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The 2020 Christmas Spirit

Bit of a Grinch

Son: But I don’t want to get a shot.
Me: Kid, no one wants to get a shot. But we do what we have to do to keep the people we love safe. Do you want to keep Mouse, Grandma, and Grandpa safe?
Him: (hesitatingly) Yes.
Me: Then you have to get a shot.
Him: (nodding sadly) OK. If you say so.

The kid was due for his annual checkup so Mouse picked me up and we went off to NJ to get him. It was so nice to have him home, if only for a bit.

We even put up the Christmas tree together. This is him putting up the first ornament.

It was the one that Alison I got together all those years ago. We even put it in the same place.

I told him the story of each of the ornaments that Alison and I got for each other. Well, I tried to at least.

Me: And this one…and this one…
Mouse: (gently) Do you want to go to the back room for a second?
Me: Yes.
Her: (turning to the boy) That was a special ornament. Your mom got it for your dad and you because she loved you both so much.

The boy was really brave at the doctor’s office. Impatient, even. I like to think that too was born of love.

Him: I just want my shot now.
Doctor: Oh! (to me) Do you want the shot or nasal spay?
Me: I was unaware the latter was an option. Heck, yeah we’ll take the nasal spray!

The boy was puzzled but – ultimately – thrilled, of course, that he didn’t need a shot. Because he was so ready to take the shot, I still gave him the chocolate I promised him.

Him: But I didn’t get the shot.
Me: You weren’t going to get chocolate because you got a shot, you were going to get chocolate because you were brave. You get points in life for being brave.
Him: Yay!!!

It was hard bringing him back. He’s mine. I want him here with me.

Speaking of thinking that Mouse is great – and catching up with people during the holidays – I also got a chance to catch up with KG Betty.

Me:…and now you’re caught up to everything.
Her: I have to say, I’m on Mouse’s side here.
Me: I can see that.

The boy’s doctor was right by the ABFF’s pad so I rang her but we missed each other. But we made up for it because she swung by with her sister, kids, and a bottle of rum in tow.

They actually sang – and danced to – Feliz Navidad outside my door in their matching jammies.

Me: (laughing) This is how people get arrested in NYC.
Daughter: Do you or Mouse want some candy?
Me: We do! But we won’t take any.
ABFF: Get into the Christmas spirit!

She was right; I suppose I’m a bit of a grinch these days as Christmas makes me feel probably the opposite of what I should be feeling.

Then again, I’m probably not the only one.

Me: Wanna watch the news? See if we still live in a democracy?
Mouse: Hold on, I gotta finish all this bullshit gift shopping first.
Me: Well, if that’s not the 2020 Christmas spirit, I dunno what is.

Location: my empty apartment, doing some bullshit gift shopping of my own
Mood: missing the boy
Music: Take a shot in the rain, one for the pain (Spotify)
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Why are you always naked?!

Settlers of Hawaiian Pizza

Me: Your two favourite Lo’s will be there.
Mouse: To be fair, she’s my favourite one.

Before Alison got sick, for the period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, I would get dressed up in my best suits and go to two-to-five parties a week.

It’s how I’d meet new clients for the coming year and also catch up with old clients and friends.

I still can’t get into the mindset of working full-time again – especially since the kid’ll be back permanently in the next few weeks, but I did try to take some time to catch up with people.

Like I said, I saw my cousin earlier last month:

Ras: People should eat what they want. Leave the Hawaiian pizza alone.
Me: Great, now I want a Hawaiian pizza.
Her: We’re already eating!
Me: It’s early, yet.

Oh, she passed her test, btw. This is good because it means I can probably borrow money from her at some point.

I also tried to see some of my college friends but we weren’t able to make it happen.

Duck: Hey, Logan. SJ bailed. I’m running around too. Let’s reschedule when we’re all available?
Me: OK, for sure.

Saw my buddy from around the way for some Vietnamese food. Not sure about his opinion as to Hawaiian pizza.

Him: What do you suggest?
Me: Pretty much everything. The sandwiches are killer.
Him: I just had a sandwich for lunch.
Me: Noodles it is then.

Hadn’t spoken to Chad in a bit so I rang him up. On video. Need to rethink doing that.

Chad: Logan, you can’t just video chat me outta the blue. I need a heads up.
Me: Why are you always naked, Chad?!
Him: I’m a free spirit, Logan!

