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What’s there to celebrate?

I’m dull and vicious again


This blog has always been about people entering and leaving my Venn Diagram. Although some the leavings have changed dramatically  – and horrifically – in the past few years.

Gymgirl’s dropped out of this story; there’s more but that’s her story to tell.

Friend: You seem more upset about it than others in the past.
Me: Well, it’s my birthday next week, and it was more abrupt and random than usual.
Her: You should be one to talk about leaving people abruptly and randomly.

A lot’s going on in my life that I’m trying to get a handle on, least of which is that I’m turning 45 soon. It sounds so weird as I write it. Never thought I’d be single at 45, mainly because I was married and thought that was it for me.

I wanted it to be it for me.

But I’m going into 45 alone. Had a couplea people ask to do something and I’m honestly not sure. What’s there to celebrate?

Did see some friends over the weekend to watch the fights. And ate a lot more than I shoulda.

Him: How much chicken did you just eat?
Me: Clearly, not enough.

Probably drank a lot more than I should have as well.

Him: You should stop drinking.
Me: You’ve never said that to me in all our nights out before. So, I’ll stop.
Him: Good.

And I’m still me, as broken as ever.

Me: So what line of work are you in?
Her: I teach paddleboarding on the Hudson.
Me: (sighing) I have to sterilize everything you’ve touched now.
Her: (laughing) What? Why?
Me: Cooties, obviously.

Actually, it’s not true that I’m going into 45 alone. I have the kid. The kid’s enough. Dunno how anyone could ever leave that face.

Picked him up early from my mom on Sunday, despite little-to-no sleep, because I wanted to see that face so.

Me: Where we going?
Him: Home. Home. (smiles) [Gymgirl’s name]?
Me: (shaking head) No. It’s just you and me, kid. I’m sorry. We both really liked her, I know. Is it…is it ok if it’s just me again?
Him: Yesh. Yesh. (nods deeply then points at mouth) Eat. Eat.
Me: (laughing) That’s my boy. You and me against the world, right?
Him: Yesh. (touches my mouth) Eat.
Me: (nods)

Location: in front of a glass of rum and amaretto
Mood: dull and vicious
Music: the lovers and the lonely, start to whisper all about me

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Travelogue: Cornell University 2018, Day 2.5, 3.0

The food pic entry


Gymgirl and I were planning on eating dinner by ourselves the last night we were there but my cousins and their friends were all pretty easygoing and cool so we just ended up eating with them again.

Ras: No more buffets!
Me: I’m all about quantity over quality.

Alison was always into tapas – I never had any until she introduced me to them. By luck, everyone wanted to have that for dinner. So we went to Just a Taste, which was still packed with a 30 minute waiting list despite all the other restaurants being empty.

We figured that was a good sign.

Because Alison and I have had tapas so often, I did most of the ordering although some of her favourite dishes – Pan con Tomate and Croquetas de Jamón weren’t available.

But other things that she loved like Patatas Bravas were available so I ordered those plus we had two carafes of sangria for alla us.

Afterwards, Young and I started talking.

Him: I’m still hungry.
Me: We should get a sandwich for dessert.
Ras: You’re having meat for dessert?
Me: If we’re lucky!

We ended up going to a Jimmy Johns and ordering and splitting a Gargantuan.

The next day, we woke up, packed, and started heading back but not before having some Vietnamese food first.

Once again, I was so hungry that I didn’t take any pictures.

It was early when we got back. Ras and Young headed back to their pad and Gymgirl headed off to a family thingy.

That just left me alone in the empty apartment.

So I took out Alison and the kid’s picture and poured myself some rum.

Me: Just us again. So, what’d you think of Cornell?

Location: In front of a painting of Campari
Mood: missing my son and wife
Music: Tryin to raise a family is an empty home

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Travelogue: Cornell University 2018, Day 2

Buttermilk Falls


Didn’t get to sleep the night before until it was late.

I was gonna spend the day inside writing while everyone else went on a hike to Buttermilk Falls but the weather was too good not to go.

Gymgirl: You’re going hiking?
Me: I’m as surprised as you are. I mean, I’m gonna complain the whole time, but yes.

Got dressed and grabbed my bag.

Her: Oh! Don’t forget to bring your picture of Alison.
Me: (feeling for her picture in the bag) Got it.

We went downstairs to meet my cousin and her boyfriend, Young, who’s only a few years younger than me (no pun intended).

Cousin: You’re going hiking?
Me: I’m as surprised as you are. I mean, I’m gonna complain the whole time, but yes.
Young: (later) This is great. Now I know why she likes making fun of how old I am.
Me: Yeah, this is just great.

