Tag: insomnia

Day 1 of the insomnia again

I shattered glass all over my kitchen and dropped two plates today because I got less than two hours sleep last night.

My insomnia stretches have no rhyme or reason.

I could be happy or sad and they happen. Successful or failing and they happen. Have a late night or early night and they happen.

But I did notice that a few weeks ago, when I stopped drinking coffee altogether, I slept for two days in a row without any of the hard meds I usually need.

Less than a  week ago, started drinking regular coffee again and last night, I slept for about two hours.

I also realized that No 6 and I started getting into our insane insomnia-fueled fights after we got an espresso machine.

Wrote someplace else a dozen years ago about our coffee ritual of my making us two cups of coffee before she went to work. That’s neither here nor there.

Now, I usually stop all caffeine by 4PM; the average person takes up to six hours to process caffeine.

Recall stopping coffee several times in my past with no effect on my sleep, or lack thereof. But my brother once said something like this:

The thing is, I only have, at most, two cups of coffee. But perhaps it’s related now. Maybe that and all those possible pasts that I’ve gathered in my head alla these years means that the insomnia is stronger than it’s ever been.

I used to have a ritual to help me sleep but that’s gone now for reasons I’m sure you can figure out.

Wonder sometimes if Sleepy Logan is the real me or am I just the fake him? I don’t remember so much of my pasts but he does. Dunno which one of us is the lucky one.

But we both love the boy. So I suppose it doesn’t really matter which one of us is here.

Him: Papa!
Me: What?
Him: Open the door, just a little bit.
Me: No – sometimes the quiet darkness is your friend. For example, it helps you sleep.
Him: Go to sleep, too.
Me: I would love to. If only I could.

Location: the edge of insomniaville again
Mood: clear-headed and addled at the same time
Music: Wonder how I ever made it through. And there are children to think of
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Bye-bye. Broke.

Friday, went to the cemetery for the first time since that awful day. I did not handle it well at all. McCain‘s passing and some other rough stories about friends meant that my August continued to be less-than-ideal.

In any case, afterward, my sis, her husband, and I went to eat some Korean food; I had the goat, which was pretty terrible.

It’s fine. It was a terrible day.

The boy’s been talking about Gymgirl a lot.

Mom: So what happened?
Me: What do you mean?
Her: He said, “Gymgirl, bye-bye. Broke. No more.” So what happened?
Me: (shrugging) The same thing that always happens to everyone, mom. Life. Life happened.

As for my talking, dating seems to come up with all my friends, quite often.  We all agree on this about it: It’s the constant disappointment that wears you down.

JF1: Dating is definitely – reliably – disappointing.
Me: That’s the worst, isn’t it? You put all this excitement and emotion into someone and then it all turns to crap. It’s designed to always turn into crap every time…except once. And even then, at least with me…

Then again, she’s 29, tall, beautiful, and blond. I’m 45, and neither tall nor blond.

Still, in my head, I think I’m 12 years better than I was before.

Thought about about Gradgirl and my ex, No 6, recently. Not a lot, enough. Not in a romantic sense. In a, it’d be nice to chat, sense. Couldn’t sleep the other night – of course – and was close to calling one of them.

But I got up and made a batch of chocolates instead. Sugar-free in case you’re wondering.

On the plus side, not one but two different people sent me this article to boost my ego: For Online Daters, Women Peak at 18 While Men Peak at 50, Study Finds. Oy.

Yes, that’s crazy unfair, I agree.

But, you gotta admit: Life’s been plenty unfair enough to me already.

ABFF: Dating sucks. Don’t get your hopes up, Logan.
Me: Cm’on, lady! Hope’s all I got.

Although I do manage to find entertainment where I can:

Her: Sandi – with an “i.”
Me: Nice to meet you, Sandi-with-an-i. Logan (thinking) with a lotta baggage.
Her: (laughs) Nice to meet you, Logan-with-a-lotta-baggage.
Me:  (grinning) Yeah, you laugh now, you haven’t seen my baggage yet, darling…

Ended up calling Gradgirl again, after all.

That deserves an entry on it’s own but it’s a story for later.

The insomnia is…better? It’s rotten, versus @#$@#$#@ horrible. That’s better by my reckoning.

Location: a train with passenger that wanted to be home
Mood: thoughtful
Music: I regret every single thing I ever said, I said those things too softly
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…if I told you how little sleep I’ve had

This latest bout of insomnia actually started a few days before the breakup. The breakup and the manner in which it happened didn’t help, though.

It’s one of the worst ones I’ve had in ages; not including when just I stopped sleeping when Alison was first diagnosed.

Cable: You start hallucinating yet?
Me: Yup. I assume you’ve been awake this long before too if you know about it. Saw a ghost on all fours walk up my wall.

I slept zero hours in the past 48. It might also be that I’ve not gone to the gym, but then again, I’m in no shape to go to the gym.

And none of my normal meds, plus some recently added stuff from a friend, seem to be helping.

The  boy’s away, in case you’re concerned. Which is good, cause I just found my watch in the fridge.

Her: Are you ok?
Me: I haven’t been ok since November 8th, 2015.

I’m considering checking into a hotel. The pad’s empty save for memories I don’t wanna remember.

On a different note, I look great. I think I’ve lost four pounds. But I don’t advise it as a dieting scheme.

Me: (to self) Well, this isn’t good. (turning) Boy!
Son: (runs in) Yes, papa?
Me: You’ll be having water and peanut butter for a while. Papa will just be having water.
He: (laughs) OK, papa.

Well, while my personal life is in the tanker, at least my finances are also plummeting as well, so there’s that.

Honestly, though, I’d give my life savings right now for some sleep.

Location: with ghosts and demons, evidently
Mood: exhausted
Music: All I know is that you drove us off the road
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My insomnia’s much better these days

There’s this weird thing with insomnia: Everyone that has it seems to try and top someone else that has it with stories of how bad theirs is.

I think that some are resistant to getting better – at least at some level – because that would be an admission that it’s not actually that bad.

I can admit that was definitely me in my 20s and most of my 30s. Wore my insomnia like a badge of honor. It made me miserable but also let me do things that most people couldn’t because I felt I had 13 months a year to get things done, while other people had only 12.

But, at 41, I’m starting to realize the costs. Mainly that I just don’t remember things that well for most of that time.

Wrote in my private diary almost a decade ago this line from Fight Club that goes: With insomnia, nothing’s real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.

There are outlines but nothing is distinct.

I meet people who are kinda familiar from that period but mostly not. I remember things, kinda.

You know, I remember buying my apartment but not really. It’s like someone else bought it and I watched it happen on TV and left the room a buncha times.

Happy to say that my worst nights of insomnia these days are about on par with my regular nights of insomnia. Most weeks, manage to sleep pretty well. Had some insomnia the other day but still managed to get five hours of sleep.

Much better these days.

It’s like when I got HD television for the first time and realized that I’d been watching a fuzzy picture in black and white all these years.

Wish it was clearer, though, all of my fuzzy yesterdays.

Mood: better
Music: early morning yesterday, I was up before the dawn

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