Essentially, the entirety of this song lays out what last month has been like.
Can usually make it to the part that goes: “She tried her best and now she can’t win” before I have to stop playing it.
Everything we do now, we do with the goals of (a) providing Alison some comfort and (b) fulfilling what she would want most if she couldn’t make it.
For the latter, it’s to make sure that Nate is going to be ok.
As I mentioned to you in the last entry, between the theft, the fertility treatments, and the past 18 months of expenses, the donations you’ve provided for her will also help me raise him the way she would have wanted.
That’s all we can do now.
She’s been sleeping almost all day these days. So we – her mother and I – sit and wait with her.
A shocking number of my friends and family have never met Alison, or met her only once.
We gave a million reasons why. But the whole story starts like this: A decade ago, a family friend stole my life savings.
When I met Alison, was still struggling to get my life back together again. But she loved me anyway.
She could have had anyone and she chose me.
That’s part of why I was so busy. Was trying to make back 30 years of savings first. But she was busy too.
After we got married, we immediately tried to start a family. And failed. Repeatedly.
Ultimately, we went to several specialists and spent a huge chunk of our savings, including what I had saved up since the theft, trying to have a kid.
She was essentially pregnant for four years straight. And she lost six pregnancies. Six.
People are often crushed with one. You cannot imagine the heartache that comes with six. In a row.
Four were miscarriages. Two were ectopics. If a miscarriage is traumatic, an ectopic is devastating. With an ectopic, you’re in the horrifying position of praying for a miscarriage.
This is after sticking herself with needles every single goddamn night for years.
But it got worse. As I said in an entry I wrote about our very last loss, there’s always room for more down. That loss almost destroyed us because we heard a strong heartbeat only to lose it a few days later.
And the close friend in this entry was Alison. She had to have surgery due to another failed pregnancy.
Whenever we did go out, people would inevitably ask, “Are you planning on having kids?” And what do you say to that? When she actually was pregnant and she didn’t drink, people would always ask annoying questions.
We were tired of it all. So we either turned down all invitations or she just stayed home and I went out. This was for four years.
It’s funny but I have three good friends named Cary, Carey, and Kari; one has never met her and the others only met her once or twice in a all these years.
We never told anyone. Because we just kept hoping that someday, we’d have a family.
When she finally gave birth to Nate, we thought it was over. All the heartbreak, fear, dashed hopes, and loneliness. What we got instead was much, much worse. So much worse than our worst nightmares.
She deserved so much better than this. Her birthday is in a few days.
You wanna know the craziest thing? That’s not even everything. There’s more. But I don’t even think our story up to now is believable.
Her: We were finally supposed to get a good Christmas. Me: (quietly) I know. I’m so sorry.
I’ve talked about Selene a lot in the past. She was the Greek goddess of the moon. When I was single, in my late night insomnia, she was my constant companion.
Story goes that Selene loved a mortal and begged Zeus to give him everlasting life. He did, but there was a catch – there’s always a catch – the man would live forever, but only if he slept.
A report came out a week ago that said lots of thinking – essentially being awake – could lead to a spike in brain cancer for those that had it.
Anecdotally, we think that part of the reason Alison survived so long is because she slept for months after the surgery.
Always felt it was selfish of Selene to keep her love asleep to simply keep him with her.
How is that love?
Wonder if I’m being selfish now. It’s easy for me to say to Alison that she has to fight. She’s the one fighting.
And she’s been fighting for 18 months straight. That’s actually not true – she’s been fighting things for five years straight.
However brave and strong you think my wife is, you only know half the story. She is stronger – and the story, more tragic – than you know. I’ll tell you about it soon.
Because you should know how very special she is.
Back to Selene: To what kind of life did she condemn the one she loved most?
Alison’s more confused and vomiting constantly. We decided to keep her home for as long as possible.
Oddly, ran into someone from the hospital the other day while I was out running an errand.
