Tag: family

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Oh, how I wish you were here

Proud of ourselves

The Firecracker was busy for most of the following day but we met up for a walk to the pier near my pad when she was free.

There was a salsa party going on so we had to fight our way through that to make it to the edge of the pier, but it was worth it.

Me: What are you thinking?
Her: These are the times where I think, I can’t believe that I live here.

This fella named Richard Ford once said, The more we see our parents fully, see them as the world does, the better our chances to see the world as it is.

The boy just got his first red stripe in BJJ, which is kinda a big deal – certainly to him, if nuthin else.

Him: LOOK, LOOK! (shows me) Are you proud of me?
Me: Of course. But that’s not as important as if you’re proud of yourself. Are you proud of yourself?
Him: (beaming) Yes!
Me: That’s the most important thing, kid. Do things that make yourself proud of yourself, not me or anyone else.

Finding that I miss my dad the most when I want to ask him things about me when I was the kid’s age.

I mean, my mom’s still around and she and I talk about these things but I wonder what my dad was thinking when I was the kid’s age and doing similar things.

Realize all the times that my dad was right – and wrong – about things. I so wish he was here to talk about it all.

If he was, I wish I could tell him that I understand now, so much more about him than I ever did.

Wish I could tell him that I loved him, still do, and always will.

I wonder if he’d be proud of me. Then again, I think I did the best I could with everything I was given.

In that sense, then, I’m proud of myself.

Still, I wish he was here.

Although, truthfully, I always wish the people I loved were here with me.

Him: You looked like this again (makes face). Were you thinking of mommy again?
Me: (smiling, shaking head) I always think of her, but at that moment, I was thinking of my papa.
Him: (hugs me) I’m sorry, daddy.
Me: Thanks, kid. You’re my faves.
Him: YOU’RE MY FAVES!
Me: (laughing, hoping that I’ll stay in his top 10 forever)

Location: getting a second free soda at a street party because the person wanted a pic of me
Mood: hollowed
Music: how I wish you were here (Spotify)
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A trip to the Great Wolf Lodge

Getting away from the smokey City

As my dumb luck would have it, a few months ago, I randomly decided to schedule a trip to the Great Wolf Lodge in the Poconos for this past Thursday and Friday with the Firecracker, the Surgeon and his wife, plus another lawyer and his kid.

Well, it was more that the Firecracker is a huge, huge fan of theme parks.

Her: What if the air’s worse up there?
Me: Welp, we’re about to find out.

This worked out amazingly because we were able to leave the city and spend the next two days indoors at a water park with climate control.

So, we went from this…

…to this…

…and this.

The kids all had a blast…


…although the adults also had fun.

Gotta say, I was pretty high-strung when we first got there because I really wanted him to wear a floatation vest but the kid was 100% against the idea.

Ultimately the Surgeon told me to relax because there were lifeguards everywhere. Then he bought drinks for everyone.

Me: Well, if you’re sure…
Him: Look, Logan, there are five adults here. Combined, we would be one good parent. And, really, that’s all you need.

Honestly, the only negative about the trip was that the food was pretty awful (health-wise) and expensive.

Although I tried my best to counteract it for myself; the kid was all-in for the junk food, though.

We had alla these plans to either head out to get tacos or eat at the nice restaurant in the park but we were all so beat from the day that we just ordered food from the same place as lunch and had it outside our hotel rooms.

Except with a lotta alcohol.

The next morning’s food choices weren’t much better…

…although I did make the kid have some peanut butter to counteract some of it all.

The boy and his friends were probably in the water for six or seven hours the first day and at least three or four hours the second day.

Unfortunately, one of the Surgeon’s kids had cut her toe on something sharp in the water so they left early.

That meant that the kid and the Firecracker’s kid got to do other things.

The kids didn’t wanna leave but the Firecracker and I were both beyond beat.

Heading home, we came pretty close to running outta gas but made it to a gas station just in time.

By the time we got home, the air had pretty much returned to normal and we had ourselves a typical rest-of-the-weekend.

The kids had a blast, but I’m not sure I’m really a theme park kinda guy.

Then again, I suppose that this is all part of the job of being a parent.