Although, he should just decline the call, honestly.

He ended up stopping by for a round of Settlers of Catan with Mouse and me. He came close to winning but Mouse took the trophy in the end.

Me: I did not plan this out well.
Her: That’s what happens when you don’t pay attention.

I gotta start paying attention to things again.

Location: my empty apartment, taking care of a patient
Mood: fulla pro- and pre-biotics
Music: one more ride, baby, here we go (Spotify)
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Whipping around Red Hook

This was a mistake

Me: We have a car!
Her: (laughing) It’s your car! You’ve always had it.

I’ve had a car for the last 35 years. Dunno if I ever told you that. Normally, that’s not a big deal but I live in Manhattan.

I had two beaten up BMWs and a brand-spanking new (at that time) Honda Accord that I loved and I kept in a local garage in Manhattan.

But in 2007, after the theft and a buncha other crazy things, I gave up the parking spot and brought the car out to Queens to stay at my mom’s house, where it’s stayed for the past 13 years.

Alison gave up her beloved Civic because the idea was that we’d just use my car when the time came for us to leave the city and get a place in the burbs. Of course, none of that ever happened.

So this car I loved sat at my mom’s place all this time with 56,000 miles on it – that’s 3,733 miles a year.

When I saw my mother-in-law the other day – after Mouse dropped me off for the umpteenth time – and I mentioned the car to her, the first thing she said was, “Why don’t you just give Mouse the car?”

My mom had said something similar, despite her and/or my sister using it on occasion all this time (and paying for the insurance and upkeep all this time).

I told my mom and she immediately cleaned it out and handed me the keys and the title. Mouse refused to accept it as a gift though and offered to pay me a little something for it, which I appreciated.

Then she promptly drove me to NJ, and then back to the city, yet again. But that’s another story for another time.

After we picked up my whip, though, we were driving around Brooklyn when I suggested that – since we had a ride – we should celebrate. We rang up Cho, who suggested that we hit up the Red Hook Lobster Pound, which we did.

Her: (after eating everything) I’m still hungry.
Me: I have a rack of ribs at home.
Her: Sold. Let’s go.

We ended up heading home and eating another half rack-of-ribs between the two of us.

I would say that it’s brought us closer together but that’s not entirely true.

Me: Oh, this is a good song (on the radio).
Her: I see we’re listening to the oldies station.
Me: Clearly, this was a mistake.

Location: home – like, really home
Mood: happier
Music: we can swim far away from the wreck we made (Spotify)
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One car ride, five trains…

…and one short walk

After we finished dinner and cleaned up, I gave the boy a bath and helped him get to bed. He wanted me to stay but I told him I couldn’t.

I understand how hard it is for a parent to tell a child no for something they both want.

Well, now I do, I mean. It’s something I don’t think I ever fully appreciated before.

Her mom drove me to the train station to head home. We talked in the car.

Earlier that night, I imitated Alison’s voice and some of her mannerisms and her mom laughed because I got it right. That’s a nice memory for me to have. Alison woulda laughed too.

We all miss her terribly.

At the train station, there were three girls trying to figure out how to get to the other side of the tracks because the train was arriving in five minutes. I suddenly realized that I didn’t know where my phone was.

After four minutes of frantic searching, I had my mother-in-law call it and found I had dropped it when I stepped out of the car. We could hear the train approaching.

Her: Grab it and go, I’ll stay in case you miss it.
Me: OK, thanks!

I ran breathlessly to the other side of the train tracks where the three girls from earlier looked at me quizzically.

They must’ve wondered why I waited until the very last minute to get there.

The first leg of the trip was quiet, as my trips go. A guy was trying to pick up a girlie but otherwise, the train was empty.  It’s always empty when I travel these days.

But Mouse kept me company via messages, though.

I was still thinking of Alison and everything when I got out at Newark Penn Station to transfer to the other train when I noticed two signs.

The first said that the train to Penn Station was cancelled; the next one was in 22 minutes.

The second sign said that there was a PATH train leaving in two minutes. Made a snap  judgement, took out my Metrocard, and caught the PATH train just as the doors were closing.

Unfortunately, it was headed to the World Trade Center, way south of my pad. So, when I got to Jersey City, I transferred to a second PATH train to Hoboken, Alison’s old town.

I took that to 33rd Street and transferred to the N train.