We arrived at the falls and it was pretty empty. Most people were away for the Easter holiday, which meant we had most of the hill for ourselves.

We ended up hiking for a solid 90 minutes or so, mostly uphill. The girls really enjoyed it. Us, not so much.

Me: This was a terrible idea. We should just push the two of them down the hill and get something to eat.
Young: Nah, they’ll both just say “wheeee!” alla way down.

We got as far as we could go before we had to turn back. Well, that’s not completely true.

Me: It says it’s dangerous and blocked off we should…
Gymgirl: (goes around fence)
Me: …just ignore all the warning signs and go in anyway.

Gymgirl: (later) Why don’t I take a picture with you and Alison?
Me: (nods)

Afterward, took the hike back down and then went to the Statler Hotel for brunch. Was so hungry that I forgot to take pics.

Cousin: I thought you were just going to eat bacon.
Me: I didn’t know steak and salmon were an option.

When we were done, most of them wanted to see the brain exhibit that was going on but Young and I both decided to head to the library there and just chill for a while.

Took some more pics of Alison there. The library was where I spent most of my time in college and I always wanted Alison to see it. It looks like a scene from Hogwarts. She woulda loved it.

Gymgirl met up with us a little while later and took some pics of me.

Everyone ended up going to some wineries around the area but I just wanted to sit in the library and think and write for a bit.

When everyone got back, we went out for dinner but this post is getting long and you’re probably bored so I’ll just finish it up tomorrow.

In the meantime, here’s a picture of my family in Cornell, finally.

I’d been waiting so long to take it, y’see:

Location: In front of a red painting
Mood: missing my son
Music: every now and then she dreams of all the lovely places

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Travelogue: Cornell University 2018, Day 1

All good or all powerful?


The Gymgirl and I decided to head up to Cornell with my cousin Ras and her guy. Ras’ brother, RL, was in grad school there so it was a good excuse to go while the kid was away for Easter.

I was last there ten years ago, right before I met Alison. We always talked about going up there, especially after we went to her college, but something always came up.

Me: Would you mind if I brought a picture of Alison up with us?
Gymgirl: Of course not.

We got out of the city late so didn’t end up there until after a quarter past six and checked into the Marriott there.

Her: You never stayed in a hotel here before?
Me: I have but this is nicer than what I was used to. When I came back after I graduated, I did mostly couch surfing.

It was late so I persuaded them to go eat dinner at one of the food halls I used to go to as a freshman there, RPU. It was almost empty, which was just great for me.

Ras’s brother had some friends join us.

Friend: Y’know, you’re just a little over a year older than my dad.
Me: Well, this dinner’s ruined. (turning to RL) Thanks for inviting your friend to come eat with us.

Neither Gymgirl nor I had been feeling well; the kid got a stomach bug and we, in turn, did as well.

Ras: Man, you ate a lot.
Me: Imagine what I woulda eaten if I wasn’t sick.

I walked them through my campus at night where I kept thinking that Alison woulda loved to have been there. I told her about the clock tower there and she said it sounded nice.

We went to my cousin’s office for a bit where we had a beer and then finished the night over sangria in Collegetown.

RL: I recall Neil DeGrass Tyson once said that you can’t have a God that is both all good and all powerful. He has to be either one or the other.
Me: My friend believes – very much – in god but has always said something really similar that answers that.
RL: Which is?
Me: He believes god exists but is convinced he’s evil. He said that every grotesque leader was once loved and thought of as a savior. That what the Devil’s all about. (shrugging) I don’t know what to believe but I see his point better than ever now.

Location: three nights ago, Collegetown Bagels
Mood: lonely
Music: marry me, your father will disown you

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Her chair was never dusty before

I love you oh so well

Gymgirl: You have glitter on your face.
Me: Dammit. I’m a 44 year-old man and covered in glitter all the time.
Her: Yes. You’re a very sparkly 44 year-old man.

The kid goes to art class twice a week. This means twice a week, I do a double batch of laundry and search for glitter in my house. It’s things like this that I think Alison woulda loved. Being a mom.

In many ways, being so busy is a good thing. Keeps me from dwelling on stuff. That’s why the quiet nights are the worst. Got time to think of everything and don’t wanna.

Artistgirl dropped me a line recently, just to ask for some legal advice. She’s back in the dating world. Gradgirl just wanted to say hi, and Daisy told me she’s happy as well.

I’d like to be happy.

The world keeps turning and I wonder how it’s possible.

Alison spent a good deal of time in her professional life trying to fight this disease called Guinea Worm. It’s gross. Don’t google it.