Him: Thanks for bringing me to the Great Wolf Lodge, papa!
Me: Did you have fun?
Him: YEAH!! Did you?
Me: (laughs) Sure. But all I really care about is that you had a good time, kiddo.
Him: I did, I did!

Location: home, wondering if I should have more of that green cake
Mood: exhausted
Music: got a lot of water in my brain, I got no common sense (Spotify)
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Gird your loins, Logan

What does it mean to be human?

Me: Shoot, he got sick again. Gotta do another load of laundry. I’m exhausted.
Her: Gird your loins, Logan.
Me: Wait, wha?
Her: Gird your loins, Logan!

It was a super busy weekend with the kid because he had a birthday party to go to as well as a class spring fair, like last year.

During onea those two things, he musta caught a stomach bug because the rest of the weekend was pretty gross.

And by that, I mean it was really gross. Did like five or six loads of laundry in two days.

The Firecracker was over working on a few things so she gave us a lotta advice and moral support, both of which were greatly appreciated.

While walking the other day, I saw a firefighter walking a dalmatian.

Me: Dude, I’m sorry but do you mind if I take a photo of you? I’ve never seen a firefighter with an actual dalmatian.
Him: Sure!

Not something you see every day, here in the big city.

The kid had a field trip to the Museum of Natural History the other day and I volunteered to be a chaperone.

I came across that sign that you see above and it really made me think.

If this blog is about anything, it’s about what it means to be human.

There was a lot more I wanted to write about this but I suppose I’ll do that some other time.

Speaking of being human and gross things, gotta say that humans are pretty darn gross.

Case-in-point, the Firecracker loves trashy reality show television and her latest viewing pleasure is that of Dr. Pimple Popper, which – if you’ve never seen it – don’t start now.

Her: (searches for the right episode) OK, this guy…yeah that’s exactly what I had in mind. (presses play)
Me: OK…doesn’t seem…is that guy…OH MY GOD!
Her: It gets worse. Wait for it…
Me: Why are we watching this?! Oh my god, it got worse!
Her: It’s like a train wreck you just can’t stop.
Me: Make it stop!

I think I’ll skip eating entirely tomorrow.

Location: her place, watching something super, super gross
Mood: grossed out
Music: Ain’t nothing gonna stop me in my pursuit (Spotify)
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Two parades, two bars, two medical visits

And one Scenic Fights shoot

It’s been a weird few weeks.

It all started when I was rolling with my friend Lau, who’s a smaller female in my gym class. Because she’s so much smaller than me, I try to just focus on technique rather than brute strength to win.

One day, we had this exchange:

Me: I left my mouth guard at home so let’s go easy today, ok?
Her: Sure, sure.

Welp, that didn’t happen at all and she went full on aggro, ended up with her accidentally slamming her head up my jaw and cracking a molar.

Was in pain for a while because I had to wait a few days to see the dentist and then lost an entire afternoon to get it repaired.

Unfortunately, it’s still pretty painful so I’m guessing I’m gonna have to see the dentist again.

Dentist: Now how did this even happen?
Me: Well, my female friend slammed her head into my jaw and cracked it.
Her: (shocked) Does that happen a lot to you?
Me: (shrugging) More than you might imagine.

Oh, and it cost me $120 of copay. So. Annoyed.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t the only person in our two-person-family that had a medical issue come up; the kid was coughing consistently for a short spell.

One night, he was coughing so much that I got so worried – because of what happened with both Alison and my dad – that I couldn’t sleep.

So, the next day I had him skip the morning of school for him to get checked out.

But everything turned out fine.

Doc: His lungs sound congested but fine. You can give him some allergy pills, some hot steam baths, or do nothing.
Me: I tend to lean toward the last one.
Her: (laughs) That’s a totally valid response here. He’ll be fine.

Did manage to have a nice night out with the Firecracker at an upscale bar BUT some loudmouth started screaming at his friend at the top of his lungs right next to us.

I found it particularly annoying because the last time I was in that bar was with Alison almost a decade ago.

I’d avoided going in all this time just because I didn’t think I could handle it; it was one of the very last times we had gone out for a celebration.

But the Firecracker was super cool about everything and insisted we go to another – much more mellow – a dive bar around the way.

It was much better for a number of reasons, least of which was that it was sans loudmouth.

Completely randomly, I found myself blocked by two different parades on two different days.