Got off that and transferred to the red line. Then I walked to my pad.

One car ride, five trains, and one short walk later I was home.

“Harold. I’m back,” I said.

He didn’t answer me. He never does.

Just need to make it past New Year’s and I’m good for five months.

Easy.

Location: my empty home
Mood: bad again
Music: got a ticket to ride but she don’t care (Spotify)
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Sharing Thanksgiving traditions

Not an unreasonable ask

Mother-in-law: You prefer dark meat, right? Legs and thighs?
Me: Yup.
Her: Good, because they’re all yours – we all prefer chicken breasts.
Me: Sweeeeeeet.

Mouse gave me a lift to see the boy and Alison’s family the day before Thanksgiving.

She’s been working non-stop since she started her new gig so I essentially drove while she conducted an interview in the passenger seat via her laptop. It was pretty impressive, I gotta say.

The boy ran out and gave me this huge hug and I could tell he wanted to give Mouse one as well but we all agreed that, while he was with my in-laws, there couldn’t be any physical contact with anyone.

So they stayed socially distant and chatted for a bit before she had to leave. She was only there for a few minutes before she made the long trek home.

The timing worked out perfectly because my sister-in-law was staying over Thanksgiving night so I had the guest room to myself that night.

A slight negative was that Mouse and I got into another argument on the phone after everyone went to bed, but, like the last one, it wasn’t a bad one.

Her: I just wish we could disagree on things without it becoming a war every time.
Me: That’s not an unreasonable ask. I’ll try to do better.

She’s just great, honestly. But I suppose that’s a post for another time.

Sister-in-law: How are you still eating?
Me: I believe in myself. Tonight, I’m carbing out like mad.

One silly but meaningful thing about Alison was that she told me that her family had three roasted chickens instead of turkey for Thanksgiving – cause no one really liked turkey.

I remember that I told that to my mom shortly after Alison and I had our first Thanksgiving together and my mother’s reaction was priceless.

Mom: Wait, can you do that?
Me: It’s not like you get arrested if you don’t have turkey. We should do that too – no one likes turkey here either.
Her: Really?!

Ever since then, we didn’t have turkey either. I like that, having a little shared tradition with my families.

As an aside, Mouse’s family doesn’t do turkey either.

Like at my house, I carved the chicken. I figure they know I can handle a knife.

Sister-in-law: (to my son) Do you want pie a la mode? That means pie with ice cream.
Him: Yes!
Her: Which one do you want? Pumpkin or Apple pie?
Him: Pumpkin!
Me: Then I’ll have the apple pie and we can try each other’s.
Him: OK!

The boy sang to me the entire time I was there. Although, to be fair, he sang to everyone.

Heading home was the start a ridiculous 2.5 hour adventure, but I’ll tell you about that tomorrow.

Location: in my head again
Mood: a bit better
Music: I’ll often stop and think about them (Spotify)
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Not for better

These memories lose their meaning

Son: I like that song.
Me: (nodding slowly) I love that song. I always think of your mom when I hear it.
Him: (laughing) Papa…you sound funny.

I went to see the boy for Thanksgiving. I’ll tell you about that tomorrow.

While I was there, we went for a drive and we were playing the Beatles when In my Life came on. That picture above is him singing some Beatles songs in Alison’s childhood driveway.

Exactly a decade earlier, I wrote a blog entry about that song and I mentioned that Alison/Heartgirl and I went to my parents for Thanksgiving. She always went home for the holiday but she came with me to mine. Because she loved me so.

My father was there. I remember he was happy to have Alison and me there. That’s Alison laughing at the face I was making.

We played board games – Taboo – after dinner. Alison loved playing board games. Games of all types, actually.

That’s her with the buzzer ready to buzz in my ear in case I messed up.

That was the first Thanksgiving my entire family was together. It was also the last. The boy’s never been with everyone and never will. Shit, fuck me.

I loved her so. I loved my father so.

I hate the holidays so.

Me: (clearing throat, forcing smile) Oh, I just had something in my throat. I love you the most, you know?
Him: I love you too, papa.
Me: Thank you.
Him: (laughing) You sound funny again!
Me: (nodding)

In my life
There are places I’ll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone, and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead, and some are living
In my life, I’ve loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life, I’ll love you more
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I’ll love you more
In my life I’ll love you more

Location: hell
Mood: not well
Music: In my life I’ll love you more (Spotify)
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A fall day in the burbs

Confusing me

Her: I think we’re confusing everyone by hanging out all the time.
Me: You’re confusing me by us hanging out all the time!