Him: Mr. McCarthy, how is your wife? Me: The same. (thinking) Worse. Him: (pause) I’m sorry. We talk about you two, you know. Me: You’re all surprised she’s still alive. Him: (sighing) Yes, that’s true. But also that you both keep fighting. Me: She keeps fighting. I’m just support staff. Him: I’ve been doing this over 20 years. Seen a lot of men just put their wives into hospice and move on. Me: Why would anyone marry anyone if they weren’t in for the full deal? Him: I dunno, people do. (later) Are you a religious man? Me: Once thought about being a pastor. A fleeting thought. But I went to and volunteered for church for years. Him: So you believe in God. You have that to lean on. Me: I do believe in God, this is true. (pause) I just don’t think he likes my family very much. Him: (long pause) I don’t know what to say about that. Me: Nothing to say. My wife’s not even the only one dying. I had two others in my family with terminal illnesses. And that’s not even everything. Him: (sighing) It’s like Job. (hopefully) He survived. Me: Yeah. His family didn’t. I’d rather it be other way around. I’m sure he woulda too.
That she loves me as deeply as she does is worth more than anything you might imagine. And I love her so. I would do anything to take this from her.
I would do anything.
For those of you that have read me for years, you know I struggle with depression and dark thoughts. I struggle now.
The people in my life know that too. So I called my mom last night.
Her: …and you? Will you be ok? Me: No. But I’m not going to hurt myself if that’s what you’re asking. Her: I am. Me: I have to raise our son. I won’t let him grow up alone. Her: Promise me. Me: Mom, I already promised her.
We had some more bad news a month ago. Didn’t tell you about it because we needed to process it all.
They found yet another spot on her MRI. The doc told us to wait and see if it’s actually cancer or if it’s the treatments doing their thing.
For those of you keeping score, that’s four spots of cancer: Two confirmed from the original cancer, one from January, and this new one they found last month.
We had the option of another MRI this past Monday but we decided to wait until May.
There are a number of things that the people that know me in real life hear me constantly say.
Such as: That’s a distinction without a difference.
This is a both a legal term and a logical fallacy where someone points something out that has no bearing on the issue at hand.
Now some news outlets are saying he had a criminal past. But this is a distinction without a difference; it has no bearing on the fact that he was violently dragged off a plane.
Suppose that’s another post for another time.
Getting back to our situation, I’m always anxious these days. I wanna know what’s going on in Alison’s head. Literally.
Yet, knowing – at this point – is worse than not knowing.
Because we might change course when we should give all the things we’re doing time to work.
And, really, we don’t have too many options right now. Knowing if it’s more cancer won’t change the job that needs to be done. So we wait and hope.
Me: May. Hospital Scheduling Woman: OK. (pause) Are you sure? Me: No. But that’s a distinction without a difference. We’ll come in May.
Going back to my maritime analogy, when the nights were cloudy and sailors didn’t have stars to figure out where they were going, they used deductive reasoning to essentially say:
If I know I was there on Tuesday traveling X knots per hour, and today is Wednesday, then I must be here.
They didn’t call this deductive reasoning, though, they called it deductive reckoning, which was shortened to ded reckoning, which morphed into dead reckoning.
And it’s apt cause the problem with dead reckoning is accumulating error: If I’m wrong about any assumption, that error is magnified the further you travel in time and space. You think you’re heading to safe shores and instead you’re adrift, thousands of miles off course.
We got good news last Monday that was taken away from us on Friday – the doc missed something. Our good news never ends up being good for very long.
So we’re back to trying to figure out what to do next.
Which means that I stay up at night, thinking of all our possible pasts, trying to determine the cascading consequences of my actions. Or inaction.
This fella named Bertrand Russell said that, “The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.”
Not that I’m so wise, but it’s come to this, where I’m envious of fools and their ability to sleep. But that’s for me to deal with.
Her: Are you ok? Me: Of course. You’re home. The kid is walking. And I had a gyro for lunch. What else could a fella want? Her: (teasing) Me to be cancer free? Me: Well, there is that.
Many thanks again to my friends Ricky and Kathy, who – with their friends and mine – managed to raise $12,000 for Alison with their dinner fundraiser.
As I write this, you are almost sixteen months old. I still feel guilty that your Grandma McCarthy has been taking the most care of you because I am still focused on your mama.
