Comings and goings

Bad idea to be friends

The insomnia lasted three days. Which, let’s face it, is better than having a whole month of it, like August.


A buddy of mine sent me this article, probably because she thinks it’s a bad idea for me to try to be friends with the Gymgirl.

I get that. I’m actually not friends – on social media or otherwise – with anyone I’ve dated seriously. (Anyone else, rather). After all, we ended for a reason and the negatives of staying friends probably outweighs the positives.

Having said that, I am friends with about 1/3 of the people I dated (very) casually.

Plus, I’ve got a number of people I’ve met throughout the years that are of the opposite sex and we just kept in touch for one reason or another.

I recently reconnected with my old LJ friend Seemore and we caught up the other day. Pretty crazy how our lives unfolded.

And I just found out that the 18 year-old Italian I met on an airplane is getting married. It makes me happier than you might imagine that she found me and stayed friends.

Finally, just recently at a train station, I ran into the other Italian that I went with to Roosevelt Island all those years ago.

Her: Logan!
Me: (turning) Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you moved away for school?
Her: I did – I’m back.
Me: Do you live in the Upper West Side now?
Her: Yup, we’re neighbors! If you’re going downtown right now, let’s catch up.

Funny, who stays and who leaves your venn diagram. And who shows up again.

Turning back to the topic of dating, one of my biggest hangups is that I assume I’m just just going to end up meeting one laco-ovo-vegetarian after another, no matter what I do.

Him: How many laco-ovo-vegetarians did you date?
Me: Put it this way: If you put me in a room with 100 single women, I’ll end up with either the only 23 year-old laco-ovo-vegetarian or the lesbian from the group.

When I was dating the Gymgirl, I picked up two people, just to see if I could. Told her about it.

In hindsight, I’m kicking myself for not asking if they were laco-ovo-vegetarians or not.

Him: (laughing) Why does that matter?
Me: (joking) I wanna know what’s in store for me after all these years. God, if I keep meeting 23 year-olds again, I’m gonna shoot myself.

Location: this weekend, in an Italian restaurant with my favourite two people. Italians are a recurring theme in my life, evidently.
Mood: thinking
Music: each morning I get up, I die a little
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A lie is the truth, until

Giving and getting dating advice

JF1: Welp, I just ended things with the guy I’m seeing too. Heartbroken and disappointed again.

I think because I’m recently single, people are reaching out to me (a) to check in on me and (b) to relate their own dating issues.

A girl from my past – she’s been in the blog before but I’m renaming her JF1 –  just dropped me a line because almost exactly what happened to me with my last major girlfriend before Alison, happened to her. And she handled it the same way I did – better, even.

Dunno how much I can tell you, since it’s not my story to tell. I will say that little impresses me more than true bravery.

Cause she decided she’d rather be alone than be anyone’s second choice – and she’s a tall drink of water, so that guy’s an idiot.

There’s something about someone that stands up and is honest and brave, come what may.

It’s actually why I fell so hard for Alison; you get points in life for being brave. Alison was the bravest person I’ve ever met. Still is.

Just like everything valuable, bravery’s valuable cause it’s rare and difficult to find.

Me: You just walked out and bought a plane ticket that moment? Balls! Wow. Legit, impressed. You’re a rockstar.

Her: Yeah. I (packed my stuff), left him a note, and left.

Other friends are asking me for advice about their love life.

Find this amusing cause I’m great at having people enter my Venn Diagram. Having them stay is a wholly different matter.

Him: Hey, one last question, since I have you.
Me: Sure, hit me.
Him: What do you think about someone who’s life’s motto is: “A lie is truth, until it is uncovered and labeled as a lie.” Thoughts?
Me: (thinking, slowly) I think that when someone tells you what they’re all about, you should believe them. Even more if they show you…
Him: Smart. Super smart.
Me: I’m not just a pretty face, man.
Him: Oh, I’ve known that since the moment we made eye contact.
Me: Thanks…wait…(you heard I said “just” right)?

Got more time to write so I’ll write more later/tonight/soon.

If I can clear my head. Insomnia is a special form of torture.

1834.08.04, in case you were wondering.