President Carter just announced earlier this week that it’s been eradicated from South Sudan. That woulda made Alison weep with joy. God, she was a such a beautiful soul.

Speaking of weeping, I was walking on Broadway the other day when Dave Matthew’s Oh came on right as I was in front of the medemerge. There are lyrics that go:

I hear you still talk to me
As if you’re sitting in that dusty chair
Makes the hours easier to bear.
I know, despite the years alone,
I’ll always listen to you sing your sweet song
And if it’s all the same to you
I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven, overflow and fill hell
Love you oh so well

And I just lost it.

The world turns and I look at her dusty chair and just don’t know how it does without her.

Oh…

Location: Yesterday, at the dentist’s. That’s for next time.
Mood: sigh
Music: You are here with me. Makes it ok. Oh girl, you’re singing to me still.

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Citrus Betty, the playa

Surviving it all

Me: (with kid in stroller) Can you pop the trunk?
Brother: Why don’t you just put him in the car seat?

My brother visited me the other day.

He used to come all of the time to see my dad. Now he comes to see my mom. He travels here from Cali and I wish I had more time to spend with him but I’m always taking care of the kid.

The week he came, I started potty training. It’s been tiring and gross, I’ll leave it at that. Also been sick. Seems like I’m constantly sick; kids his age are like sponges for germs so as soon as I’m over one cold, another one starts.

So I only got to see him one night and even then, we didn’t get to really spend any time together. But we all went out – him, me, the kid, and Gymgirl – and got some food at this joint called Playa Betty’s.

It used to be a Latin fusion place called Citrus. Was last there with Alison on December 31, 2008 at 11:30PM. I know the time because I wrote briefly about it here. We sat on the second floor and she and I both ate so much that we had to head home before it actually turned to 2009.

This is a picture I took that night. It’s not great but it’s all I got. She just laughed at something I said. I’m just hilarious.

And there I was at this new/old place earlier this week with our son and another woman and my brother.

Felt it kinda perfectly summed up my life now: Very different but with some unifying things. My brother has always been a constant in my life, and for that, I’m so grateful.

At his wedding (he’s single now) I joked that he was a year older than me. Said that I couldn’t imagine how he survived that year without me. Truth is, I’m not sure how I woulda survived all this without him.

As for me, I’m trying to move on as best I can. Mainly for the kid. Suppose it doesn’t really matter why I move on, just that I do.

And I’m always thankful for the good souls that keep me company along the way.

Nate: (pointing to his room while eating dinner) Mom! Mom!
Gymgirl: You want your mom? Let me get her for you. (gets up, goes to room and returns with Alison’s picture) Here you go. Mom!
Nate: (laughs, takes picture) Mom.

Location: In front of a potty
Mood: still injured, still heartbroken, still here
Music: In my heart, she left a hole

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Rum, beer, chili, and friends

A Chili Cook-off and Birthday


Had a buncha friends from my old gym over the other day to celebrate my cousin’s birthday.

I remember meeting her when she was just a few days old so it was kinda a kick in the head.

It wasn’t entirely for her because I insisted on making it a chili-cookoff, so it was win-win for everyone.

Well, me anyway.

Friend: Does she even like chili?
Me: (confused) Who doesn’t like chili?

We had five competitors and I made a pretty good batch with chocolate and dark beer for some added depth.

Here’s the thing: I either came in fourth or last. Everyone else’s chili was just that good.

Him: Are you ok coming in fourth or fifth place?
Me: (puzzled) Sure – I got to have four other amazing chilis. If that’s not a win, I don’t know what is.

Very, very little bothers me these days.

After dealing with – literal – life and death matters, it’s hard to take anything else seriously these days. I have no patience for the ridiculousness of others.

Besides, I have no problem supplying my own ridiculousness.

Gymgirl: Will you have prizes?
Me: The first prize is gonna be a portrait of me by my son.

Drew won both the first prize and the chef’s choice prize – a crystal cigar ashtray – because he made a killer batch with beef ribs.

It was amazingly good and I ended the day with a ton of new ideas for chili.

Her: Did you have fun?
Me: I had rum, beer, chili, and friends come by. So, yeah.
Her: Good. You deserve a little fun.
Me: (looking around) Yeah. Now I gotta clean up. Everything’s a mess.
Her: (picking up a dish) Don’t worry. I’ll help.

Location: At home, with a fridge fulla chili
Mood: still injured
Music: we keep busy. The waves come after midnight

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I’ll be busy on the 24th

I have plans, you see


My friend Rose wrote me to tell me she was coming into town.