So many people write me asking about her these days. They’re waiting for some news. We are as well. We wait to see if we have more monsters to fight. We wait and wish.
For now, we pretend we’re a normal family raising you.
In it, several scientists found a simple 15-minute test given to 3-5 year olds that later turned out to be the single biggest determinant of a child’s success in the world – more than IQ, education, wealth, or anything else.
The test went like this:
A child was led into a room, empty of everything but their favorite food, like a marshmallow, on a table.
The child was told that he or she could have the marshmallow now OR
Wait 15 minutes and they could have two of them.
The children were tracked for several years and the researchers found that those that waited that extra 15 minutes did better at pretty much everything, versus the ones that would simply eat the marshmallow as soon as the researchers left.
Her: I’m tired of being sick and in pain. What’s the point? To live a few more days? Me: To stay alive for one more year.
For the past few months, Alison’s been on three treatments to fight this damn thing. Last Monday, we lost all three treatments.
One treatment is called Optune and involves an array of magnets that she wears on her head 24/7. It sounds crazy but was just approved in October 2015 to fight her type of cancer.
The second is an experimental treatment that’s not approved for her cancer but it’s similar to the treatment that President Carter used. We just started it last week because of her new growth.
The third is a highly experimental treatment that’s not approved for any cancer but passed Phase 1 and 2 clinical trials in Brazil. I managed to find a supplier to agree to get me some.
The first two we lost because our insurance changed. The third we lost because FDA rules changed.
It was a difficult Monday, to say the least. Yet, in some ways, Alison seemed relieved. She was tired. Tired of the struggle. Tired of the pain. And I couldn’t blame her.
But later on in the week, Optune told us to appeal the decision and if we did that, they would let us continue to use the device for a fraction of the $21,000 per month it costs (you read that right). So we got that back.
Then our doctor called the insurance company and asked for a waiver for the second treatment. He called us late in the week to come in for another infusion because it had been approved. I’ll update this entry this week if it happens. So that’s back too.
Finally, a young woman I had been corresponding with about the third treatment told me that her husband wasn’t doing well. So she was going to send me two months of the drug. It just arrived.
More on that in another entry as it deserves more than such a brief mention here.
So I told Alison that all I wanted was for her to make another year. Because we didn’t know what the future holds. On Monday, all seemed lost. By Friday, we were back in business.
And, like I said, Optune was just approved October 2015. Who knows what will happen October 2017? We just have to go a little farther.
Me: Remember that story I told you about the 12,000 miles? We just have to keep going until we see another island. I’m just asking you to hang on for a little while longer. Her: I’m so tired. Me: Just a little while longer. I’ll be with you the whole time.
My gym sent her those flowers above.
It was the perfect cheery thing for an otherwise un-cheery week.
Wrote once that our friends reflect some part of us. It’s why friendship exists. I’m honored that we have such amazing people in our lives that see something of themselves in us and vice versa.
In three days, on January 7th, 2017, Radical MMA is having a Roll-a-thon fund-raiser for Alison, which they planned – as with the others – wholly as a surprise for us. The way it works is as follows:
Participants find sponsors (family, friends, companies, brands, etc) that donate per hour of roll. Each participant will start rolling for as long as they can, starting at 10AM.
For example, if Mariko has five sponsors donating $10 per an hour and ends up rolling for four hours, then she raises $200 for Alison.
You can click our YouCaring link to sponsor any one of the people below:
Mariko and Rene Dreifuss
Rene is the owner of the gym, my dear friend, and my instructor; Mariko is his talented wife who designs all the cool images for these fundraisers. If you’re at all interested in starting something new and (very) physically and mentally challenging, consider signing up at Radical MMA and supporting these two lovely people, who spend so much time supporting Alison and me. As an added bonus, you can always watch Rene abuse me on the mats, which he does with alarming regularity.
Alesya Yelisow
She ran in the Tough Mudder last year with the others for Alison. I always feel bad for the guy that thinks he’ll take it easy on her because she’s a girl. Then again, it’s very entertaining.