Mouse told me to keep a day open for her this weekend because she wanted to bring me somewhere.

Her: And make sure to bring your camera.

So, early on Saturday, she picked me up and off we went to, what ended up being just eight minutes from my mom and sister’s house: The Fall Escape at Queens County Farm Museum.

It was just a thing for us to walk around and take pictures.

While there, we met two young ladies and we offered to take pictures of them if they took pictures of us.

The pictures they took weren’t great, but – like the waitress – they were very nice and tried their best.

Having said that, it was nice being out in the burbs with Mouse early on a fall weekend.

Me: I wish the boy was here with us.
Her: We’ll come back with him; now that we know how to get here, we can come anytime.

Afterward, I wanted to stop by to see my family but, as luck would have it, it was one of the few times I’ve ever left home without my phone so, when I stopped by to see them afterward, no one was there and I couldn’t reach them.

I really wanted to see my mom and was disappointed that I didn’t.

But by then we were starving and headed off to the same all-you-can-eat place that we’d been to a few times previously.

Walking out, I took the pic below and told Mouse, “If this is still here in 60 years, I’m coming here at 107 with you and Chad and we’re gonna make them regret this.”

Later that night, I called my mom.

Mom: We talked for over an hour!
Me: I know. I missed you.
Her: I miss you too.

Location: home, trying – and failing at – an arm-triangle
Mood: hard-to-say
Music: I know I’m someone to you (Spotify)

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I want to have an argument

We’re about to find out

Her: How spicy is Sundubu-jjigae?
Me: We’re about to find out.

We’d just left the studio and she was ok but I was still really hungry. Since she’s on a mostly meat-diet, we ended up heading over to a Korean joint in Billyburg.

As for the answer to her question above, it turns out – at least for her – pretty spicy. Luckily, we also got some sashimi and some Korean tacos in honor of Pac.

We asked the waitress to take a picture of us and she tried her best. This is the best shot of the lot that she took.

At least she was very nice.

Afterward, we headed home. As we pulled up in front of my pad, she asked me if we could have an argument.

Me: OK.
Her: Look, I’m ok with things not being defined but I’m impressed how long you can be with things not being defined.
Me: Like you said, we seem to get along better when we’re not together.

It was raining so hard in NYC that night that we got a tornado warning. Which kinda matched what was going on inside her whip.

But, all-in-all, it was nice actually, chatting arguing with her under the stormy rain.

Sometimes you need a little rain to clear things up.

Afterward, I thanked her for the ride and all the company.

Me: It’s getting late, you should head home.
Her: Yeah.
Me: So, where are we now?
Her: I guess I’ll just see you later on this week.
Me: That’d be nice. See you then.

And then I went home and sat on my white couch thinking about all my possible pasts again.

It was actually wasn’t just my conversation with Mouse that got me thinking, but also a conversation Chad and I had in between shoots.

It reminded me of something I wrote just before Alison got sick.

Me: You know…my life is nuthin at all like what I thought it would five years ago. Or ever. Everything’s such a mess. It’s hard not to think about what could have been.
Him: I know this isn’t what you wanted, but you’re doing the best you can. If nothing else, your son will think he’s got a cool dad.
Me: I hope so. That’s one of the main reasons I’m doing this. I hope you’re right.

Location: home, waiting out the storm
Mood: hopeful
Music: I know, somewhere deep in my soul, that love never lasts (Spotify)

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Weekend Scenic Fights Video Shoot Pt 2

I think I do

Mouse couldn’t join us for the first shooting day but she agreed to wake up early, pick me up from my pad, and then Chad from his pad, to take us out to Brooklyn.

Well, that was the plan anywho.

Her: Couldn’t find my wallet so I ran late. Can you cab it to Chad and I’ll pay for it?
Me: Shoot. I’ll take subway to Chambers street. Pick me up there? Leaving now. Chambers and West Broadway.

While on the train, a fella wasn’t wearing a mask and listening to music on his phone. Crappy music. After a bit, I politely asked him.

Me: Hey man, can you turn that down?
Him: You gonna make me?
Me: I’d rather not. But seriously, I don’t wanna listen to your music the whole way down.
Him: You wanna start something?
Me: I think I do.