Location: coming back from the world. I prefer being in my head
Mood: dull and vicious
Music: I’m a sucker for the way that you move, babe
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Some encouraging emails

Every once in a while, I think I’m on a good track

2013-04-21 20.23.23

Got two bits of reader mail last month – one from England, no less – for my dating books, both from women, which I find interesting since I was worried that most of my readers would be men.

Really made my day.

————

Hey Logan,

I read both of your books, A Great Online Dating Profile and A Great First Date in the beginning of the year. In taking into consideration some of the suggestions, I tinkered with the online profile and reduced content where it made sense.

It seems that the quality of guys in contact have gone up, and while I can’t say there is a happily ever after (Logan: Yet!), I’m definitely enjoying the attention that’s come my way!

Thanks for putting yourself out there – please know your efforts in writing have changed some of our lives for the better! Happy Holidays!

All the best,
Josephine
A Great First Date, early 2014

Mr. Lo;

[After going through your tips] I have avoided all the usual ghastly intro lines, which on Match is the first bit you see when you scroll through the list of profiles, but I know it could be better.

After one week’s membership I have four dates arranged for next week, have been favourited 40 times, and messaged, and (been) visited countless times.

Thanks for writing your books, I bought both!

Cheers!

Alexandra

How to write a great online dating profile

A Great Online Dating Profile is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and the Apple store for $0.99.

A Great First Date is also available on AmazonBN.com, and the Apple Store.

Location: 8AM, hardware store
Mood: proud
Music: the story needs some mending and a better happy ending, cause I don’t want the next best thing
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Mussels at Bistro Citron

Taking off our comfortable selves for a night

Bistro Citron in the UWS

Her: We should go on a date.
Me: OK.

It’s funny, when two people are actually dating, there’s some excitement as we prep that version of ourselves. But after you get married, you both see less and less of that version of the other person. That’s just how it goes.

So every once in a while, you have to make plans to dust off that version of yourself.

Me: (looking at wife) Whoa, hello there pretty lady…
Her: It feels nice to get dressed up once in a while.

Burger at Bistro Citron in the UWS

We went to a place called Bistro Citron around the way that got great Yelp reviews. We ordered the mussels, a medium rare burger for me, and a Frisée Salad with Lardons and Poached Eggs for her.

We got the mussels first and, I’m no slouch when it comes to eating, but the mussels did me in. The serving size was ginormous.

Me: I don’t know if I can finish that.
Her: Really?!

We tend to eat early to have the joint to ourselves. It was like we were dating again.

A few drinks later and we were on our way home and back in our comfortable faces and our comfortable clothes within the hour.

Her: We need to do this more often.
Me: I would go back tomorrow.

Mussels at Bistro Citron in the UWS

Location: off to wrassle
Mood: nostalgic
Music: These old wings just gotta be good for something
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A Great Online Dating Profile

Writing a great online dating profile

How to write a great online dating profile
In another bout of insomnia vs Logan – where insomnia won, as per use – I took all my posts about writing online dating profiles, cleaned them up, and updated them. Added a section on astrology if you want to know how compatible aries and scorpio are , or are not!?

Then, with the help of my wife and brother, made it into an ebook called A Great Online Dating Profile – with a snazzy new cover – and put it up on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and the iTunes store for $0.99.

BUT, if you like reading PDFs, you can actually get a copy for free by clicking here and entering your email address.

It’s pretty well-researched, if I do say so myself, and has some interesting things I didn’t know when I was actively dating, such as the one word you can put into your profile to increase your response rate by 31%.

31%!

Now if you want to support by buying a $0.99 copy for whatever ebook reader you’re using, I’m not gonna stop you – but otherwise, it’s free.

I also dropped the price of my book on first dates to $2.99, just as an FYI.

A Great First Date, early 2014As with A Great Online Dating Profile, it’s available on AmazonBN.com, and the Apple Store.

OK, end shilling; back to the regular nonsense next week.

 

Location: at my desk, listening to the rain
Mood: writer-y
Music: walked home in the rain because a person can not lie
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2014’s barely begun

Already back to the grind

Found out that the woman that got injured in the last entry is back from the hospital. Gonna stop by her apartment building to ask the people there how’s she’s doing.

