Depression

Richard Jeni shot and killed himself

Richard Jeni shot and killed himself this week. The news upset me. I liked him. He was good at what he did. He made people laugh. He made me laugh.

Cause: depression.

Depression is horribly, ridiculously misunderstood. I hate how it’s something talked about in hushed tones, an embarrassment. No one sees cancer as an embarrassment but the end results of both, untreated, is the same. Someone ends up dead.

Nobody (in their right mind) refuses chemo because they worry how the family might look with a bald wife/son/father/daughter. When you catch a cold, no one thinks you’re brave if you refuse medication or help.

You’re just an idiot.

Read something once where they interviewed the people that jumped off bridges and survived. They pretty much universally said that, on the way down, they thought, “Oh man, I can change everything about my life…except this thing I’m doing now.”

I heard on the drive home last night that Brad Delp from Boston killed himself too.

What a waste. A colossal, avoidable, waste.

Postsecret
The Overnight

Location: @9 PM yesterday, getting kicked out
Mood: angry
Music: spiraling down to the hole in the ground where I hide

The other side

Suppose we all want to get to the other side of something

(c) Someone else

My ex-girlfriend from Europe dropped me a line yesterday. It was good to hear from her. As always she said little except that she’s doing well, seeing someone, and happy. I’m glad.

It would be nice to hear how the other is doing occasionally, as there was a time when we were very close.

True. It was a lifetime ago – before planes hit buildings in my fine city and burned them to the #$@#$ ground.

Remember driving to this drawbridge in her tiny town outside Denmark and waiting for the bridge to come down so we could get to the other side. I liked being there; actually, I like being elsewhere, which is quite different from being somewhere.

On that note, I just bought tickets for the left coast. SFO.

I’ll need a place to crash for a weekend so if anyone has a spare couch in May, I’m there. I’d cook dinner in exchange for some hospitality. If you’re a pescatarian, I’ll buy/make some mac & cheese.

It’ll be good to see the California sun again; I missed her, though I’m sure she didn’t notice I was gone.

Me? Oh, I’m OK, thanks.

I’m just waiting to get to the other side.
Location: in front of the computer all #@$&*^@! day
Mood: drained
Music: Let’s get out of this country I have been so unhappy

25 things you may not know about me

What are things people don’t know about you?

I:

  1. type 75 words a minute but have a hard time spelling.
  2. have a happy face in my eye at the main picture up there on the upper left-hand corner – take a look.
  3. cannot play any team sports and have never watched a superbowl game but know an esoteric fencing system.
  4. have never cheated on anyone.
  5. wake up and do 50 push-up and 100 crunches because I can’t afford a gym.
  6. like Jaerik, must climb stairs two at a time – yes, I look like an idiot but that’s not for you to judge. I usually bound up them unless there are lots of people or am beat.
  7. hate the summer and heat.
  8. can do a side split without warming up (don’t ask).
  9. can outeat most people. I can also eat burgers, pizza and gyros every day for a month and still want more. I will not put ketchup on my burger.
  10. have had serious relationships with two people that appeared on a Rachel Ray show and a Fox News show.
  11. always send out those freebie sweepstakes they mail you because I once won $1000 on iwon.com and $800 on Cash Cab.
  12. can’t drive stick-shift, something that drove my German ex-girlfriend crazy.
  13. rarely curse, only started drinking less than eight months ago and have never done drugs.
  14. lived for two years in a room hidden behind a bookcase off Times Square.
  15. miss my dog and wish I were nicer to him.
  16. call my brother almost every day and see the rest of my family once a week.
  17. read 850 words a minute with 50% comprehension and 650 WAM with full comp. I read somewhere in between
  18. never bought a textbook in college after freshman year because I couldn’t afford them. I took good notes and dated the TAs when necessary. I’m not proud.
  19. avoid juice and cereal even though I love them both.
  20. once turned really quickly on a flight of stairs and slammed my face into Tyra Bank’s boobs.
  21. would give up 40 points of IQ to be able to sleep like my last two girlfriends.
  22. am afraid of dying without making up for all the bad things I’ve done.
  23. was going to be a pastor but decided I would be a bad role model.
  24. am extremely clumsy. When I met an ex’s family, I spilled my drink on her grandmother. I’ve also had surgery on my face because I fell down a flight of stairs and the left side of my face was crushed in.
  25. am a hopeless romantic and wished my love life worked out like in the movies.

Ok…you probably guessed the last one.

Location: @1:30AM, on the N with L and a new girl.
Mood: tired
Music: with a sunny smile and a witty eye and you may find a smiling guy

50/50

You think your dating life is bad?

Had a late dinner and a bit to drink with Hazel and Locationgirl.

Probably have a 50/50 ratio of male/female friends. For me, there’s a clear line of demarcation between friends and lovers, potential or otherwise (of course that’s exactly what my ex said to me and that turned out to be total crap).

Still, it’s great being able to have feminine sounding boards. Consider the recent conversation between Casey and myself:

Her: You think your dating life is bad? On date three, a guy asked me to show up wearing a Halloween costume.
Me: No way! What’d you say?
Her: I said “F___ no!”
Me: Nice. Strong work there, Case.
Her: Yeah, and then just the other day he contacted me to ask if I had a Maid’s…
Me: (interrupting) Wait, you answered?
Her: (pause) Yea, I guess I shouldn’t have.

I’ve said it before, relationships are hard. You do what you can, when you can.

For me, life is…confusing. At least I’m not the only one who’s confused.

Location: @10PM, in front of pitcher three
Mood: drunk
Music: another chance and a someday soon, Shining like the Alabama moon

VINDICATION!

