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That’s because I am

Extremely positive thoughts

It’s funny; every time I go through a bad breakup, I feel the need to be social but not serious.

After my last breakup, I always only hung out with women where I knew nothing could happen. Suppose it’s something related to what Caligirl said.

I’m not quite ready to actively date right now, because I know what dating’s like and what I’m like.

Him: Why don’t you turn it on?
Me: When most people turn it on, it’s like trying to drink out of a garden hose. When I turn it on, it’s like trying to drink out of a fire hose. It’s just my nature .
Him: What’s wrong with that?
Me: My rule was always to try and leave people better off having met me than not. That was a lotta people. But not everyone. I don’t like having to tell someone that I’m not their fella. I didn’t like hurting people. Plus, it’s shit out there.

What I’m more interested in is being part of society again: Dinner parties, art exhibits, ridic crazy parties with RE Mike, etc.

To this end, I rang up two women that I just barely knew.

Me: I want you know that I always have two rules for my female social friends: (a) I will never hit on you and (b) I will try to help you out with any dude you’re interested in when we’re out and about. I’ve never broken those two rules, ever.
Faye: Those rules sound great! I am newly single as of a week ago so I just want friends

There was another girl that we’ll call Anne just turned 21 that’s a gym buddy of mine so I took her out for drinks.

We all ended up at Solas with some of my buddies until late at night and then moved to a hooka bar where I refused to have any hooka.

Me: My dad just died from lung cancer so, no. (thinking) Man, I’m a downer out and about. Let’s drink.

While I didn’t hit on either of them, my friends – one in particular – had no such problem.

Him: (hands her his phone) Faye, why don’t you go and punch your number and name into it and I’ll give you a ring one of these days.
Faye: (laughs, does so)

Faye and Anne came back to mine. I offered for Anne to stay over.

Me: Your safe as houses here if you wanna crash. You’d get brekkie and a toothbrush.
Her: You’re great! But I think I can get back ok.
Me: Then I’ll walk you to the subway.

After she left, Faye and I sat on the stoop and chatted as she waited for a car.

Her: Thanks for inviting me out. I had a great time. You and your friends are fun.
Me: Thanks. We try.

I gave her a hug and walked the five steps into my apartment. I remember sitting on that stoop with another girl 20 years ago but that’s a story for another time.

I haven’t really been alone for … well over a decade? Maybe longer than that.

I’m kinda looking forward to being single and social. And being a dad to this awesome kid.

My life’s on repeat, although, there are some nuanced changes.

Somehow, I always survive… even when I don’t wanna.

Which is not to say that there aren’t some unexpected pleasantries here and there.

Her: What are your thoughts on nerdy but hot brunettes?
Me: I have extremely positive thoughts on nerdy but hot brunettes.
Her: Oh, I always thought you were into blondes. My friend thinks you’re cute.
Me: Well, that’s because I am.

On a completely different note, this was in both the Men’s and Women’s bathrooms of where we went.

No one could figure out how this would work.

Location: the DMV…all day
Mood: okay
Music: nobody ever did it like me

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Die Berlingirl 1

A story within a story

I’m posting a ton because I’ve been awake for days. You’re welcome.

The rest of the weekend was pretty busy too. Saw some other old friends, including a woman I last saw 12 years ago.

Berlingirl: Do you remember exactly how we met?
Me: (nodding) Yes.
Her: Tell me about it. It was so long ago.

I met Berlingirl years ago at a club around the way.

I was actually there to meet someone for a date and I thought that Berlingirl was her. So I walked up to Berlingirl and randomly started chatting with her.

After a while, I realized she had an accent that I’d heard before whereas the girl I was supposed to meet was definitely American.

Me: Schuldigung…sind Sie Deutscherin, oder?
Her: (überrascht) Ja, und Sie?
Me: Nein, ich bin amerikaner…naja, chinesisch amerikaner. Sind Sie Jennifer?
Her: (lachend) Nein! Ich bin Berlingirl.

We hung out that night and for the rest of the week before she went home to…Berlin.

Berlingirl, Caligirl, and Gradgirl, all crossed my mind recently for related, but different, reasons.

For one, all three were/are unavailable to me – also for different reasons. In fact Caligirl, once chided me about only spending time with unavailable women years ago in this sad little blog.

She was wrong at the time; I was looking for Alison. However, if she said something similar now, I’d find it hard to argue with her.

Caligirl, if you’re reading this, we’re good.

And I recently had a dream about Gradgirl; we weren’t …us. I mean, we were, but not. It’s hard to explain.

