Tag: single life

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personal

So I smoked a joint for the first time

And got my vaccine – all in the same weekend

Dropped the boy off with my in-laws last week so they could spend some time with him, both of them having gotten the vaccine. It also meant that I could catch up on a whole buncha things.

While there, I had some fish and seafood, neither of which were a good idea due to the gout but I did it anyway.

Arriving home, I literally hit the gym every opportunity I could.

I also had been trying to get the vaccine myself and ended up getting one last minute at 11AM for 2PM a few blocks from BrightBea’s place.

I contemplated dropping her a line but decided against it (again). It was a one hour 45 minute trip from my pad to there.

Because it was in the middle of nowhere, I took my scooter but the cop at the front of the hospital told me I couldn’t bring it in. Not knowing what else to do, I convinced the guy running the coffee cart outside to watch it for me for 10 bucks.

Him: I’m leaving in exactly 30 minutes, at 2:45. You need to be here by then.
Me: I’ll try my best, thanks!

You can see the cart behind me in this picture below.

I dashed upstairs and ended up being the first in line. Immediately after I checked in – about 5 minutes – I turned around to see that the line was easily 10-15 deep after me. So, I lucked out.

The nurse was sweet but chatty. I just wanted to get going. At 2:37:

Her: You’re all set.
Me: Great, I gotta run downstairs.
Her: No, honey, you gotta sit for 15 minutes.

I explained to her my situation and she sighed.

Her: Can you stay until 2:40? Three minutes.
Me: You got a deal, lady.

At exactly 2:40, I ran downstairs and made it just in time.

Him: Hello, my friend! Congratulations on your shot!

Felt pretty good afterward so I hit up my kali class after teaching a quick private. Pez, Panda, Shawn, and Iron Chef all came to my Friday kali class and I saw three out of the four of them the very next day for jits.

While there, I ended up chatting with my buddy Miller, who always gives me good parenting advice, as well as Jay, who got a promotion.

Later on, met up with Chad, MJ, Pez, and IronChef for drinks around the way and made some new acquaintances.

Her: Mary. And my brother’s name is Logan, too.
Me: He must be pretty cool. Not that I am but I’m hoping to grow into the name.

Also spoke to a tall blonde wearing a red leather jacket in the bar.

Me: Have you ever heard of aposematism?.
Her: I’m sorry, what?

On the way back, we remarked how interesting it was that marijuana was now legal in NYC.

I’d had cannabis  in my recent past – after Alison got sick – but I never actually smoked a joint before.

Her: I have one if you want.
Me: Sure, but I have to go first or after you. Because of cooties. (she laughs) I don’t know where the guys have been.
Him: You don’t know where she’s been!
Me: Fair, but, given the right circumstances, it’s within the realm of possibility that I end up making out with one woman or another. Not you, of course, just women in general…

Afterward, we headed back to mine where we attempted to play some Exploding Kittens but ended up talking for hours instead.

Him: I respect how the three of you seem to talk to people you don’t know.
Me: (shrugging) I just assume they want to talk to me.

After a bit, we all ended up on a topic that’s relatively private so I’ll end that story here.

Didn’t sleep very well that night. As I said, I never smoked a joint before in my life and the things I was thinking and feeling were unsettling.

I apologize to Alison a lot when I’m by my lonely. For failing her.

It was a rough night and I’ll leave it at that as well.

It was my first joint but I feel like I’ve been drunk for three years and fifteen days.

Location: saying hi on 77th and Amsterdam
Mood: busy
Music: Why does it hurt (Spotify)
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Don’t let damaged people damage you

Do you want a report?

Lviv’s still looking for her person.

Her: This 47 year-old hit on me the other day. People that are 47 look super old.
Me: Wait, I’m 47.
Her: (scoffing) You don’t look THAT old.

ML also dropped me a line. Some guy was super upset he got rejected by her so he wrote her this nasty, nasty email. I find that disappointing.