One was the Japanese Day parade, where I had to go up two more blocks than I wanted to get into the park and then four more blocks than I wanted to get out of the park.

The other was another parade outside of Paxibellum after we did a Scenic Fights shoot.

Like I said, it’s been a weird few weeks.

But, I did manage to have a nice Memorial Day weekend.

Suppose I’ll tell you about that in the next entry.

Location: a California beach taco joint, having some rum and chatting about living above a bank or a converted department store in Union Square
Mood: slightly drunk
Music: don’t you know, life’s too short to take it slow (Spotify)
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A celebration and then karaoke

So funny and great

After the Hudson Yards, the Firecracker invited my brother and his girl to a celebration that she was having.

I got there first, where I met a whole buncha her friends, including another lawyer.

Him: …Yale. You?
Me: Cornell. Which, in the original Algonquin, I believe means, “Couldn’t make it into Yale.”

It was a pretty low-key thing at a local bar that I’d been to tons of times before.

Had my fill of bar food. Well, I had bar food. I coulda eaten more.

The Egyptian boyfriend of one of her friends and I got to talking about food.

Him: It’s not Egyptian but if you like shawarmas the best places are in Astoria.
Me: Way ahead of you, man.

I would honestly go to Europe just to eat shawarmas/gyros everywhere.

It was fun and everyone was nice but then it was time for us to leave.

I expected to head home afterward but my brother and his girl wanted to go to karaoke so who was I to tell them not to?

Brother: Wait, do you wanna come?
Me: Well, I don’t *want* to come but…
Firecracker: Karaoke!
Me: Yes?

So, the Firecracker and I went with them to midtown.

After just a few minutes, we found ourselves at a joint called Duet 53 where everyone sang a song and I tried to finish a huge bottle of sake.

Couldn’t do it.

My brother and his girl hung out until 6AM – hoo-boy – but the Firecracker and I called it by 1AM.

Although, she would probably had stayed out if given the option.

Her: Ready to go home, old man?
Me: God, yes…

Interestingly, on the way back home – in the middle of the night – met another couple who saw my cousin’s show on Broadway, Shucked.

She raved about it.

Woman: You have to see it now, before it wins a buncha awards and tickets are sold out everywhere.
Me: Oh, that’s high praise, I’ll definitely need to tell my cousin.
Her: And watch it! It’s so funny and great.
Firecracker: We should go see it!
Me: (laughing) Ok, ok, I’ll try to get us some tickets.

Like I always say, New York City’s like a small town a lot.

Location: Janovic paints, buying new paint for my apartment.
Mood: grateful I survived another May
Music: I’ve never lived a simple life (Spotify)
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Catching lunch at the Hudson Yards

A last-minute get-together

Her: At least you can drive.
Me: Drive? I’ve been driving for 35 years.
Her: (laughing) I was barely alive when you started driving! (laughing harder) I’m dead, I’m dead.
Me: (grumble)

My brother was in town again with his new girl…

…so, the Firecracker and I met up with the two of them at Hudson Yards, along with KTO.

It was a very last minute thing since we weren’t planning on meeting up until later in the week but everyone just happened to be free that day so off we went.

Haven’t been to Hudson Yards in a while for a buncha reasons but I was looking forward to going for the first time in a long while.

We met up at Mercado Little Spain there and had some tapas, again.

I’d never been before but it was essentially the entire basement area in one of the buildings so that was surprising.

Ended up having some mussels…

…and a killer mushroom, onion, and date sammie.

Afterward, we all piled into a bus that brought everyone to another restaurant directly across the street from the Firecracker – which was totally by happenstance.

Later on that week, the Firecracker had a small celebration of her own for personal reasons and my brother and his girl came out for that.

But I’ll tell you about that tomorrow.

May’s almost over. I’m relieved.

Location: My basement, taking measurements and hoping for the best
Mood: hating today
Music: I will love you until my dying day (Spotify)
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A trip to Governors Island

A Mother’s Day trip for the Los

Her: What are your Mother’s Day plans?
Me: The usual, try to take over the world. Why?

The Firecracker was going to Governors Islandwith her kid for Mother’s Day and invited us to join them. It was supposed to be a gorgeous day and I’d never been before, so I agreed.

