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personal

Anxiety is the fear of the hypothetical; Urgency is the fuel to ambition

Him: So how’s married life?
Me: Oh, about the same except I have to raise my hand before I speak.
Him (puzzled)
Me: I’m kidding! (pause) She doesn’t let me speak.
Him: Funny boy. (laughs) It’s amazing she married you.
Me: I know, right?

My buddy Cain once said that when he got married, cause he was living with his wife at the time, it felt only like 5% different. That’s true. And 5%’s both a lot and a little at the same time.

I asked this once years ago – how many days do you think you live for?

Me? I’ve lived for about 13,700 days, give or take. That means that I’ve used up more than 50% of my allotted time. It’s parta what keeps me up at night: what on earth have I done with myself?

Onea my fave quotes is from this fella named Lou Gerstner who, when asked if he was worried, said, I don’t have a sense of crisis, I have a sense of urgency that never changes, whether we’re doing well or we’re doing poorly.

When I was younger, I was pretty anxious – grades, social standing, money, etc. Think the thing that’s changed the most with age for me is that it’s gone from anxiety to urgency. And if anxiety is the fear of the hypothetical, urgency is the fuel to ambition.

There’s a sense that I’m running outta time. Time to do all the things I’ve wanted to do, learn all I can. Now that sense has increased by 5%.

Got a wife now; if I’m lucky, maybe I’ll get some kids some day. That sensea urgency’s only getting stronger.

Only got 12,653 days left; figure only halfa that – 6,326 days – to really get something done.

Location: getting ready to get to Brooklyn
Mood: ambitious
Music: Ticking away the moments That make up a dull day
YASYCTAI: Apply for things to see what happens. (120 mins/1 pt)
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Everyone’s got their own particular crazy

Her: (yelling from other room) Oh my god, come here, you’ve got to see this new technology thing…
Me: (running in excitedly)
Her: (laughing) Ha-ha, I tricked you. Do you like this stationary?
Me: Man, I totally fell for that. Not cool, man…

Still planning the wedding. We’ve been talking seriously about just eloping but even that comes with a lot of ancillary issues.

Met up with RE Mike for drinks at PJ Clark’s down a bit from me. Nice joint but no good rum. We got onto the topics of relationships. Didn’t work out with him and his latest girlie.

Me: Sorry to hear it. But you like what you like. Everyone’s got their own particular crazy.
Him (grinning) Yeah, look at you. You still write that blog and put down things like: “Location: my apartment. Mood: hungry.” That’s weird.
Me: (laughing) Ha, I suppose it is.

Mentioned to him that I’m looking for places to get hitched. Forgot that he owns a building downtown.

Me: Can you get us in?
Him: I could ask. If I could get you in, it’ll be my wedding gift to you.
Me: Sweeeeeeeet.

Speakinga wedding gifts, evidently white people have this thing called a registry. I’ve gone to a buncha weddings in my life, but being Chinese, just gave scratch. On good years, it was more, on bad years, it was less. But that was the gift.

In other news, posting on Thursday this week – sorry for all the jumping around lately, it’s the work. Until then, more differences between the Chinese and Americans to keep you entertained:

Location: my apartment
Mood: hungry
Music: without your love I would never have made it
YASYCTAI: Come back on Thursday morning. (72 hours/1 pt)
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Watson is Skynet / Bad Robot…bad (2)

Me: This is the beginning of Skynet. It’s like no one’s learned anything from watching Hollywood movies.
Her: For serious!

Been watching the Jeopardy series which has this computer named “Watson” going against two of the best champions the show’s ever had.

Pretty interesting to see how computers are becoming more and more human-like. Was saying to someone the other day that when I went to school, people had just started using computer on a regular basis but I graduated college having never sent a single email. This was back when messages were left via blinking light.

In all seriousness, the Skynet thing is a unnerving in the sense that something else recently happened that most American’s aren’t aware of: Predator drones are now flying in US skies, something that’s never happened before. Sure, it’s a coincidence but it’s still weird.

Am pretty excited for the future and if anyone loves their electronic doo-hickeys, it’s this bright-eyed Chinese boy.

Still, gotta force myself outta the house and take a walk more often; just did that yesterday.