If things were different, well, I’m sure you can guess. But time and chance and alla that.

Which brings us back to Berlingirl.

This was taken 12 years ago.

Doorbell rings.
Boy: (opening door, yells) It’s your friend!!
Her:  (to boy) Hello there! (smiling) Hello, Logan.
Me: (laughing, walking to the door) Hello, Berlingirl. You’ve met the boy, of course. (later) Can I interest you in a walk with us?
Her: Yes!

Berlingirl crossed my mind because she came to town with her family – and boyfriend – the other day. She stopped by to see the kid and me.

Me: To be clear, you told your boyfriend you were coming to see me, right? Sorry, I’ve all these rules. Plus, I’ve been on the other side where a girlfriend snuck around on me and it was humiliating. I’d hate to do that to anyone.
Her: Of course! You’re so…good.
Me: (laughing) Sheyah. Now, how’d you convince him to take time out of your vacation to see a guy you dated?
Her: (shrugging) I told him the truth – that you were nice. The real nice, not the “nice” Americans say when they want to be mean. I told him you were…a good guy.
Me: (laughing) I’ll take it.

This entry’s getting super long, so I’ll finish it later on this week.

Back to dreaming of sleep and my possible pasts.

Location: dreamland, still
Mood: exhausted
Music: she won’t believe me; it was only just a dream

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I have my rules

Whatever works for you, bud

Her: Hey!
Me: Hey!

Ran into a girl from my gym today while I was walking with the boy.  Like I said a million times before, NYC’s a small town sometimes.

Turns out that she babysits in my area. I’m literally collecting babysitters like other people collect Pokemon.

Speaking of babysitters, I was chatting with someone the other day on the train that mentioned that she babysat. As the Germangirl used to say, I’m a talker/glattzüngig.

Her: Your son’s so cute!
Me: Thanks! I have to keep him regardless, but the cute helps. (later) Oh, you’re right by my gym. You should join us, it’ll change your life.
Her: (laughing) Sure. Let me know when you’re around.

She’s super young but seems like a sweetheart. She has a blog as well. I miss having a group of blogger friends.

Speaking of the gym, I legit thought I’d have to change gyms this week for a number of reasons. I even called up a new one in my area to find out details to switch.

I swear, I have PTSD from my old gym.

Him: You’re fine.
Me: I was actually more anxious about this than I woulda imagined.

Speaking of friends, spoke to another young lady I knew from waaay back but never made it into this here blog.

She’s going through a breakup too, as is a friend of hers. We said we’d all get together at some point. She also wrote me something very nice about her friend and me.

Speaking of friends getting together, saw Curt a few more times. He and I have radically different ideas of what it’s like to be out and about in the city. Radically.

Her: 23.
Me: (laughing) Of course your are. Let’s play a game: How old does my friend look? (pointing at Curt)
Her: 25?
Me: OK, and me?
Her: A bit older. 27?
Me: I’m older than that, but thanks for making my night! Enjoy your evening, ladies.
Curt: (later) See, you care about things like that. The moment they told you their age, I saw you check out. And she’s the best looking person here.
Me: (shrugging) Still not my type; just seeing if I’m still me. Besides, I have my rules.
Him: (shaking head) You and your rules. I honestly don’t get you at all.
Me: (getting up to leave) It’s simple, man. She’s not the prize. (pointing at self) I’m the prize.
Him: (shaking head) You’re nuts.
Me: No, I’m Harvard. See, anyone can apply. Not everyone makes it in. Besides, I’m just killing time. I know what I want.
Him: (laughing, rolling eyes) Whatever works for you, bud.

Location: out and about
Mood: thoughtful
Music: makes me feel like nobody else, nobody else

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Serving singles and single servings

Put up the Christmas tree, finally


Put up my Christmas tree the other day. It was a lot better and a lot worse than I imagined it would be. Taking out all the ornaments was the most difficult part.

The one Alison and I loved most is one of me, her, and the kid. That’s the one I couldn’t bear to see.

Me: We were supposed to buy each other an ornament once a year. We only did it from 2013 to 2017. And never again.
Gymgirl: I’m sorry, Logan.
Me: Can you hang them for me? Is that ok?
Her: Of course. (takes them) I’ll be careful.

I keep them under my bed. Because if I have to run out of the house for some reason, I can easily grab them. They’re the most valuable things I own, you see.

The thing with having dated so much is that I run into old ghosts all the time. It’s an occupational hazard.