Me: There are lots of damaged people in the world. Don’t let their damage damage you.
Her: Thank you for that.

Dating’s rough in general and doesn’t get any easier as you get older. On that note, I also got a ring from the ABFF yesterday.

ABFF: One guy wrote me and asked me how my weekend was. I was like, “Do you want a report?!”
Me: Maybe he was just trying to be nice?
Her: Look, Logan, I’m just trying to keep rapists and murderers away from my kids…
Me: Jeez! That should be a general life goal, irrespective of kids.
Her: …and I agree with you 100% on “LOLs.” Like, what are you, a balloon? It’s hard meeting someone normal in their 40s.
Me: Wait, there’re normal guys in their 40s. I’m in my 40s.
Her: Nope. I’m not doing this backhanded compliment thing with you where you get to brag that you look great for your age.
Me: Well, that’s disappointing.

I think the pandemic’s getting on the nerves of single people. A buddy of mine’s getting tired of being cooped up so he’s been hitting on randos he meets on the streets. It reminded me of a conversation I had once.

OK, many times.

Her: Sorry, I have a boyfriend.
Me: Well, good thing I’m gay then.
Her: (laughs)

Interestingly, Lviv, Mouse, and the ABFF are all at career – and personal – crossroads.

After Mouse drove me back to my pad from the Scenic Fights shoot, I invited her to come in to eat and watch a flick.

Mouse: No. I have a headache. Man, that’s the first time I’ve ever used that excuse before.
Me: I literally just asked if you wanted to eat and watch a flick.
Her: Sorry, still trying to get a handle on all my heath things. OK, I’ll come in. We can spin the wheel of misfortune! See where we end up.
Me: Always good to be positive.

We ended up watching a completely innocuous rom-com called Love, Guaranteed. I’m always a sucker for a good passable rom-com.

While very trite, I did like that that they made this guy who was an avowed womanizer a good person. The women he met, he didn’t end up with but they all thought he was generally a good and decent guy.

In that respect, I thought it was rather unique. Also, they had a the main female character drive a Karmann Ghia.

Me: I used to want one so bad. But they don’t run fast.
Mouse: Perfect, neither do you.
Me: So glad you decided to come in, Mouse…

Podcast Version
Location: this morning, getting pressured in LIC
Mood: busy
Music: save all your dirtiest jokes for me (Spotify)
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Bodies to get over bodies

I understand

Last week was weird, but not terrible. First of all, there was a new contestant that I’ve been putting off for a while.

Me: I’m sorry, I can’t make this week either. Too much happening.
Her: If you don’t want to meet up with me, just say so.
Me: I think what’s more accurate is that, I want to meet up with you; just not enough to break the inertia.
Her: You’re an asshole.
Me: So, I’ve been told.

Because of everything going on, I also didn’t get a chance to meet up with ML but we did speak on the phone.

Me: You shouldn’t trust anyone, including me.
Her: Why?
Me: For me? Because I use bodies to get over bodies. It’s not a good thing. But, it is what I do.
Her: What if a body doesn’t want to be just a body?
Me: This is America; everyone has the right to say “no.” But you won’t. Cause I’m the best you have.
Her: You’re so arrogant.
Me: To be precise, I’m awful. But, I’m honestly awful, because I’ll tell you the truth, even if you don’t wanna hear it.

She insisted on coming by for a “talk” afterward.

Me: You really don’t need to come here.
Her: It’s fine. (later) I’m guessing you know what I’m going to say but…I don’t think we’re right for each other.
Me: OK, I can see that.
Her: Wait, that’s it? You don’t want to know why?
Me: If you want to tell me, that’s fine. I’ll listen. But, either way, I understand.
Her: (leaning forward) Are you sure, Logan? You understand? (kisses me)
Me: (pulling back) Wait, what just happened here?

I suppose we woulda spoken more except that’s when the cable guy finally showed up and so she left. I think she exited my Venn Diagram or I exited hers.

