loved her. In that sense, she was lucky. You both were. Me: (nodding) Yeah.
When Alison was pregnant, she sat me down one day.
Her: I need you to promise me something. Me: Sure, what? Her: If the baby and I are ever in danger, I need you to promise me that you’ll save him first. Me: (laughing) Why can’t I do both? Her: I’m serious. He’s more important than both of us. Promise me.
Mentioned to a friend the other day that when you hear something completely true, your very soul hears it.
I’ve been watching Ryan Reynolds ever since Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place and saw almost everything he’s been in since. He’s just a funny dude.
But he was on Letterman once talking about the birth of his daughter and said about his wife, Blake:
I used to say to [her], “I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you.” I would say that to my wife. And the second I looked in that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.
I remember thinking that, in all the years of hearing him on stuff, that’s the first time, I believed he meant that as pure truth. And this was before my son was born.
Mt. Saint Helens erupted forty years ago on May 18, 1980. I was seven.
There was a photographer there that day named Robert Landsberg. He was taking pictures when the eruption happened and he realized, too late, that the wall of gas and pulverized stone was coming right at him and that he wouldn’t survive.
So, he took as many pictures of the ash very thing that he knew would end his life, and, at the last moment, “he rewound the film back into its case, put his camera in his backpack, and then laid himself on top of the backpack in an attempt to protect its contents.”
And then he waited to die.
They found his body and camera afterward and developed the film. That’s his camera above.