Evidently, she had her skull cracked open (!) so I don’t know if she’s going to need physical therapy or what.

That’s the thing about life, horrible things just suddenly happen while you’re minding your own business. It’s a scary thought that your life can change so quickly and so suddenly.

———–

Her: (pointing to my hand) What is that?
Me: It’s that gross Chai tea. I don’t want it to go to waste so I’m just gonna drink…
Her: (slapping teabag from my hand, lands on the floor)

This was our sixth New Year’s together.

Our first new year’s was a whole production with dinner out and such. This last one, we were in bed by 11 and watching the ball drop on the tube by our lonesome.

I suppose that’s how it is; after a while, just being comfortable with your favourite person beats everything else.

Finally wrapped up a set of client-related work so I decided to spend the new year downtime re-grouting, re-caulking, and re-painting our bathroom, assembling a headboard, and fixing up the blog – you like the new look?

And then those same clients called me back for a slate of new work.

So the past week has been insanely hectic. I’m covered in grout dust and paint while running into the office and/or in front of my laptop working on these huge projects, one of which is in the papers.

In between, I’m wrapping up a book I wrote called A Great First Date, which is all about how to go on a first date in this postmodern social media/texting/Tinder world.

It’s out on Valentine’s Day this year so I’ll let you know more about it when we get closer. Sign up for updates above in “Subscribe for Notifications” for more details

I’d tell you more, but I’m off to wrassle for my New Year’s resolution.

So many projects and so few lunch hours and coffee breaks in which to do them.

Location: at the end of a project, ready for another
Mood: crazy busy, yo
Music: Dying is easy It’s living that scares me to death
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And in the “I knew it!” file…

Study shows that people that meet online are less likely to get divorced


A recent study came out that showed that:

  1. more than a third of people that marry met online, and
  2. are less likely to divorce.

This makes sense to me. As I said before, online dating is like having an aunt named Aunt eMatch saying, “I’ve got a girl I think you might like – and here’s her resume, a buncha pics, and a writing sample.”

While I didn’t meet my wife online, she represents exactly what I was looking for. And I’d been looking for her for a while. After all, we’re always looking for our people.

On a related point, because of a number of reasons, I have a good deal of twenty-something friends on FB. I’m always slightly amused and nauseated at how much the profess their undying love to each other, then have an online spat, and then sign on again to write egregiously bad poetry about soulmates.

Heard a joke once where someone said something like, Your soulmate is the guy that had the locker next to you in high school? What are the chances?!

Dating is tiring and depressing with occasionally bright spots of hope – mainly because it’s a constant stream of being disappointed and disappointing others. But just like anything of value, if it were easy, it wouldn’t be valuable.

The difficult and rare things are valuable.

I think a large part of divorces happen because either (a) someone wanted it easy, and/or (b) there wasn’t enough connection to begin with.

There’s no such thing as a soulmate. There is such thing as a lotta hard work and having enough in common to begin with.

Inadvertent comedy doesn’t hurt either.

Me: (entering room) Are you ok?
Her: I just accidentally typed in Wetflix instead of Netflix. (pause) I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

Location: about to run to an office in shorts and a tee-shirt
Mood: contented
Music: It’s still hard to wait around. The problem is this seems so easy to miss
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Asian Males and White Females

I dunno, it’s just something I do

 

There’s this sword movement done where a block is performed with the spine of the blade and the sword then rolls into a slash. It’s really cool looking and possibly one of the most beautiful sword movements that exists.

I noticed it years ago with another fencer and asked him what it was. He looked at me, puzzled. And said, I dunno, it’s just something I do. For him, it was nothing special, just part of his makeup.

I’ve alluded to this in the past, such as when people are extraordinarily proud to be Irish, or Chinese, or what have you. For most of us, myself included, being Chinese is simply something I am.

Having said this, since my wife and I got married, we do notice that there are few couples like us: Asian male and White female (AMWF). In fact when we’re out and about, we invariably remark to each other when we notice another couple like us.

I bring all of this up because I was in court yesterday kiling time and I came across this blog entry called Why Aren’t We Talking More About The Rarity of AMWF? – and it really made me think.