Although, I suppose, that’s a distinction without a difference.

The following day, Lviv came by with sushi, which we had to eat in the kid’s room because it was the only one with a working air conditioner.

She grossly underestimated how much I eat but that’s neither here nor there.

Her: I don’t think we’re right for each other.
Me: (nodding) I’m hearing that a lot. I understand.

We ended up taking a walk afterward and came back to mine, when she got a phone call.

Her: (The other guy I like) is in the neighborhood.
Me: You should go with him. Or go home. But, you can’t stay here.
Her: Why not?
Me: It’s for the best. He’s more your fella than me. It’s fine. I use people to pass the time, and people use me to pass the time. That’s the deal.

I suppose I’m ok with everyone exiting my Venn Diagram because they were all non-starters for one reason or another.

The next day, I was in a car with a female friend, who ran a red light and almost killed me.

Me: Red light, RED LIGHT, REDLIGHT!!!!
Her: OMG, sorry!
Me: Well, I’m awake now.

After all that, I did end the week with one really sweet conversation, though. You see, I made a last-minute trip to see the boy and we spent the day together before I tucked him into bed.

Him: Be safe, papa. (starting to cry) I’m free tomorrow morning. If you’re free tomorrow morning too, you can call me.
Me: (smiling) I think I’ll be free.
Him: Good night. I love you.
Me: Mommy and I both love you so much, kiddo. Get some sleep.

Podcast Version
Location: my oven-like apartment
Mood: tired
Music: Baby, it’s okay if I’m still the best you had (Spotify)
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Why do you have to ruin everything, Logan?

My apartment flooded

Last week was one of the craziest weeks in my life.

First of all, my apartment flooded. See, I live on the ground floor of a townhouse in Manhattan and, prior to my buying it, my pad would flood every so often.

But once I bought it, my buddy and I spent the first few months trying to figure out how to solve the issue. We did.

For well over 15 years, it’s never flooded. Not even close. Then, last Thursday – during that crazy freak thunderstorm – it did. Worse than I’d ever seen it before.

Four sets of plumbers later, it turns out that a rock somehow got into our system. The plumber wasn’t able to remove it but did manage to blast out all the debris around the rock so that the water would/could flow freely again.

At some point next summer, I’m gonna have to have someone cut into my wall, cut out a piece of pipe, remove the rock, replace the pipe, replace the wall, and get the whole thing repainted.

Home ownership isn’t at all what it’s all cracked up to be.

That’s only part of the week but no sense in telling you everything all at once.

On a different point entirely, it was Lviv’s birthday the other day so I invited her over to eat – Vietnamese again because I honestly don’t think there’s anything better when the weather’s hot.

Also got her a small cake/huge cupcake.

All-in-all, it was pretty nice. Well, that is until we settled down to watch a film.

Her: Oh, look at the swans.
Me: I think they’re ducks…
Her: Why do you have to ruin everything, Logan?!

For what it’s worth, I assume no one ever means, “duck.”

Podcast Version
Location: my empty apartment, post Mouse and Chad eating all the food
Mood: exhausted
Music: You tell me I won’t ever change so I just say nothing (Spotify)
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No new contestant

A nice touch

Meant to meet up with a new contestant last week but I bailed and saw the most important woman in my life after Alison, instead.

Her: You don’t have to come, it’s too rushed.
Me: It’ll just be for a bit and I’ll keep my distance. I miss you, mom.

But I did get to see ML for a hot second.

Me: Sorry, I’ve been busy lately.
Her: It’s fine. Every time a guy is with me, their status goes up.
Me: Man, and people think I’m vain…
Her: (shrugging) But, it’s true. (later) Dating in NYC is awful.
Me: It is. But, I think you exchange your sad story too early. People should earn your sad stories and you should earn theirs.
Her: Why?
Me: I want people to like being around me because I’m cool as fuck. Not because they feel sorry for me.