The real world, especially New York City, doesn’t really care if y’interact with it or not.

Her: Today was a good day for you.
Me: Why is that?
Her: Well, we made out, we had pizza, and you got to watch a computer compete against a person.
Me: Two people!

———-

Can’t believe this was four years ago – deserves another look:

Location: in fronta glowing things like always
Mood: artistic
Music: And how the days have flown too few & fast
YASYCTAI: Take a walk for lunch. (30 minutes/1 pt)
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Just cause I don’t like to fight, doesn’t mean I won’t

Me: (turning to face him) I gotta punch him.
Her: Don’t.
Me: Fine.

Went to have dinner to celebrate my buddy’s 30th. On the way there, this guy said something mildly racist – which I don’t actually ever hear any more in this day and age. Felt a strong urge to do the fella grave bodily injury and said as much but then I was reminded that I’m a 37 year-old lawyer fulla injuries. So I decided to get to the party and focus on some pernil asado, which was probably a better choice.

This’s all comedic cause I’m about the opposite of pugilistic. Unless you step up to my girl. Or if you’re a side of delicious Cuban roast pork.

At which point, I’d watch myself.

Wrestling coach: (in middle of class) Wait, you never saw Alien?
Me: No. (pause) Scary movies scare me.
Coach: (shakes and drops forehead into hand)

Location: Renting another car
Mood: productive
Music: call out the KKK, they’re wild after me
YASYCTAI: Know what you are. (60 minutes/1 pt)
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Logical issues in stories / writing

Graffiti Madonna in downtown NYC

Her: What’re you doing?
Me: Installing a HDMI splitter to power the 47 and 26″ monitors, upgrade the ram, and dupe the old harddrive to a two terabyte drive.
Her: Oh…well, I was just building a flux-capacitor in the bedroom so…

Well, writing this blog in the middle of the day doesn’t work and I’ve got a full Monday schedule for the foreseeable future so back to publishing in the AM.

Speakinga writing, been working on my manuscript like a madman; actually trying to submit it to a writing contest soon. Problem was that there were a buncha logical issues that had to be resolved, which is parta the reason it was put away for so long.

A logical issue’s when something in a story just doesn’t make sense and yanks the reader/viewer outta the story. For example, just saw The A-Team film the other day. Wasn’t expecting Shakespeare but there’s the one scene where (1) a tank falls outta a plane, (2) hits a body of water, (3) everyone insides survives, and (4) a few minutes later, they’re driving on dry land.

Assume, arguendo, that the first three are possible; the fact is that if a tank fell into a lake, it’d sink to the bottom, and it’s engine would fill with water. It’d be impossible for them to then drive the tank onto dry land.

This was such a glaring error that the rest of the story was unwatchable – even though I could suspend disbelief enough that a tank could fly (don’t bother asking), couldn’t do it once that happened.

Figured out how to kill a character last year; now I’ve gotta have another one leave the story without getting offed.

Think that’s why science fiction’s so alluring; y’can resolve a lotta these logical issues by just saying that’s what happens in that world.

Stupid crime fiction…

———-

Got a non-canonical entry tomorrow, see you then?

Location: Midnight, sitting in front of a keyboard
Mood: hopeful
Music: all winter we got carried away over on the rooftops
YASYCTAI: Take those chances. (1 minute/3 pts)
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Getting together with friends

427 Shelby Cobra

Me: Dude, we’ve known each other almost 20 years.
Him: Crazy, right? S’funny when you start talking about time in decades.

Met up with a buncha buddies the other night; random get together over cheap wings, rum, and beer(s). They all went to Cornell but they never hung out with each other. Goes back to my theory that your friends’re mirrors to some aspect of you. Bryson’s my fighting buddy, Paul’s my wingman, and Ricky’s fellow entrepreneur – check out his nysteals.

Onea them once said to me that he liked meeting my friends cause, “You’re not a douchebag, so you don’t have douchebag friends” – which is just another waya saying my mirror theory, I suppose.

Almost four years ago, wrote about this story my pastor likes to tell.

JRR Tolkien, CS Lewis and a third writer were all close friends and when the third writer died (Charles Williams?), CS Lewis said something along the lines of “When he died, I thought, ‘at least I’ll have more of JRR, but in fact I had less,’” meaning that, when the third friend died, CS Lewis found that the third friend brought out things in Tolkien that CS couldn’t.