Sunday, I woke up earlier than usual – and also broke my fast earlier than usual – to bring the kid down Manhattan on the Greenway. Google said it would only take 30 mins so I budgeted 45 minutes for myself.

What neither Google nor I adequately factored in was just how many people would be out and about for a beautiful Sunday; trying to pass countless clueless people taking up the entirety of the pathway was trying.

By the time we got downtown, it was already 10:57 and the line seemed ginormous.

Me: The line for the ferry is ridonk. Not sure we’ll make the 11AM ferry.
Her: Uh oh. It usually leaves right on time, too.

But, we managed to get on at the tail end.

It was a gorgeous day to be on the water and out and about.

The boy’d been to Governors Island before with his sitter and some other care takers but this was my first time.

We got off the ferry and immediately hopped onto the bike to make our way to where the Firecracker was.

Because the island is so small, we were there in no time.

She and her kid had their electric scooter and we had our bike so navigating around the island was pretty easy.

It was nice watching the two of them play.

Considering how many people were there on the gorgeous holiday, it was still pretty spare compared to our normal crazy Manhattan Sundays.

She made lunch for everyone so we found a nice place to eat first before finding activities for the kiddos.

We went to Slide Hill and the kid tried out the longest slide in NYC at three stories tall!

I might have also tried it once…

That’s the kid asking, “How was that?”

Afterwards, the kids played in a place called The Yard, where no parents are allowed…

…while the Firecracker and I found a nice shady porch in one of the many abandoned buildings and just chatted.

Her: The picture of you with long hair? Fire!
Me: Yea? Maybe I’ll grow out the top and keep the sides short. Can’t do the opposite, that would be a mullet.
Her: I know what a mullet is, Lo. I’m from the South.

The kid and I explored the island a bit more…

…before we hopped the ferry back.

She took her scooter up the Greenway while I took the bike up; we lost each other because idiots kept taking up the entire lane and holding everyone back.

Everyone was so exhausted so I offered to pick up McDonalds for everyone and we just ate it at the local playground before calling it a day.

Him: That was fun. Did you have fun?
Me: Were you there?
Him: (puzzled) Yes?
Me: Then I had fun. Because I was with you.

Location: earlier today, West 72nd Street and Broadway, watching a homeless man smash a chair and trip and old lady for no apparent reason
Mood: chilly
Music: There’s a hole in my soul, can you fill it? (Spotify)
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Wanting a Bahn Mi

Been growing mushrooms

Her: I want a banh mi.
Me: I want to banh *you* right now.
Her: (laughs)

Was in the mood for Vietnamese the other day so the lady and I hit up the local joint.

I’d not eaten inside the place in years because of COVID so it was weird sitting inside at a table.

So weird what normalcy feels like these days.

We got a pork belly sandwich with two coffees. She wanted to treat so I agreed.

The coffee was great – I’ve always liked Cafe Du Monde’s Chicory Coffee, which is what some of my fave Vietnamese joints serve but it’s definitely an acquired taste.

This place had a whole wall of the stuff.

I shoulda taken a pic. Next time.

Me: God, that sandwich was so ridonk good.
Her: Do you want another one?
Me: I *want* another one but I won’t get another one. I’m 50. I gotta start trying to eat a little less.

Try, being the operative word here.

Been on a weird kick of growing my own mushrooms lately, for both health and food in general.

Mainly Lion’s Mane because (a) it has a consistency and look that’s pretty similar to lobster, which is wild, and (b) it’s been linked to good brain health, and oyster mushrooms.

As the kid gets older, I’m always thinking of ways to keep him and his brain protected.

To wit, the blue and pink oyster mushrooms are part of a science project that is both fascinating and delicious; the lion’s mane I’ve been growing myself from some I got at a local famer’s market near the gym.

The hope is that he just gets used to things in his life – like turmeric, mushrooms, and green tea – that are overall protective of his health.

Of course, he likes none of it now but the hope is that he will someday as he gets older.

Him: (makes a face) No. I don’t like it.
Me: Welp, you tried it and I appreciate that. You might like it in the future.
Him: If you say so….

