Month: August 2022

Categories
personal

You want some Yellowfin Tuna?

OK, steel it

The Counselor dropped me a line outta the blue and we had a relatively nice conversation, which I’ll just keep to myself.

She may be the only woman in NYC that hasn’t told me to go fuck myself.

Then again, it’s early in the week, yet.

My buddy Steel hit me up too.

Him: Can you come by and pick up some yellowtail tomorrow?
Me: Heck yeah!

The last time he gave me fish from one of his massive fishing trips was almost a decade ago. Still remember it well; it was right around my old gym.

Me: Waking up at two am to go out in the middle of the ocean in a small boat? That’s like my nightmare. Then again…tuna!

I had a wife and no kid then. And I was hanging out with a completely different set of people.

It’s like that was a different me altogether.

Same for him.

This time he went fishing with a couple of dot com millionaires and his chief surgeon brother. They dropped six figures for the two-day trip.

Him: Yeah, they had serious fuck-you money. This bottle of wine was $1,200 and we had three of them.
Me: Dammit, why can’t we have fuck-you money?
Him: We became lawyers.
Me: Man, that was dumb. Well, at least we hang out with people that have fuck-you money.

Like I said, we’re the average of the five people we hang out with the most. There was a time I made it a point to be the least successful outta the people I hung out with.

Been reassessing what I’ve been doing with my time and with whom. I feel like I’ve been sleepwalking through the last couplea years.

Anywho, they ended up catching THREE yellow-fin tunas; he caught the 65 pound one.

This is him with it; I should note that he’s six-foot-two and looks like Clark Kent so this fish was massive.

We went out drinking and eating in his hood. I chatted up the Irish waitress who had this really cool brogue.

Me: You know, my son’s part Irish. I should bring him by here to hear what his people sound like.
Her: You should, sweetie!

She then asked if we had lost a sandal.

Who walks outta a bar missing a sandal? NYC’s a strange town.

Sorry so blurry. We had been drinking for a while and that dude pounds.

Steel just bought an apartment in a brand new building on the UES and we walked by it. It was gorgeous.

Me: OK, I need you to do me a solid. If I ever have a date around here, I’m gonna bring her by, tell her this is my pad, and you and the fam have gotta jet.
Him: (laughing) Sure.

Not (necessarily) his pad, but you get the idea.

He ended up giving me like six pounds of tuna or so, which I tried my best to do justice to.

This was attempt number two. Man…you don’t wanna see attempt number one.

My dad used to make me sashimi/sushi all the time. Since I was a little kid.

Was always embarrassed that I had to eat raw fish when my friends got to have pizza. What a dumb kid I was.

Steel and Bryson were amongst the last of my friends to ever have seen him. I’m glad it was them.

I’ll tell you about that someday.

I wish I learned how to make sushi from him. I wish I did a lotta things with him but we ran outta time.

Shit. When you love someone, there’s never enough goddamn fucking time.

I miss him terribly.

Location: earlier this week, someplace called “the Upper East Side”
Mood: on high alert
Music: bring back the water, let your ships roll in (Spotify)
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personal

Punching air

All is right, once again

My son’s been wanting two things lately: (1) To head out to the parks with me and (2) to have a shwarama.

We recently accomplished both after his last day of Chinese Summer Camp.

While he’s generally pretty hilarious, it’s always hit…

Him: You know the old saying, “If you can’t beat em, join em?”
Me: I’m familiar with the phrase.
Him: Well, in [a book I’m reading] they say, “If you can’t join em, beat em!” Get it? (punches the air) With your fists!
Me: (laughing) Valid.

…or miss…

Him: What kind of pig doesn’t like mud?
Me: I dunno. What kind of pig doesn’t like mud?
Him: The doesn’t like mud-kind!
Me: (slowly) That’s not a good joke.
Him: (sighing) I know.

…when it comes to his jokes.

The purpose of this blog was never meant to hurt anyone. It was just a place for me to put my honest thoughts. Unfortunately, it’s a little too late to be anonymous so I continue.

Still, I’m trying to be mindful that, when I tell my story, I end up telling parts of other people’s stories as well. Dunno if there’s a way to remedy that.

I try to keep information as broad and non-identifiable as possible and even try to further obfuscate things where I can.

On a related note, the woman that didn’t tell me to fuck off, has since changed her mind.

Me: You equate apologizing with being subservient. That’s not healthy.
Her: You are right, Logan. And now kindly fuck off.

Honestly, at this point, I’m finding it hard to care about another person’s mental cockroaches. Our lives are self-proving things and another person’s opinion of me is none of my business.