It’s true. Eacha those guys all draw out some different side to my personality. It’s why it’s always interesting when y’get a group of completely unrelated friends together and see what happens. We all hung out for over three hours on a weekday night without a moment of awkward silence.

On a distantly related note, my liver’s not speaking to me this week.

Location: getting ready for work at my pad
Mood: accomplished
Music: Good times, bad times, give me some of that
YASYCTAI: Get a small group of friends together just to see what happens. (three hours/2 pts)
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Getting the annual physical

42nd Street and Fifth Avenue sign
Her: I found a coat I like!
Me: (laughing) Imagine, by this time next year, you’ll have both a new coat and a new husband.
Her: Yes. (pause) But I’ll have a new coat!

Went to the doc’s and got stuck with a lotta needles; funny thing was that another nurse stopped by the house earlier that day to draw some blood. Also got the flu shot too just for kicks. Don’t really have a problem with needles but the pinprick they gave me to run some tests “hurt like the dickens.”

Nurse: No one’s ever said that to me.
Me: (rubbing finger) Really? Cause it does…

Afterward, treated myself to a donut. Didn’t have whole wheat so just got a blueberry with a large cuppa coffee.

The doc’s not a fan of my continuing to do what I do, but he says that as long as I don’t actually compete – where someone is trying to do me grevious bodily harm – should be ok. He does want to me to get a buncha x-rays, which he says’s justa precaution.

Man, want another donut now…

Location: yest, opening up and saying “ahhhh” on Amsterdam
Mood: rushed
Music: was counting on you but now I know you’re just a first class fool
YASYCTAI: Time for that annual physical. (120 mins/1.5 pts)
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The Revenge of the Nerds

Man on New York City Subway
Me: Shazam?! He’s like Superman. Like he was an imitation of Superman but now he’s not.
Her: So you expect me to know about some fake Superman?
Me: It’s Shazam!
Her: (shaking head) You’re the only person in America who knows who he is.
Me: He’s Shazam!

Two major things happened this past week:

  1. Slept for 9.5 hours. Straight. Without waking up once (ok, maybe once, but that’s it),
  2. Realized that I cannot change the past.

Both happened on the same night.

Years ago, I secretly decided to compete in mixed-martial arts. Wasn’t planning on telling anyone, was just planning on doing it. But a serious injury derailed that. So spent the next ten years recuperating and being pretty bitter about the whole thing. During that time, people who were my equals, like Bryson, became my betters.

John McCain called the sport human cock-fighting. But he’s wrong. To paraphrase my wrestling coach, it’s not about violence for violence’s sake. It’s strategy, skill, and reasoning overcoming violence. It’s a very nerd-oriented spot.

Am too old to compete professionally. But heard that Al Bundy started rolling in his 40s and’s now a blackbelt; the instructor of the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world only started when he was 29. Rolling for rolling’s sake.

Seeing the doc tomorrow for the ok, and then am gonna see if I can at least train (kinda) hard again. Feel my teeth again.

———-

Met up with Tess/Clara and my friend Tony for a cup of coffee and a plate of cheese in the meatpacking district. We all keep changing but it’s nice to have people that pop in and out of our venn diagrams as we do it.

As an aside, told Tess that onea my favourite books is A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, although it’s a girl’s book. She thought it was odd that I’d identify one book as a girl’s book. Never thought it about it much but I do think that some books are written with girls in mind, some with boys, some for businessmen, etc.

More interesting to me is how people see and hear things in the world. We all have our map of the world.

Location: still hopefully Croxley later
Mood: ambitious
Music: All is calm, all is bright
YASYCTAI: Push-up time. 50? (10 mins/1 pt)
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Aerelon: No one that was born poor wants to stay poor

Mona Lisa on a NYC Building

1983
Me: Why do I have to know what a salad fork looks like?
Him: (exasperated) Because, one day you’ll sit down with people that have a fork for salads and you’ll need to know which one to use. Now’s what’s that?
Me: Soup spoon.
Him: (beaming) Yes, soup spoon. That’s right. Good.