Location: earlier today, chatting with my therapist at a white desk
Mood: hungry
Music: I was starving when I met you (Spotify)
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Tapas for Alison

Dinner on a roof deck

My boss, college friends, the NFL player, some of my business partners, Bryson, CoB, and some other people have all hit me up this month to meet up.

Think everyone that’s remembered the last few Mays have been concerned for my mental well-being, which is entirely understandable.

On that note, met up with the ABFF to “celebrate” Alison’s birthday.

Her: The Firecracker and her kiddo are welcome too, just let me know the head count?
Me: OK, I’ll ask. Thanks!

The Firecracker’s kid was away that day but she agreed to come, which tells you a lot about her right there.

We ended up going up to the ABFF’s roof and ordering a ton of tapas.

Alison always loved tapas – we only had it together a handful of times, although having it in Spain with her remains one of my most cherished memories, as well early in our relationship in DC.

She woulda loved everything the ABFF ordered: Tortilla Española…

…Pan con tomàte, Albondigas en Salsa, Patatas Bravas, and Croquetas.

Everyone, including the kids, seemed to like alla the food. Although one of the ABFF’s kids found out that tapas are no match for a strong gust of wind.

Her: Shoot, they didn’t give us enough napkins.
Me: Use the bread?

And so they did.

Afterwards, we played a game of charades, which Alison would definitely have gotten a kick outta.

Think this was the first time we did something like this that I didn’t have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and cry.

So, progress?

Afterward, they wrote some messages on some balloons and then set them off into the world.

Like we did last year.

That Alison was and is so loved all these years later means so much to me. I’m glad that the kid sees that he comes from a mom so loved by so many.

The Firecracker was really great with the kid and everyone else.

Afterward, the kid mentioned that he had a really good time.

Boy: (in bed) I think mommy would have liked everything.
Me: (nodding) Yeah, kid. She absolutely would have. 

Location: Govenor’s Island, wondering what I should eat
Mood: exhausted
Music: I’m trying to forget some things you can’t change (Spotify)
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Dear Alison…you would have been 44 today

You’re the girl I’ve always loved, that’s all I know.

Him: Was mommy sad?
Me: (long pause, sigh) She was sad she had to leave me, but heartbroken that she had to leave you. She cried for an entire day.
Him: How did…
Me: (interrupting) I’m sorry, kiddo. I…I can’t talk about it for so long just yet. Is that OK?
Him: (nodding) That’s ok, papa. It’s ok. (gives me a hug)

Hi, Pretty Lady!

You would be 44 this year. That blows my mind.

Instead, you’re forever young.

I’m getting older – with a LOT more grey in my hair.

Only you would have noticed, though. I’ve been shaving a lot more because that salt-and-pepper beard of mine you used to love is essentially mostly salt these days.

I’m ever so vain. You’d probably say, “That’s my old man!”

And I would pretend to be offended but secretly amused because I knew you loved me.

The boy’s just amazing. He’s everything we ever dreamed of and so much more.

Can’t tell you how many times a day I wish you were here to hear him say something hilarious or sing something beautifully. Or see his perfect handwriting (obviously, he got that from you and not me).

He’s been asking questions about you. I’m always at a loss as to what to say. For years, I’ve told him I’d tell him about you, “someday.”

But, that’s not fair. So, I suck it up and try my best to tell him about you for as long as I can bear.

I’m able to last a bit longer each year.

Each year, it gets a little better. Not because I love you any less, but because I accept this bullshit that is my life and our situation all that much more.

For now, I often just tell him that, She’s the girl I’ve always loved, that’s all I know.

It’s Mother’s Day on Sunday.

The boy made you a gift but says he’ll give it to your mom instead because you loved her so much. He does too.

But it a special kinda painful that your birthday, Mother’s Day, and the day you died are all within two weeks of each other.

It’s a special kinda fucked-up but, then again, this whole situation is a special kinda fucked-up, which is on-brand for us.

I was going to write so much more but, like when I talk about you to the boy, I just don’t have the stamina for it yet.

I’m so grateful for the gift you gave me of the boy, honey. He’s just perfect and I am humbled every day to have your treasure to love.

I’ll be better next year, promise.

Always,

The Hubs

Location: buying him a slice of pizza at 4:58PM on Amsterdam
Mood: crushed
Music: Feels like a million miles away, I still see signs of home (Spotify)
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