While it should be noted that the writer is a Caucasian writer living in China (very cool), it’s just as true here in the States, I think.

Regarding my own experiences, there are many friends I have now that I’ve only recently met. And the funny thing is that the version of me they know is not the version I actually think I am in my head.

In college, I dated a Korean girl for years. In law school, it was a Chinese med student. Then I dated a hapa. Then I just dated.

There’s a running joke with some of my friends from 2008 onward that I only dated Caucasians. Which my older friends would find funny because they thought I only dated Asians.

And yet neither is true. I dated whomever I liked.

This version of me is only the part they know. Had an argument with a dolt I met online via FB who immediately labeled me as a self-hating Chinese man, which only made me roll my eyes and move on with my life.

After all, I’m not another person’s opinion of what I am. I am, simply, what I am.

Getting back to the  questions posed: Why are there so few Asian male, Caucasian female combinations?

I’m not sure.

Out and about, I was frequently the first and only Asian person many non-Asians dated. There were two common things they said. Either:

Regarding point one, a good deal of that has to do with exposure IMHO. If they don’t know any Asian men well, there’s no one to whom to be attracted.

As for point two, many of my male friends are:

  1. more strongly attracted to Asian females,
  2. more comfortable dating Asian female, or
  3. assuming that point one above is definitive – Non-Asian women are not attracted to Asian men.

I’ve never found number 3 to be true but this is just anecdotal to me and all of this is just my opinion.

I’m not really sure why I didn’t really think about it all that much while I was dating, mainly because – for me – it’s just something I did.

What do you think?

A Great Online Dating ProfileIf you liked this entry, I recently wrote an April 2014 book on how to write  A Great Online Dating Profile with 30 tips to get noticed and get more responses – it’s just $0.99 at Amazon, BN.com, and the Apple Store, as well as most other online retailers:

I also wrote a book about first dates with information I just haven’t seen in other books that I learned from three solid years of dating in NYC.

A Great First Date, early 2014It’s just $2.99 at at Amazon, BN.com, and the Apple Store.

 

Location: not in court
Mood: analytical
Music: Paris to China to Colorado
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10 Tips on how to write a good Match, OK Cupid, or POF dating profile: Part 2 – Women

What makes a good online dating profile for women?

A dating profileRead below for the updated and expanded A Great Online Dating Profile.

———

When I walk into a McDonalds, there is a baseline understanding: I expect there to be a cashier to take my order and the cashier expects that I want some form of food or food-like product.

Try going into a McDonalds one day and asking for a bag of hammers.

Without this baseline, (“I will order a food-like product, you will take my order for a food-like product”) there’s no meaningful result.

I have three beliefs I need you to accept before I give you any advice.

The first is that I’m actually qualified to give you advice. Click here for details.

The second is that: Communication isn’t what the speaker says, it’s what the listener hears.

As for the third baseline belief, well that also happens to be Tip 1:

1. Understand your audience OR Men like pictures

Studies have shown that men respond to visual information while women respond to verbal information. This means that your profile should be picture heavy. If it is, you’ll have a much easier time than if it’s not.

Now you can put your own value judgment onto this (“That’s so unfair,” “That’s not right,” etc) or you can accept it the way you accept death and taxes. It is what it is.

This tip is number one because it’s the most important thing and everything else in this post will flow from that. If you don’t accept it, there’s no need to read further.

If you do, we’re in business. The next three tips are variations of Tip 1 but each deserves it’s own space.

2. A picture is worth a thousand words

“Wait, that’s a cliche, not a tip!”

It’s actually both.

The most common complaint I hear against online dating is that women feel men use it to casually date or get a one-night stand. But pictures communicate a lot. A half dozen pics of you in clubs and bars communicates a different message than a half dozen pics of you making cakes.

It’s not what you intend, I understand, but again, communication is not what you say, it’s what the other side hears.

That picture above is an actual type of pic I saw online once. It was only up for a week and then gone. I can only assume it was up and down so fast because her email inbox exploded with interest.

Everyone writes: I’m fun, I love to laugh, I’m the creative type.