Mouse stopped by along with Chad on Saturday for just a bit to train with us again but then bolted to take care of her family.

It’s a shame because we all just ordered some more Vietnamese food.

She came back on Sunday with sunflowers for me and to say hi to the boy over Skype, again.

They miss each other and it’s mad sweet.

The sunflowers were a nice touch so I picked us up some Indian food. We ended up watching The Gentleman, because of a massive food coma.

The film was really excellent.

Her: (settling down) Don’t get any ideas, Logan.
Me: Heavens, I would never.
Her: (laughs) Suuure…

Podcast Version
Location: my hot, hot, home
Mood: happy?
Music: Don’t tell me to go (Spotify)
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Hating being single

How do you think I’m accomplishing that?

It was raining here for a while.

Me: I wanted to tell you to your face, but the weather’s conspiring against us.
Her: Can I ask why?
Me: I don’t wanna waste your time – anyone’s really. I’m not your person and everyone should be with their person.
Her: Is it the other girl? Or your ex?
Me: That’s a distinction without a difference.
Her: I always did like how you talked. (later) Goodbye, Logan.

I hate being single.

On the plus side, Chad came by to coach Mouse and me on some new stuff that he’s been working on. They both said hi to the boy via FaceTime.

This is us listening to him sing the Rolling Stones.

She and I took Chad out to eat as part of thanking him for the training.

We also chipped in to get him a nice automatic watch.

Him: Wow, thanks you two.
Me: We wanted to give it to you after COVID for always helping us but who knows when that will ever be?

Afterward, she stuck around for a bit to catch up. In a weird but kinda cool nexus, Lviv wrote me about another guy she was seeing.

Mouse, upon hearing some of it, took my phone and gave her her opinion via text.

Mouse: You don’t need that in your life. You can find something better.

If there’s any commonality to the women I’m attracted to, it’s that they’re all universally kind. That’s a baseline requirement for me.

And all – very coincidentally – seem to come from the same European country.

Him: Wait, this is a new person?
Me: Yes. From the same town as one of them.
Him: Wha…how…are you finding them on purpose?
Me: How do you think I’m accomplishing that?
Him: I dunno, Logan. I feel if there’s someone that can figure something like that out, it’d be you.

Podcast Version
Location: Verdi Square, discussing Nightwing with Joseph
Mood: sad
Music: you made me happier than I’ve been, by far (Spotify)
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The only nice day of the week

Taking the invite

Me: I’m probably gonna work out with my friends that day.
Her: The only nice day of the week?
Me: Or, I could spend it with you.
Her: Good choice.

Her: How do I know I’ll be safe around you?
Me: Because you will be. And because I don’t lie and I never break a promise.
Her: Is that true?
Me: I suppose you’ll find out. I have my rules. But you’ll ask me before I ask you.
Her: I doubt that.
Me: That’s what every girl says.

Her: What’s that shirt say?
Me: Atari. It’s a game console from the 70s and 80s.
Her: Ah, from when you were born. Makes sense you’d wear that.

Her: You made out with both of them? On the same night?
Me: There were three actually, if you count her.
Her: (pointing over to the women at another table) You should make out with them.
Me: (shrugging) I’ll need more alcohol, but sure.

We ducked into an empty mall and had the whole joint to ourselves. I might tell you about that some other time.

Me: When is your birthday again? The 22nd?
Her: 23rd! OMG, Logan!
Me: What? When’s mine?
Her: (dismissively) How would I know? Besides, you’re old. You shouldn’t be celebrating.

Me: Beer or cider?
Her: I don’t drink beer.
Me: You just lost another point. OK, cider it is. (cashier asks for ID) See, she thinks I look young.
Her: She’s just being nice, Uncle Logan.
Me: (shaking head) That’s…that’s just mean.

Her: Watch the movie! (slaps phone out of my hand) And stop texting other women when you’re with me. Have some respect.
Me: You’re texting other guys!
Her: It’s my apartment!