Told you once that I found kindness to be the most attractive quality about a person. The flip is true as well. Unkindness is the biggest turnoff for a fella like me.

So, all is right with the world once again.

Location: earlier today, getting four pounds of yellowtail tuna from Steel on the UES
Mood: completely sotted
Music: Love me or hate me, it’s still an obsession (Spotify)
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personal

Five years

Don’t you steal it

It’s been five years since my dad died. I’d forgotten, actually, until my sister reminded me.

Being able to forget is a good thing, I think. It hurts a lot less this year than before, because I can see that he lived a good long life, saw his kids get older, and got to meet his grandchildren before he died.

I’ll tell you more stories about him, someday.

Because he lived a life worth living. I loved him and always will.

On completely different note, Chad got injured so I’m going to end up covering three classes this week, including probably our busiest one.

I’m fine with teaching/public speaking, as you know, but the timing’s not the best.

My phone’s been ringing off the hook with work. I can’t possibly take all the work that’s been coming my way but, like I said, it’s nice to know that I’m still valued for my usefulness.

Although I do think I offer some entertainment here and there.

Me: Did you know, every nation on earth wrestles and has a dumpling? So, here’s my idea, a dumpling restaurant where you can pick a nation’s dumplings and then, before or after, wrestle in that nation’s style.
Guy 1: Wait, what about pairings?
Guy 2: Yeah, can you mix and match?
Me: Of course, this is still America.
Guy 3: That’s a cool idea.
Me: Don’t you steal it!

My son’s explaining traffic patterns to me in that pic above.

My dad woulda loved to see how smart and funny this kid is.

Location: earlier today, explaining how to strangle more efficiently
Mood: resigned
Music: That’s how you walk on a tightrope (Spotify)
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personal

I was incandescent

Belonging to someone

My brother, and another friend, once remarked that a lotta the people we’ve casually dated are still friendly with us and I asked him why he thought that was.

Him: (shrugging) We’re useful.

As always, he’s right. He and I have alla these explicit skills (lawyer/doctor) plus rando skills that are useful.

Plus, we both like helping people.

On that note, another woman from my past reached out to me for my legal opinion on something.

Gotta say, it was one of the more interesting legal scenarios I’ve come across…

Me: Whoa! That’s…insane.
Her: I was incandescent.
Me: I have to write that down.

…and I gave her my opinion…

Me: You do know why they did this, don’t you?
Her: Why?
Me: Because they thought they could get away with it. Don’t let them.
Her: But, what’s the upside for me?
Me: Cash money, yo. Plus, you’re stopping them.

…and that was that.

We then caught up because it’s been a while since we chatted.

She’s on the dating apps but she also gets so many inquiries that she ends up just not opening the app because they give her stress.

Me: Man, women’s and men’s dating problems are so different.
Her: I think I’m just going to stop altogether.
Me: (shrugging) I dunno, you might meet a gem like me.
Her: (incredulous) I have so many thoughts, I don’t know which one to go for. I need a drink.
Me: I can get behind that. Let’s do it.

We ended up chatting for a while.

Her: What about you?
Me: (laughing) Well, I just recently went on a date and called her by an ex’s name, so, yeah, it’s going great. What about you?
Her: I have over 1,000 messages on one app. It just stresses me out.
Me: You need a dating manager to handle alla that for you.

Somehow, we got onto the topic of the two of us, which was uncomfortable because there were so many layers to it.

And, she actually said to me what Alison said to me on our first date.

Her: (sighing) Oh, Logan. You’re so dumb.

Ended up cutting off the conversation early because of that and for other personal reasons that are unimportant here.

But she wrote me afterward to tell me that all was ok, which I appreciated.

Relationships are hard, even when they’re great. Add on things like trauma and such and it’s just a mess.

I wish I was her person. I wish I was a lotta people’s…person. But, I suppose I’m still looking for something I can’t put into words.

It drove Caligirl nuts when I used to say that to her; she thought I was making it up. But it’s always been true for me.

Still, it’s a bit different now. See, I used to belong to someone.

And then I thought maybe I belonged to someone else, but – it turned out – she didn’t belong to me.

And I miss belonging to someone that belongs to me.

I’m a guard without enough people I love to guard. And one that failed his last charge.

Location: the basement of my brain again
Mood: searching
Music: save me from my brain (Spotify)
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personal

Only one me

Getting it right

Years ago, I had a young blonde in my apartment and we ordered some food. We’re actually still FB friends, which I find sweet, but that’s neither here nor there.

In any case, I gave her the only bowl and utensils I had and I used the plastic stuff the food came with.