Her: I’ll be there in August! I’d love to help you diminish any quantity of rum you would like.
Me: As long as it’s not the 24th.

This comedian named Rita Rudner once said, “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

It was my wedding anniversary this past Saturday. Spent it drinking by myself from 11AM to midnight.

I remember getting married pretty clearly. Was working on a project for a client until the moment we left for the courthouse; I took this one last job because I knew we’d spend the next few weeks or so just daydreaming.

She probably found it annoying but never mentioned it. I just wanted to get all the work out of my brain and desk to focus on being married to her.

We picked February 24th because it was exactly 10 days after St. Valentine’s Day, so it would be easy to remember.

I remember that we spent the whole day trying on the words, “my wife” and “my husband” like a new shirt.

Alison died on May 24th.

My father died on August 24th.

And February 24th is miserable day for me.

So if we ever meet up in RL, figure I should tell you now that I’m busy on the 24th.

I have plans, you see.

Location: On a train heading to Queens
Mood: injured
Music: we could be married and then we’d be happy

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It’ll never be ok

Just like that, I’m back

Woman: Mister. Mister. Are you ok?
Me: No.

This past week, I had a number of clients and friends contact all at once.
I’ve not really worked in any meaningful capacity in almost three years. But I’m right back as if nothing happened.

And yet, so much has happened.

Had a meeting on the Upper East Side with my buddy Steele’s wife for some work the other day and I’ve always prided myself on always being punctual.

She was on East 80th Street so I took the train to East 77th and got off.

When the train pulled into the station, I was so concerned about being on time that it didn’t occur to me that I’d been there. So many goddamn times.

I forgot that’s where the hospital was. The last hospital we went to.

As I walked up the stairs, saw it and my knees buckled. Ended up sitting on the stairs as I tried to catch my breath.

For those of you that know me in real life, that know my aversion to germs and dirt, picture me wearing one of my suits and sitting on a subway stairwell.

It was surreal.

Passerbys asked me if I was ok, if I needed help. Told them that I was beyond help.

Made it to my feet and made it to my friend’s door. Don’t even remember how.

Her: (opening door) Logan! Come on in. So good to…
Me: (interrupting) I forgot. (leaning against wall) I forgot this is where the hospital was. I…(chokes)
Her: (steps out, gives me a hug) It’s ok.
Me: It’s not. (shakes head) It’ll never be ok. (her baby cries)

Just like that. I’m right back as if nothing happened.

Steele and I chatted about it afterward.

Me: BTW, I’m sure the wife will tell you but I had a mini-breakdown in your apartment and may have scared your kid a bit.
Him: I can’t blame you. He’s gotta toughen up anyway…

Funeral Blues
by W H Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message ‘He is Dead’.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Location: A black desk
Mood: tired
Music: I’m broken and I don’t understand

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Long weekend

I’ll take a tiny win

Her: Do you know what the worst part about being short is?
Me: You don’t get to go on the adult rides in an amusement park?

This was a long weekend. The kid’s usually away at least every other weekend with my mom so I get a little break but this week, I had plans to bring him up to a birthday party with Alison’s college friends on Saturday morning.

See, I want him to have as much of the life that he woulda had with Alison. She woulda been there with her friends.

But he had a stomach thingy and we couldn’t go at the last minute.

This also messed things up for me because I was hoping that a neighbor or a sitter could watch him while I went to one of my oldest friend’s bday parties. But it’s not fair to stick someone with a vomiting kid.

Besides, I was worried it was the flu, despite him not having a fever.

So I stayed in the whole weekend. Then I started feeling rough. So the Gymgirl came over and spent one day watching him while I slept and drank fluids. She even brought him to an indoor playground through the pouring rain.

The Gymgirl is pretty short. I’m no giant but she’s tiny. I tell her that I could easily bench press her.

I like her cause she’s got a big heart, though. Actually met her because she did a few fundraisers for Alison.

I was in the living room resting when she was playing with the boy in the other room and smiled when I heard them interacting.

Her: Who’s that? Who’s that? (pointing at Alison’s picture)
Him: Mama.
Her: That’s right! That’s your mama.

Often write about how the only luck I’ve got is of the kind you don’t want.

But I did wake up this morning to this text from my phone from ABFF:

I have two kids with temps of 104 and one threw up tonite. So it’s good Nate didn’t come by…

It’s a tiny win but a win nonetheless. I’ll take it.

Me: Look at it this way, you and the kid can see eye-to-eye.
Her: I’m not that short!
Me: (looking over her head) Wait, where did you go?

Location: A white desk this time
Mood: tired
Music: So come over, just be patient and don’t worry

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