After a lotta posturing, he backed off. And I left at 14th Street because that was closer to Mouse. Plus, I didn’t want to start my day either in the hospital or sending someone to the hospital.

Mouse picked up Chad first and then me and we high-tailed it out to Brooklyn where we shot all day.

It was funny because her car door broke when she picked up Chad at the last shoot – it was already messed up but he and I yanked it and destroyed it.

Her: Don’t touch that…!
Chad: (alarms go off) Oh shoot, I forgot.
Me: Oh man, they’re gonna kill us if we get into a car crash.

We managed to make it there in one piece AND also managed to Skype the kid in the middle of the day.

Chad: Hey, papi!
Him: Where are you all!?
Me: We’re at a studio. In Brooklyn.
Him: Near Mouse?
Her: (laughing) No, kiddo. Brooklyn’s pretty big.
Him: Oh! The sign behind you says, “No Smoking!”
Her: That’s right. Don’t worry, we’re not.

That was only for a few minutes. We were so busy shooting all day that we ended up not getting lunch until 4PM, at which point we were starving.

Me: What on earth are you guys doing (in the picture below)?

Headed over to the lunch truck from the day before, we ordered a whole mess of tacos.

The lights kept going out in the truck so they ended up cooking in the dark.

I kept asking the guy to write down our order but he ignored me. When we brought the food back, he left out J’s order completely.

Me: I knew it. I hate when people don’t write things down.
J: It’s fine, I won’t eat.
Me: It’s not fine. Here’s take half of our food. Mouse and I’ll just grab something to eat later.

Once the shoot was over, she and I went to a nearby Korean joint and had food there.

I realize that most of my blog entries are about us being ravenously hungry and never managing to get full.

But this is getting long so I’ll tell you about that tomorrow.

Location: this morning, a much quieter subway ride
Mood: better
Music: I was whole
Where did you go? (Spotify)

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You bet your sweet…

I’ll always come back

After my son’s birthday, I headed back home to my pad, leaving him with my in-laws once again.

Him: Will you come back?
Me: I’m legally required to come back for you for another 13 years.
Him: I’ll miss you. You’ll come back, right?
Me: I’ll always come back for you, kid. You’re my 宝贝.

It was an unpleasant trip home for personal reasons I’m sure you can guess. It got worse once I got home.

You see, my internet was down when we left that morning and Time Warner/Spectrum said that it was an area outage type thing but I got a text on my phone that it was resolved that afternoon.

It wasn’t.

So, once I got back, I rang Spectrum at 11:30 at night. The fella I spoke to said my connection was fine, it was an issue with my Linksys router. So I gave them a call. The lady from Linksys said the my router and modem weren’t talking.

I decided to conference call both Spectrum and Linksys and they told me to hook up the modem directly to my computer.

Me: The only computer I have with an ethernet port is like 10 feet away and my longest ethernet cable is six feet.
Linksys: Well, you’ll have to call us both back when you can get an ethernet cable that can reach.
Me: Wait, I can crimp one myself. Can you two wait like 10 minutes?
Spectrum: I’m sorry, what do you mean crimp a cable together yourself? You’re going to make an ethernet cable?
Me: You bet your sweet ass, man. Can you hold on?
Both: Yes?

When Buckley and I first moved into this place 20-something years ago, he and I wired the whole place with Cat5 cable. Because I’d converted most of my wiring to Cat5E cable back on day 7 of the pandemic, I knew I still had some Cat5 attached to my bedroom wall.

So at 12:30AM, I tore it off my bedroom baseboard and cut both ends of it. Then I dug up my old Ethernet crimper and two RJ45 connectors and made myself a 15ft ethernet cable. Give or take.

Me: I’m back, I’m done. It’s plugged in.
Spectrum: You just crimped your own ethernet cable? Right now?
Me: Yup. Can you see my computer?
Him: Hold on…yes. I think you’re the first person I’ve ever spoken to that crimped his own ethernet cable while on the phone with us.
Me: That’s how I roll, man. Linksys, can I let this guy go and you and I fix this problem then?
Her: Sure.

By 1:30AM, I had internet again. Exhausted, I went to bed and woke up to find out that Biden won the election.

It’s been a weird and sad week. And there was more to come.

Podcast Version
Location: home, with working internet
Mood: bummed
Music: So many birthdays that I missed (Spotify)

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