Her: Wait, you only have one bowl?
Me: (shrugging) I only have one me.

It was because my ex took everything else and I hadn’t yet gotten around to replacing it all yet.

Fast forward some 14 years later and I’m watching Hawkeye with someone else and we get to this scene:

Me: I said almost that exact same thing years ago!
Her: Really? No…
Me: It’s true. And I have receipts. But, I’ll show them to you some other time.

In some ways, that’s why it’s so odd for me to be a single father – I always either had someone in my life as a romantic partner or I was completely alone.

I never, ever – in a million years – imagined I’d be raising a kid all by my lonesome. It’s that whole imposter syndrome thing.

I’ve had some jaw-dropping success in my life as well as some truly shocking failures.

I hope – more than anything – that I get this one thing right, and it’s part of the former.

Editors note: In that entry above (and here), I’d just come back from Baltimore and my ex, whom I lived with, moved out while I was away and took everything – the bed, the utensils, all the plates and cups…AND the shower curtain.

I still remember sitting in my completely empty apartment and wondering if this was the lowest point of my life.

God, I was so young and dumb back then. I had no idea how much more down life could go.

She left me the couch, the TV, the microwave, a spatula, one cup, one plate, and a handful of random takeout items.

Took a video of it and posted it on a site that long since disappeared – and so did all my videos.

Shame, it was a hilarious video. That whole moment, in hindsight, was hilarious.

I had no idea how much more down life could go before rock-bottom.

Man, still can’t believe she didn’t leave me the shower curtain…

I get a lotta flak for this blog and I often toy with the idea of just stopping. That’s part of why I took a week off not that long ago.

On the one hand, I do wonder who, if anyone, read this. But then something like that Hawkeye scene happens and I’m glad I have it.

Or someone writes me something heartfelt and sweet, like Suz did recently, or someone from my gym class surprises me and tells me that she’s a reader.

Her: Logan, your last blog entry was so good. I thought I was going to cry.
Me: Wait, you read my blog?
Her: (shrugging) Yeah. You write so well.
Me: Oh man, thanks. I was just thinking about stopping…
Her: Don’t. It’s honest. It’s so honest. People like the honesty.

So, I continue to put things out into the aether, and hope that someone gets something from it besides just me.

Location: yesterday, downtown, telling a pretty girl to aim for my head
Mood: so busy
Music: I’m getting older with every memory I make (Spotify)
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personal

The time I went to all-you-can-eat seafood

A night at the Crab House

Been wanting to head to Crab House here in NYC for ages but haven’t been able to because you need a minimum of four people for a reservation there.

It’s always tough organizing other people’s schedule – plus, I have such little patience for that.

It was almost exactly two years ago that I had this much seafood.

But, I was finally able to get three other people’s schedule – Thor, Pac, and Panda – aligned for us to make it happen so earlier this week, I finally got some unlimited seafood action.

It was pretty glorious.

Pac did most of the ordering because he’d been there a few times before.

Everything was pretty killer.

Gotta admit that I was, shockingly, the first one to tap out.

Him: You’re so weak!
Me: I am, I am…

Although, I do feel I ate as much as everyone else, I just shoveled more food into my pie hole earlier and stopped earlier.

That’s what I’m telling myself anywho.

Me: Do your mai tais come with an umbrella?
Waitress: No, I’m sorry.
Me: Shame. I really need to start carrying some around with me.

Panda went home first so the rest of us stopped by a bar for some more drinks.

Me: Do you make a good old fashioned?
Her: (laughing) I make a great old fashioned. How do you want it?
Me: With rye, not terribly sweet, please.

Pac left next so Thor and I just stayed and chatted a bit more

The bartender was a sweetheart and comped us both some whiskey as well.

All-in-all, not a bad way to start the week.

Location: earlier today, meeting a lawyer who thought I was handsome
Mood: hungry
Music: No one has to know where we go (Spotify)
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personal

Falling even more in love

My 宝贝

Found myself back a few years, recently.

I think women people from my past contact me because they know I’ll be happy to hear how they’ve been doing.

It’s nice when people stop by and visit an old, shared Venn Diagram because I’m always quietly rooting for them.

Her: All the paperwork’s done, so I’m a single woman again!
Me: Congrats – I’ll drink to that!
Her: (pause) I’d love to meet your son.
Me: I don’t think that’s too good an idea.
Her: Why?

Alison once said that she was looking forward to seeing me with the kid. I asked her why and she said, “I think that, when you see someone you love, love your kid, you fall even more in love with them.”

Of course, she was right about that, although I’ll fine-tune it to say that if you see someone you really like, love your kid, you may fall in love with them, or at least feel something a-lot-like-love.