Me: I had a nice time, Lviv. Thanks for inviting me down here.
Lviv: Sure. (smiles) Have a safe trip home.

Location: 10 mins ago, walking her to her car
Mood: so. damn. hot.
Music: It all comes back to you (Spotify)
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Pandemics and lifestyle

Going through this very moment

Nick Cordero’s death really shook me. Mainly because I thought he would make it, somehow.

I guess you can relate.

Also, because I know exactly what his young wife with their young child is going through at this very moment. Exactly. It’s heartbreakingly awful.

I wish her whatever she needs to survive this. Making it through to the other side is never guaranteed.

I married Alison for dozens of reasons. One was that she didn’t wear shoes in the house.

This may seem like a stupid thing but changing someone’s lifelong habit is difficult, if not impossible. The key to any relationship – romantic or otherwise – is reducing friction between the two parties. This means a combination of communication and shared interests.

Was thinking of this as it related to this whole COVID-19 insanity.

Did you ever read Guns, Germs, and Steel? It’s a fascinating look at why white Europeans were able to essentially conquer the world both socially and economically.

One thing that Europeans did, that Asians and Native Americans did not do, was live with livestock.

Assuming, arguendo, that these pandemics like:

      • COVID-19 (bats)
      • measles, tuberculosis, and cowpox (cattle)
      • influenza (pigs)

originally came from animals, and European invaders essentially wiped out entire populations of native Americans, it’s interesting to see how something as simple as one’s lifestyle can change the entire course of history.

Having now experienced a pandemic firsthand – again, I don’t recommend it –  it’s morbidly fascinating to realize how much of the world I currently live in is the result of just random chance.

This is all just a long way of me saying, while it’s probably better for the kid’s immune system, I can’t have dogs in my pad.

Which is unfortunate because it seems that every single girl in NYC has a dog.

Me: Oh, it’s 7PM. I thought you had to leave for a date.
AnotherGirlWithADog: I cancelled while we were chatting.
Me: Now why would you do that?
Her: (laughs) Well, you’re more interesting.
Me: You don’t know the half of it, lady. I’d prefer to be a bit less interesting, frankly. (later) Oh, you should be investing. Has anyone ever told you about compound interest?
Her: That kind of stuff is too complex for me.
Me: Don’t put self-limiting beliefs like that out into the aether.

Podcast Version
Location: Home, missing out on a thunderstorm
Mood: stupidly sober
Music: It’s dead steady, there’s falling and flying (Spotify)
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Young Boy Logan

Helping after the fact

I don’t give everyone I meet a name because I never know if something is going anywhere enough to merit that.

But, I finally met up with this girl ML for a first date on Friday night after penpaling for a bit because of COVID.

Like I said, having antibodies is assuredly fun.

And, I’m finding that I definitely have a type because she’s super sweet and attractive.

Me: I would put it in this order: Kindness first, and then ambition second. Because pretty goes away but those types of things stay.
ML: I would say kindness, and then honesty.
Me: Shoot, now I want to change my answer to kindness first, honesty second, ambition third, and, oh, probably big boobs fourth.
Her: (laughs) You’re so shallow!
Me: Wait, what about one, two, and three?! I’m deep, really. I just like what I like.

She was in the mood for some Korean food so I made her some.

Normally, a first date is just a walk, but we’d been talking for a while so I figured it was fine. The thing is that I live on the ground floor of a building so I can imagine that it’s a bit terrifying for someone to meet a total stranger by going through a large metal gate and into a relatively dark apartment.

We hung out most of the night so she eventually relaxed and said that when she first walked in, she was very apprehensive.

Me: (puzzled) Wait, if you were afraid I was going to hurt you why didn’t you run out the door?
Her: Because I gave my mom your address.
Me: But, if I was going to hurt you, that would only help you after the fact.
Her: I don’t care as long as justice is served.