But look at that pic above. It says all of that without a single word. It’s actually four pics in one.

And the four pics say what I’m trying to say better than 4,000 words would say.

3. Pick up some basic (basic) photography skills OR The flash is not your friend

With the amount of free Youtube videos and webpages out there, there really is no excuse for not knowing simple things like the rule of thirds and depth of field.

If nothing else, don’t:

  • take a picture with a flash because flash makes everyone look bad – try taking daytime shots or pictures without a flash
  • take a self-portrait picture by either taking a picture in the mirror or with an outstretched hand.

On that second note, let’s talk about what’s actually being communicated – again, not what you mean to convey, but what information the viewer actually receives:

  • I don’t have a friend I trust to take a picture of me.
  • I don’t know how to use the timer function on my camera.
  • I take pictures of me because others don’t take pictures of me.

A dating profileLook at the size of my head! I tell people because it’s fulla brain but really, whoa! Keep in mind, this is what you’ll look like too if you do a self-portrait this way. BTW, I took this picture the last, last time I was in the hospital.

4. Your friends are your friends

So ask them why you should be someone’s girl. They may tell you things that you never would have thought of.

5. Write less, say more

Do you remember that Friends episode where Ross cheats on Rachel and then Rachel writes a long letter to him? Even though Ross was in the wrong, and he loved her, and he was heartbroken, he *still* could not get through the whole letter.

Why? See Tip 1.

So write less but say more. Note that this is different than “say less.” You can convey volumes in just a few words.

Consider:

  • Hemingway’s six word story, “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”
  • Alan Moore’s six word story, “machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time”

Or the famous <55 word Bedtime Story by Jeffrey Whitmore

“Careful, honey, it’s loaded,” he said, reentering the bedroom.
Her back rested against the headboard. “This for your wife?”
“No. Too chancy. I’m hiring a professional.”
“How about me?”
He smirked. “Cute. But who’d be dumb enough to hire a lady hit man?”
She wet her lips, sighting along the barrel.“Your wife.”

Say more. Write less.

6. When you do say something, let it be real OR The “Well, who doesn’t?” test

If you can answer something you write with the words, “Well who doesn’t?” don’t put it in.

  • I like relaxing.
  • I like hanging out with my friends.

Try something like, “You’ll have to put up with my best friend Sandy who likes to randomly show up with bottles of rum and a sad story. After all, I do.”

The above fails the WWD test, so it can stay in a profile. Added bonus: What else does the statement communicate? You have cool friends. You can pound rum. You listen. etc.

7. Don’t state the obvious

If you look at the first part of this series: 10 Tips on how to write a good Match, OK Cupid, or POF dating profile: Part 1- Men you’ll see that I tell people to search for their own sex first (Tip 1) and then write a line as to what they are not looking for (Tip 7).

Regarding the former, don’t write, “I can’t believe I’m on a dating site!” or “I never thought I’d be doing this but here goes.” – go through some women’s profiles and tick off how many times you see that.

As a related topic, don’t repeat yourself. Say what you mean to say, have it be real and non-obvious, and move on.

Now, regarding the latter…

8. Don’t complain

Most women’s profiles put up dozens of lines of what they think they don’t want. Here’s the thing:

Women People have no idea what they actually want.

That’s why Steve Jobs famously never used marketing surveys.

It’s hard for [people] to tell you what they want when they’ve never seen anything remotely like it. Take desktop video editing. I never got one request from someone who wanted to edit movies on his computer. Yet now that people see it, they say, ‘Oh my God, that’s great!’

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been out and about where some girl says to me, I never dated a Chinese guy before. And my response was always, “That’s too bad, we’re lovely.” But in my head I thought, “You never met a guy like me.”

On the reverse, spent the entirety of my teens and 20s thinking I wanted a nice Asian girl and ended up marrying an Irish-Italian. Don’t cut out the guy you think you don’t want unless you are absolutely sure based on actual experience.

9. Music is not a hobby

Nor is watching television. These are not hobbies. These are passive activities; a hobby requires active mental and physical engagement.

A hobby is like mixed-martial arts, pottery-making, improv, etc.