That’s probably why I fell for Mouse versus anyone else I was seeing at the time; she was the only one that met him. She was a different person with him and they’re among my favourite memories I have from that insane time.

And outta everyone I’d been hanging out as of late, the Counselor was the only one that met the boy, albeit totally by accident.

Him: You’re papa’s friend from his phone, [The Counselor]!
Her: (laughs) I am, hi there!
Him: HI!!

Of course, she was just lovely with him. That’s probably part of why she made it further than any other contestant.

It also works in reverse, though; when I see someone being dismissive of him, I feel cold, icy, hatred.

So, I’m super careful who gets to interact with him.

It’s funny, after realizing the commonality between Mouse and the Counselor, I’m not so much worried about him meeting people that step in-and-out of my Venn Diagram – frankly, the more kind and good people he meets, the better – as I am about myself.

Me: I’m sorry. I’m just not that guy anymore and you’re not that girl. (laughing) There was once a time, I woulda killed to hear that you wanted to see me.
Her: What changed?
Me: Same thing I told you all those years ago, Caligirl. Time and tide. It changes everything. As much as I’d wish it wouldn’t.

Alison only knew a handful of Mandarin words but one she loved immediately was, “宝贝,” which is prounounced “bao bei,” and means “treasure.”

She would call the boy that when he was still in her womb. I wonder if he heard.

In any case, he was her 宝贝 and mine. Now, he’s solely mine, which isn’t at all what I hoped for.

On the one hand, I guard him jealously for many reasons, least of all, because I know how hard I’d fall for anyone that loves him.

On the other hand, it’s like I have this wonderful gift all to myself and I wish I had someone to share him with.

After all, it’s near impossible not to love this kid.

Him: I know that word, I know that word! I KNOW A JOKE WITH THAT WORD!!
Me: (laughing) OK, kid. Let’s hear it.
Him: (hurriedly) What do you call a fake noodle?
Me: I dunno.
Him: An Im-Pasta! Get it?! IMPASTA!!!!!
Me: (laughing) I get it. Man, your mom woulda gotten such a kick outta you, kid.

Location: heading home alone
Mood: careful
Music: I’ll be the greatest fan of your life (Spotify)
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Categories
business personal

So, what’s your deal here, anyway?

My rusty gears

My son was in his day camp the other day, trying to squeeze between a pipe and a column. He ended up getting wedged between the two when his leg went through the wall.

Evidently, he was hysterically crying and they couldn’t extricate his leg so they had to call the super to cut the drywall around his leg. That made him even more upset because he started telling them he didn’t want them to cut his leg off.

Ultimately, they cut him out and he was fine.

The end.

Her: So…what’s your deal here, anyway?
Me: (shrugging) Brilliant but lazy lawyer. I show up when there’s food to be eaten or pictures to be taken.

I’ve not been regularly practicing the law in over five years. I stopped after Alison lost the third baby figuring I’d come back when things got better. You know how that turned out.

Was just trying to save my family so billing hours, giving lectures, and writing memos seemed…silly.

All the more so when I failed in saving my family.

But, through it all, my boss would send me a random legal question or just simply straight-up check in on me. When we did chat, I could feel the rusty gears of my legal brain start to move again.

Him: Do you still remember it?
Me: Yes. It’s somewhere in my head. I just have to wake it up.

A new legal assistant at the firm wrote me asking me to schedule myself for updated firm pictures.

Gotta say, getting the email was touching. It’s funny being valued for something when you question your value all the time.

In any case, I went and was greeted by all these new and old faces.

Regarding the former, the new lawyers in the firm were curious about me because I suppose they never really discussed me.

Why would they? I’m a depressing story.

Her: Wait, how are you semi-retired?! How old are you?
Me: Ah, we’re playing the game. You have to guess.
Her: 33?
Me: (laughing) Well, that’s encouraging.

Afterward, my boss brought me and another attorney out to eat at Benjamin Steakhouse Prime, where I had an Old Fashioned and some food.

Me: …for example, in the Simpsons, there’s a product called Duff Beer. In Australia, someone produced an actual line of Duff Beer. What does the property holder have as an action? It’s not copyright, as it’s not possible to copyright two words. It’s not trademark because there’s no real-world product related to it by the Simpons’ owners. It’s not trade dress, not trade secrets, not patent. That leaves licensing. So, the legal question is: Does an IP holder have a cause of action for licensing when no previous licensing matter existed. Last I looked, the answer was no.
Him: (grinning and turning to the other attorney) One drink and the old Logan returns with ideas. Go on.
Me: Well, regarding the search for Alex Jones’s phone, there’s a legal question if a cell phone should be thought of as…

I felt the most like my old self than I had in a while. It was as if the last six years went away.