We ended up consuming way too much wine and carbs and it was super late when the night ended.

Me: Here’s a toothbrush.
Her: Do you have a constant stream of people coming by?
Me: (shrugging) I’m just centrally located is all. You have to brush with children’s toothpaste, though.
Her: I’ve never done that before.
Me:  It’s good for you. You’re welcome.

Speaking of children (wait for it), Lviv came by early the next day for brekkie and a cup of coffee as we both had plans for the day.

She showed me this cool filter on Snapchat that makes people look like they’re children – I stress that she’s over 30 in real life. That’s her with an Old Man Logan.

I have my rules, people.

Me: Do you want a toothbrush?
Her: You know, brushing your teeth too soon after you eat isn’t good for your teeth?
Me: So I’ve been told. But every guest gets a toothbrush and brekkie in the morning.

I passed out not soon after she left. I still managed to chat with the boy some before I did, though.

Son: It’s Independence Day!
Me: Yup! It’s a special day: It’s America’s Birthday!
Him: Can we sing it, “Happy Birthday?!”
Me: (laughing) Sure! (we sing)

I briefly checked in on Mouse to see about her dad. She only ever spends the 4th of July with family, or those she considers family, so we’ve never actually spent the 4th together.

I was supposed to head out to Brooklyn to see BrightBea but she was going to a small gathering and I wasn’t in the mood to meet new people so we just chatted online.

Me: You’d be surprised how many people don’t want to video chat.
BrightBea: Oh, I get that. Either they’re really interested in you or they’re really not.
Me: Wait, how does that work?
Her: Well, if you’re really interested in the person, you have to put on makeup and all that, and no one looks great online. But, if you’re not that interested, you don’t want to bother putting on makeup in the first place.
Me: Speak for yourself about not looking great online, lady.

Ended the night with just me and Harold, which is fairly typical of my 4ths of Julys. I miss the boy plus Alison and my dad, of course.

Mouse is right: 4th of July is for family and I haven’t had that in years.

No offense to Harold.

Maybe next year will be different. One can only hope.

Podcast Version
Location: heading up to Harlem
Mood: nostalgic
Music: Don’t know why I do this (Spotify)
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Who am I?

SLBs

BrightBea’s 15 years younger than me. She’s at a cross-roads in her life.

Me: That makes sense. You reassess everything when you turn 30. You’ll do it again when you turn 40.
Her: So, it’s every 10 years?
Me: Well, you’re biologically a different person every 10 years. Have you ever heard about the Ship of Thesus?

I wrote once about it. Essentially, almost every single cell in your body is replaced every 10 years. Such that you’re literally and figuratively, not the same person you were 10 years ago.

Now, what if you changed your mindset too? Got rid of every negative habit and embraced only positive habits? Who would you be then?

For an added layer of complexity, it turns out that people are actually only 43% human. The other 57%? Not human.

All that, coupled with the potentiality of an influx of life-changing ideas and interactions means that we have the ability to reinvent ourselves better than ever, each and every day.

The reasons why people don’t improve?

I think the main things that hold us back are Self-Limiting Beliefs. Beliefs we think and believe to be true that shackle us, regardless of whether or not they are – actually – true.

I realized recently that the past five years have been a series of SLBs born of the awful experiences I had. I was letting them control me for far too long, and forgetting who I am and what I’m capable of.

Her: Whatever happened to your ex?
Me: Why do you care?
Her: (shrugging) Making conversation.
Me: (sighing) In a nutshell, we were always either taking our weapons out or our clothes off. We were always too busy looking for higher ground to find middle ground.
Her: (smiles) I like how you talk. And?
Me: There’s no “and.” You’re here for a reason. Besides, that’s her story, not yours.
Her: (laughing) What’s my story?
Me: I suppose we’ll find out soon enough.

Podcast Version
Location: my empty apartment, after Chad and She came by for dinner
Mood: hopeful, still
Music: love ain’t simple (Spotify)
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