Tag: family

Same old story

I can’t think of a single holiday I like now. They all remind me of awful things. Father’s Day is no different. Although, it does have its moments.

Son: I made you a card. Do you like it?
Me: I love it, thank you!

There are certain songs that I avoid. Cat Stevens’ Father and Son is one of them. But on Father’s Day – two other days a year – I’ll listen to it once, cry, and wait until it’s time to hear it again.

Ever heard it before? I hadn’t until Alison played it once to me.

It’s about an old man trying to tell his hot-headed son to slow down and enjoy the simple things of life and a young man who thinks his dad is just trying to tell him how to life his life like he always does.

I suppose it’s a story that would resonate as much two thousand years ago as it would two thousand years from now.

Father
It’s not time to make a change
Just relax, take it easy
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to know
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy
I was once like you are now, and I know that it’s not easy
To be calm when you’ve found something going on
But take your time, think a lot
Why, think of everything you’ve got
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not

Son
How can I try to explain? ‘Cause when I do he turns away again
It’s always been the same, same old story
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go

Father
It’s not time to make a change
Just sit down, take it slowly
You’re still young, that’s your fault
There’s so much you have to go through
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy

Son
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside
It’s hard, but it’s harder to ignore it
If they were right, I’d agree, but it’s them they know not me
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away
I know I have to go

I miss my dad as much as you would miss yours if you loved and lost him.

I miss my family. I miss the boy.

But, I suppose, you knew that.

Alison: It’s a conversation, between a father and son.
Me: Is it good?
Her: I think you’ll like it.
Me: (later) That was so good! Thank you for that.

Location: adrift
Mood: longing
Music: There’s so much you have to know (Spotify)
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Impromptu

Son: I wanna come home.
Me: When?
Him: Today.
Me: If you come home today, you won’t be able to see your grandparents for a long time.
Him: I want to come home.

Do you ever wonder why you see dead, or dying, animals on the side of the road, rather than the middle, for the most part?

It’s because, when an animal’s injured, it instinctively heads for safety and tries to go home.

When it makes it to the side of the road, it probably thinks, in some way, I need to get home, but let me rest first.

It knows that the middle of the road isn’t safe and that the safest place is home.

While we’re not anywhere near the middle of the road, my son and I aren’t truly home, either. He’s away, and without him here, I suppose I am also. Both of us are adrift, in familiar places that we love but are  not – in fact – home.

I had probably the most brutal video chat I’ve had in recent memory with the boy.

My bringing him to his grandparents was a spur-of-the-moment thing that turned out to be the best thing for him as I got COVID not soon afterward.

He’s been enjoying his time with his grandparents but I think he’s realizing that he’s been away from home far longer than he expected.

I spent the day in a haze. Gutted by this conversation and others.

Man, whoever came up with the line about “sticks and stones” didn’t know shit…

But, I did end up having a nice, impromptu, evening because Mouse was in town and dropped me a line.

Her: I’ll be in your area. I was thinking about getting pizza.
Me: I’m having such a rotten day, get me three plain slices, please. I have beer.

Podcast Version
Location: home, as it were…
Mood: heartbroken
Music: Oh, I miss you, you know (Spotify)
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A Human Shield

When Alison was pregnant, she sat me down one day.

Her: I need you to promise me something.
Me: Sure, what?
Her: If the baby and I are ever in danger, I need you to promise me that you’ll save him first.
Me: (laughing) Why can’t I do both?
Her: I’m serious. He’s more important than both of us. Promise me.

Mentioned to a friend the other day that when you hear something completely true, your very soul hears it.

I’ve been watching Ryan Reynolds ever since Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place and saw almost everything he’s been in since. He’s just a funny dude.

But he was on Letterman once talking about the birth of his daughter and said about his wife, Blake:

I used to say to [her], “I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you.” I would say that to my wife. And the second I looked in that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.

I remember thinking that, in all the years of hearing him on stuff, that’s the first time, I believed he meant that as pure truth. And this was before my son was born.

Mt. Saint Helens erupted forty years ago on May 18, 1980. I was seven.

There was a photographer there that day named Robert Landsberg. He was taking pictures when the eruption happened and he realized, too late, that the wall of gas and pulverized stone was coming right at him and that he wouldn’t survive.

So, he took as many pictures of the ash very thing that he knew would end his life, and, at the last moment, “he rewound the film back into its case, put his camera in his backpack, and then laid himself on top of the backpack in an attempt to protect its contents.”

And then he waited to die.

They found his body and camera afterward and developed the film. That’s his camera above.

That’s the story I thought of when Alison asked me if I would do that for her. I understood what she was asking.

There are some people that think they live. Some that wait to die. And some that wait to serve those things and people they love more than themselves.

We don’t get to pick. Life itself shows us which one we are.

The guard dies. It does not surrender

Me: (nodding) I promise.

Podcast Version: Waiting to Find Out
Location: my empty apartment, covered in machinery and metal dust
Mood: waiting to breathe
Music: it’s all better now, wait for me, (Spotify)
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