Like I always say, thank goodness for the good souls.

I also saw my mother-in-law the other day with the kid for a quick visit and return.

She made us some strip steak…

…amongst other things.

Thank goodness for the good souls bearing steak and drinks.

Location: earlier today, having a burger with my favourite little human in Union Square
Mood: happy
Music: Lately I’ve been thinking about things I shouldn’t (Spotify)
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Categories
personal

Cascading consequences

Schadenfreude

Me: You’re not thinking of the cascading consequences.
Her: What are they?
Me: Let’s say you meet someone today. You chat, etc. You meet up in, say, September. Figure like six months of casual dating and you two lock it down, it’s now March 2023. You’re 35 then. You guys date for two years before you decide you’re right for each other, it’s now 2025, and you’re 37. You get engaged for a year, you’re now 38. You want to be a young married couple for a year without kids, making you 39. Then you decide you wants kids and try. Figure the first year isn’t great, and then you get pregnant, you’re now 41 with a kid. That’s even assuming the guy wants a kid in the first place.
Her: Well, now I’m stressed out even more!
Me: Sorry. All I’m saying is that you obviously still love him and he loves you. Just have him join my gym and that COVID weight will come right off. 15 pounds isn’t the end of the world.
Her: You just like him because he’s rich.
Me: See – I think of the cascading consequences. Have him join the gym. Shame he doesn’t have a sister.

Trump’s in alla this legal trouble right now, least of which is because of the FBI raid on his house.

I think most people would say that he’s in a quandary of his own making, and that’s true, but not in the way most people think.

See, he and the other GOPers have always needed a boogeyman to rail against and they picked Hillary and Biden to play that role.

For her part, Hillary was supposed to have mishandled classified information/documents. So, when Trump was president in 2018, he signed into law a bill that made mishandling and keeping classified information a felony.

I suspect he did this to have the chance to actually “lock her up,” without fully thinking of the cascading consequences of his actions, knowing that he was a sloppy and relatively stupid man.

Check that, knowing himself, he didn’t even fully think of the direct consequences of his actions.

Add this action to McCarthy refusing to have GOP members on the Jan6th committee and we see a group of people that barely consider the direct consequences of their actions, let alone the cascading ones.

It’s with more than a little schadenfreude that I sit back and watch alla this unfold.

Couldn’t happen to a more deserving fella.

Location: in front of a portfolio of work. What have I done?
Mood: busy
Music: Relax, relax, relapse, it’s a new day (Spotify)
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personal

Hook me up!

Circle

Like I said, people are always trying to fix me up with someone. I usually agree just to be polite and, besides, you never know.

Maybe I’ll be set up with Mary Jane Watson, who Peter kept avoiding for months. This is what MJ said when they finally met:

A mom from my kid’s class has been running me through all her friends because she’s just a sweetheart.

And, because I figure, compared to what’s out there, I’m a catch – the bar’s pretty low, lemme tell ya.

She actually got me in touch with a producer from NBC for a segment called, Hoda and Jenna: Hook me Up!

I had a nice talk with the producer but I decided it wasn’t for me. I did tell them to keep me in mind for anything in the future.

Anywho, the segment I woulda been on ran today.

The woman, Michelle, seems like a nice lady, just not my type, so it’s good I said no.

I’ll let you know if I show up on it ever.

Speaking of dating, the Counselor gone but the Acrobat’s still (kinda) around. It’s all complex.

It’s a shame because the Counselor was cool, pretty, and smart as a whip.

On the flip side, I’ve been chatting with this one woman who seems lovely but super lonely.

Her: I don’t know. I just never connected with anyone. Not anyone worth connecting with, I guess.
Me: I get that.

I’m always surprised at just how many lonely people there are in the world.

In some ways, I feel a little lucky that I didn’t have friends growing up because it’s kinda like that old Edie Brickell song that goes:

Being alone is the
Is the best way to be
When I’m by myself
It’s the best way to be
When I’m all alone
It’s the best way to be
When I’m by myself
Nobody else can say goodbye

Legit. I believe that.

An old friend of mine just completely disappeared. Like Will Hunting at the end of Good Will Hunting.

Except I doubt it was to see about a girl.

And I’m a bit jealous. Part of me wants to do that.

Maybe someday.

Location: earlier today, being shown a broken wall where my son had to be cut out of on the Upper West Side. He was fine.
Mood: pensive
Music: I quit. I give up (Spotify)
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