Just had to post…

“JAMA…compared four diets from low-carb to high-carb and put Atkins on top. Not just for weight loss but for health improvements as well.”

I’m holding onto the Atkins dream.

Damn that Mac & Cheese.

Damn it all to hell…

Location: freezing in apartment
Mood: excited
Music: long lonely days, when it seems I did not have a friend

Bits

My day started off at 5AM when my windows flew open because of the wind, freaked the snot out of me, and dumped my bed with dirt.

Sitting there in the dark covered with debris in the howling wind, I thought, Yeah, sure, that’s about right.

And that’s the thing about my life – like everyone else’s I suppose – the misery bits are layered with the ridiculous bits.

Case-in-point: Blue Jean Eyes loved Mac & Cheese so I went out and bought a freezer full of various types because, well…ok, I have no explanation. I just did.

However, since we just parted ways, my last five meals have all had something to do with mac & cheese (eg: mac & cheese with a sandwich, mac & cheese with soup – you get the point).

Since I’m counting, my last four dates/relationships were with pescetarians from New Jersey.

Note to self: Stop dating pescetarians from New Jersey.

Time to microwave dinner. Wonder what’s on the menu…

Location: @2PM, shivering in Queens
Mood: dirty
Music: she takes my breath away Pretending that she don’t miss me

If only

Thus ends my first post breakup relationship

Her: I love you.
Me: Ah, if only you did.

Well, that all went to hell.

But to quote a close friend:

It’s better to be the star of your own movie than have a cameo in someone else’s.

I did that the last time around.

This time, no matter how much I wish it weren’t so, I decided that I’d rather be by myself than play a cameo ever again.

I know I’m not perfect
(trust me, I’ve checked)
but I’m good enough to be
nobody’s damned,
wait-and-see.

Once a lifetime,
no matter how I feel,
once a lifetime,
it’s enough for me.

Sigh. Those blue eyes though…

Location: @6:12 PM, saying goodbye to the east side
Mood: sad
Music: I wish that I, that I could stay

Wrong baggage

Well, I’ve had an unpleasant evening. Don’t ask. I’m still not sleeping either. Maybe it’ll get better but in the meanwhile, I thought about my recent past.

I took this bag with me all over the world for two years. I had it custom made back when I had some coin.

I wanna see the sun in Santa Monica again, or the sun on Five Finger Mountain in Xinzhu again, or the sun on the Baltic Sea in Denmark again, or the…oh you get the point.

I hated traveling around the world when I had to, now I miss it so. It is always greener there, isn’t it?

No worries, I’m still hopeful. Just not here.

Too much baggage.

Location: @11:21, leaving the east side
Mood: melancholy
Music: just a notch in your bedpost But you’re just a line in a song

Baggage

Dating is all about finding someone with matching baggage

My hands are shaking again.

The only drug that I know that works to knock me out causes a rare but nasty side effect called tardive dyskinesia, which basically results in a funny twitch or tic in the face. It’s permanent, no cure. Yeah, like I need to be any weirder.

Ergo, I avoid taking it until I truly need to catch up on sleep. On a related note, as I’ve gotten older, I do more and more odd tics with my hands. Basically, I talk a lot with my hands.

Must look ridiculous on my mobile.

My friends make fun of me. I think they think I do it to be dramatic. Maybe I do, a little. But you ever jump up and down when you’re a kid because you’re so excited about something? Nervous energy. That’s me. My hands tingle and I can’t keep them still. Like an itch. Now that I drink, it’s far more pronounced.

So I’m on day two of little sleep. I suppose tomorrow I’ll have to give in because I’m seeing the girl with the blue jean eyes again.

A good friend told me that the secret to relationships is to find someone with baggage that matches yours. So true. She spent 25+ years being her; I spent 30+ years being me. It’s hard to bang two fully formed adults together to something homogeneous. But I guess people do it all the time.

I don’t know how but they do.

There’s a lot going against us, me and BJ eyes. She’s got her baggage; I’ve got mine. But I told her that I would honest with her if she would do the same for me.

I’ll take honesty and those eyes any day of the week.

Now if I could only get some @#$@# sleep…

Location: my living room, pacing
Mood: awake
Music: every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me
Site Meter

Deviations

I’m always second-guessing myself

Just finished my exams. My brain is full. Don’t think I passed all of them but I’ll take what I can get.

It’s funny; I passed the bar on my first try, mainly because the law is fascinating to me – the law itself, that is. I find the practice of law not as interesting although it has its moments. These exams were not law related and dreadfully boring.

Dreadfully…boring…

On a different topic, I’d like to talk about THAT guy. You know him.

He’s the guy that gets up an hour-and-a-half before the exam ends, puts on his baseball cap and whistles on his way out.

Can’t stand that guy.

If you are that guy, please know that we despise you and wish you ill. I hope a truck drove past you on the way out and splashed your Gap khakis with mud.

Khakis.

Who wears khakis in the winter?

I’d like to point out that I’m the other guy. The guy that’s the last to leave the exam. The guy that makes the proctor go, “I said, ‘pencils down…sir.‘” (I’m old enough now that I’m scolded with the identifier “sir.”)

I leave last because I’m always changing my mind. I’m always second guessing myself.

I do it in life all the time. Why should being on the clock be any different?

UPDATE: 20070228 01:27
When I say “guy” I mean in the gender neutral manner. Such as: “I hate that guy (or girl) and hope that s/he never realizes how big his/her butt looks in those khakis.”

Location: @13:14, in Long Island figuring out standard deviations
Mood: exhausted
Music: get this feeling I’m in motion, a certain sense of liberty