Thanks for taking the time to write a comment or email. Found it all really interesting the very different views people had. It’s funny but minorities & native-New Yorkers saw one thing (the second exchange) while non-minorities & non-New Yorkers pretty uniformly saw another (the first exchange).

As I wrote, that was the entire conversation; she never even bothered to respond. And rather than deal with any of the points I made, she sniffed, “Ugh, Logan, ugh! Privileged sentiments bore me.”

Like Nietzxche said, “Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.” She’s so smugly certain she’s right, she has no need to respond to new information.

Switching gears, you can always tells someone that used to be fat. They lumber. They walk as if they still carry the weight.

When I did lose the weight, onea of first things I did was ask my mom to buy me a nice sweater. She brought me to Alexander’s and I picked out a grey sweater from a bin. Got it big just in case I got fat again.

Wore that sweater proudly cause I got it at a department store. At the time, we didn’t usually get our clothes from a department store. When I told Grace in school about it, she laughed and said that only poor people shopped at Alexander’s and that I probably got it from the bargain bin. So I put the sweater away and only wore it at home.

It took me years to unlearn how to walk like fat person. Just like it took me years so that people didn’t immediately say, “You sound like you’re from Queens.” And years to know that what other people think of me is nonea my business.

Still, gotta admit that “privileged sentiments” made me pause. But not for reasons y’might think.

That I don’t sound like someone born to penniless immigrant parents outside an industrial park in Queens, New York, I take as a particular compliment. No one that was born poor idealizes it, only rich folk that have no clue.

Take it as a testimony to those parents who made sure, even though we grew up with halfa nuthin, we still got a proper upbringing – jia1jiao4. They taught me manners, how to love reading, and how to figure out which one was the salad fork.

“Privileged sentiments” – gotta tell my mom. She’ll take that as a particular compliment too.

And now, geekiness:

Location: hopefully Croxley later
Mood: lethargic
Music: You got the talking down, just not the listening
YASYCTAI: Seriously, stop idealizing things you know nuthin about. NYC in 1993 is hardly NYC when it was gritty. Try five years earlier on for size. (2 mins/1 pt)
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Privileged nights in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba and Le Parker Meridien, NYC

Lobby of Le Parker Meridien, NYC

So, Le Parker Meridien was pretty nice. They were giving away two tix to Paris and called out the name of the firm first – my firm. Told my boss that I hoped it was me and then he won.

Thought that was pretty funny. I ended up winning a candle holder. It’s better than spending a buck to win a buck, I suppose.

The next night, had dinner with the lawyer that represented the first Guantanamo Bay defendant. Was a pretty eye opening dinner. Not at liberty to give away much but the facts are that the government had five years to prep against this lawyer with really only two people helping him. The government brought up 260 charges and only one stuck.

Makes one wonder how strong the government case was to begin with.

———-

Below is an actual conversation, verbatim, on my previous post with a female friend – not HG.

If you’ve read me for a while, I’d like to know your thoughts on the conversation? Note, it was a public conversation so she expressly wanted this read. Specifically, how do I come across to you and how does she come across to you?

I’ll give you my thoughts next time.

Her: I’m one of those people who miss the old NYC. I moved here in ’93 and there was a real sense that anyone could move here and create whatever life they wanted. No way does that still exist. I think when people say NYC isn’t what it used to be, what they are trying to get at is the diversity back then meant NYC was open to anyone. It’s not about grit being cool. It’s about a city that had a place for everyone, regardless of class. That’s just not true anymore.
Me: Heya! I think that, in that regard, NYC’s an even better place now that it was back then. We have a mayor that’s expressly pro art, with major art install oftions all over the city. Moreover, its safer and more tolerant here than ever. We still have places for everyone: artists, businessmen and – surprising even to me – families. I would never have considered raising a family in the UWS or Battery Park before and now it’s an option.
Her: Ugh, Logan, ugh! Privileged sentiments bore me.
Me: (I’m) perplexed. Are you saying I’m the privileged one?

That is the entire conversation.

Location: In my warm room
Mood: Still kinda irritated
Music: Who cares if you disagree? You are not me
YASYCTAI: Tell me what you think of that. (2 mins/0.5 pts)
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