If you don’t have any, get some. You’ll find that if you do interesting things, you’ll be more interesting. And people like “interesting.”

10. Put in an Easter Egg
If you actually follow these tips, you may end up like my friend Casey who put up her profile and then had to immediately take it down because of the deluge of emails.

If that’s the case, ignore 7 and slip in an Easter Egg, which is something that shows the guy took the time to read what you did write – especially since, after reading this amazing list of tips, what your wrote is devoid of fluff.

Things I like are:

  • If you think this is all interesting, please include your favourite coffeehouse in Manhattan in the subject line.
  • Please respond with your favourite Tupac line as the subject.
  • Please respond with your preference: butter or cream frosting.

Something simple and fun. Because dating should be simple and fun, yeah?

Far Side cartoon - obviously not my copyrightIf you liked this entry, I just wrote a quick little book in April 2014 on how to write A Great Online Dating Profile with 30 tips to get noticed and get more responses – it’s just $0.99 at Amazon, BN.com, and the Apple Store, as well as most other online retailers::

A Great Online Dating ProfileI also wrote a book about first dates with information I just haven’t seen in other books that I learned from three solid years of dating in NYC.

A Great First Date, early 2014It’s just $2.99 at at Amazon, BN.com, and the Apple Store.

  • You can also read the first 25% of it online now by clicking here!
  • Click on the Dating tag to see how my dating life went – the earlier stories are the more entertaining ones, IMHO. You can also click here to find out what finally happened to me.
  • Check out the comments to reach other people’s thoughts on these sites (and maybe leave a thought of your own).
  • Check out my previous post: Online dating: eHarmony vs. Match vs. Plenty of Fish vs. OK Cupid.
  • Also check out 15 Things Every Man Should Know.
  • Check out the comments to read other people’s thoughts on these sites (and maybe leave a thought of your own).
  • Finally, click here to subscribe to this blog OR follow me on Twitter: @logan607

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Attraction is not a choice

You can’t choose who you find attractive

I’m honestly not trying to be controversial to get readers but it is interesting to note that my last post and some of the ones before that have garnered more comments and emails than usual.

This fella named David DeAngelo is a fairly well-known pickup artist that once said that Attraction isn’t a choice. I think know that this is true.

And of course someone will mention pedophilia and incest but both are different scenarios – in the former, it’s not between two two consenting adults and in the latter, there’re biological implications on top of the societal and legal ones.

Got another email from a female friend who tells me that she has a guy buddy she hangs out with all the time and they share a lot in common – she’s just not attracted to him.

I hear that story a million times from both men and women. People often find themselves in the friend zone where the other party goes, I don’t know why, I’m just not attracted to him/her.

It’s because you have little to no say in the matter. Either you are or are not attracted to another person and there’s little you can do about it.

However, I did get one comment in my last post where my very loyal reader Paolina (who has an amazing photography blog) wrote:

Dating someone from a different race/nationality is completely different from dating someone from a different age range. On a very shallow perspective, what do you think of a 60 year man dating a 20 year old? I’m sure that thought would’ve touched a nerve on a lot of women. Most of us would’ve probably thought you were a dirty, old man trying to score an clueless, immature chick or something to that effect. But again, nobody knows the whole story and as mentioned, it is none of our business. I always say, whatever floats your boat, buddy

OK, I have to admit that that has merit.

However, the girl is an adult in that situation and telling her that she’s doing something stupid – which she probably is – is indeed her own adult choice.

And what is life if not making our stupid choices and living them. The other thing is that there should be someone in her venn diagram that does know her and know the situation that can and should tell her what’s what.

All education is expensive. Some far more than others.

———-

For those of you that never click the comments – or leave comments (damn you all) I do get some of the best ones.

For my reader Paul, I hope you don’t mind that I put this up – tell me if you do.

He commented about my poor hair and clothing choices by saying: First off, you had excellent hair and clothing choices. I know.

Here’s my pic from that older entry 17 Again.

Here’s his pic.

That literally made me laugh out loud.

And this is just one of a million reasons why I can never run for president.

Location: behind a deadline and running to catch it
Mood: guess what? crazy busy
Music: crossed the sea to find a brother
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