Balaji Sudhakar Subramani
It’s a good thing he’s part of the gym, because when he and I are both there, I think that Rene is torn as to whom to abuse, which gives me a 50/50 shot at a reprieve from something called The Japanese.
Chad Hernandez
He’s my other main coach in the gym and the guy in this picture. We call him “Damn Chad” because, he’s so good that, at some point rolling with him, you’ll inevitably say “Damn, Chad – what just happened?”
Donald Trainor and Drew Cotton
I put them together because they both had their own personal fundraisers for Alison, for which I am very grateful, and because my relationship with each of them is much like the video below, but with less explosives and more choking.
Elizabeth Harney
Liz isn’t rolling because of work, but not for lack of trying. She was the one that organized the Tough Mudder for Alison, which meant so much to us. An artist by trade – she has some work in a show this Sunday – I told her that most of my legal clients were artists; obviously, she has a lawyer for life.
Jeff Bagby
Jeff is another 40-something but he’s much, much, much better than I. He was one of the first people that I spoke to about Alison. He got me in touch with a survivor of brain cancer, which was a lifeline at the time as that was some hope when we needed it the most.
Joshua Martinez
A chef by trade, he also ran in the Tough Mudder for Alison and first turned me on to the wonders of turmeric. If it wasn’t for our current situation, I’m fairly certain I’d be irritating him by showing up where he works for food.
Laura N. Benítez
Laura used to work around the corner from my pad. I told her that we would grab coffee before/after class one day but then she up and moved to California for a new adventure. Ah, to be young and carefree and studying how to choke people. I’m glad she’s back if only for a bit and to roll for Alison.
Max Kuba
He’s a fellow tech that also happens to be the gym’s unofficial dietitian. When Alison dropped to her lowest weight, he gave me some invaluable ideas to get her stable. I still consult with him now for eating tips and terrible puns.
Megan Frazier
She’s one of the people in our gym that I think might go pro one of these days. Looking forward to that and being her agent. I expect the standard 10%.
Miguel Belmonte
Miguel is the other 40-something in a school of 20-somethings. While he’s an actor from Spain, I believe we think the exact same thing every time we leave the mat: “Man, this is gonna hurt tomorrow.”
Mike Robinson
He was actually a student at my fencing class but, with a background in wrasslin, told him Radical might be a better fit. Years later, he’s much better than I. How I hate him.
Good old Charlie Brown.
Robert Haffeman
Half-man is one of the top athletes in our gym. He’s also ridiculously tall, handsome, kind, and intelligent with a wife who’s beautiful both inside and outside. How I hate him as well.
Roger Song
A fellow Cornell-grad who prevents me from saying that I’m the best Cornell grad fighter there.
Roslyn Lo
My cousin, whom I love and am very proud of for being the badass she is. I resent that she is younger, arguably stronger, and more attractive than me.
Sawyer Speilberg
Is an actor and one of main training partners. I think he could be a pretty good fighter if he devoted himself to it but I won’t encourage him because his mom, an actress herself (who was in a small film back in the day) sent Alison $5,000 for the Tough Mudder and I think she’d be mad at me if I did.
Simon Ying
We took a train together once and he stayed on well past his stop to tell me more about the woman he was dating at the time. Wasn’t too surprised when they got hitched: You wanna marry someone who forgets to get off a train because he’s telling someone else how great you are.
Sohail Mathur
Is an example of a small world; he actually knew my cousin Roslyn even before he started there. I don’t see much of him but am touched he still volunteered for this.
Yu Ji
As irritated as I am with Half-Man, it’s doubly true for Ji as he’s all those things and Chinese. Here’s him being taller and younger than me at ComicCon a few years back.
Finally a quick thanks to Henry Cho, and Jonathan Chan who can’t roll but have already agreed to sponsor others, and Philip Chen, whom I told you about previously. I just heard that Farouk Araki, whom I don’t know very well, is also rolling for Alison – and that’s why this is so cool. People helping others just because…
The kindest thing you can do for someone is to value greatly what they value greatly. I value nothing greater than Alison and the kid.