Saw a woman I met years ago while going downtown the other day. She’s tall and beautiful so she’s hard to miss.

We spent an entire evening chatting and telling each other volumes of our lives and never exchanged numbers. Don’t remember her name.

All I remember was that she was unbearably sad and that I entertained her all night. I think we didn’t exchange anything because we both knew we weren’t each others person but we had that night.

I’ve had lots of single serving relationships in my life.

If I had the energy, I wish I could tell her that I understood now that you never really overcome the blow. You just keep trying to.

She disappeared onto the N train heading downtown and I took the R train to where I needed to be. When I got there, I  heard about another young lady that took her life.

Sometimes, you overcome the blow and sometimes the blow overcomes you.

God, I hate the holidays so.

Location: in front of the tree
Mood: sad
Music: We were young, we were beautiful

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Mentally checked out, but home

The other part of the weekend


Been chatting friends and strangers a lot lately. The friends are people checking in on me.

The strangers are just me trying to remember who I was before Alison.

Some people are better with conversations at bars and clubs, others are better out and about. I’m the latter.

Me: I feel the need to tell you that I’m not following you.
Her: (surprised) What?
Me: We got onto the train at the same time, got off the same stop, crossed the street at the same time. I just didn’t want you think that I’m following you. (pointing) I live over there.
Her: (laughs) Oh, ok. Thank you.
Me: (holding out hand) Logan.
Her: (takes hand) Gabrielle.
Me: Hello, Gabrielle. Nice to meet you. You’re French, I take it?
Her: (laughs) Yes.
Me: Lovely. (turning away) I’m…I’m just gonna keep walking this way. (turning back) But maybe I’ll see you around the neighborhood?
Her: (smiles) Maybe.
Me: Goodbye, Gabrielle.
Her: Goodbye, Logan.

After I met up with Kung and Nadi, met up with other friends, all of whom already have nicknames courtesy of my gym. Kong, Panda, Mouse, etc…

Me: Man, I’m already lit.
Him: Logan, you are way too old to talk like that. Way, way, way too old.
Me: Why do you hurt me so?
Him: Because you’re old.
Me: That doesn’t even make sense!

Somehow, Mouse and another girl end up arm-wrestling on the floor of the bar, which is a story in itself. Mouse won. She was one of the people that ran for Alison.

Stumbled home just after 1AM. Took forever to fall asleep.

Met up with someone we’ll call Artistgirl for lunch. She’s going through a breakup.

Her: My thing is obviously a lot different.
Me: (shrugging) Everybody’s grief is grief to them. On that note, I should tell you that I will probably randomly start to cry.
Her: We’ll sit in the back.

Ended up going to a total of three bars across several hours with her. That’s also a story for another time, I suppose.

Stopped drinking so much last week. Because I have to start being OK with reality again.

Also because everything is just a copy of a copy of a copy again. And I’m just trying to clear my head somehow.

Her: Are you home?
Me: I’m home. I’m mentally checked out, but I’m home.

Location: same
Mood: same
Music: Feels like love is a losing game, that you can’t dodge the pain

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Stuff around the hood

There’s a lot going on this summer in the UWS

Filming TV Show Gotham in UWS

It appears that I may have injured myself a lot more than I thought. A week after I first got hurt, my injury hasn’t gotten better. So I – reluctantly – called up the doc today.

Receptionist: Have you been here before.
Me: Oh yeah. I know the doc as a betting man.

Punch Card for Parties

Prior to getting injured though, stopped by this gathering near my home of some friends where I had a really bad, cloyingly-sweet pina colada.

Her: How is it?
Me: Terrible. Do you want to try some?

The fun thing about this group of friends is that they’re incredibly organized with their gatherings, complete with save-the-date announcements, back-up plans, directions, AND a punch card.

I’ve only been invited once. I may not be invited again.

Me: …and that’s what I think about that.
Him: (silence)
Me: I like to meet new people by discussing religion and politics.
Him: You should add calculus to that.
Me: I’ll consider it.

Japanese Food at TenZan

It’s been too hot to cook so the wife and I went over to the local sushi joint. There are two other shows being shot around us right now in addition to Gotham so we’re constantly trying to get past crowds of people. A picture I took made it into the local blog, West Side Rag.

Filming TV Show Gotham in NYC

And then we worked our way home.

Her: I can’t get full.
Me: I can’t either. Let me see what’s in the fridge.

Location: home again, with an ice pack again
Mood: old again
Music: see what these old broken things What these old wings can do
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Log Cabin Waiting Room

Waiting in rooms

Waiting room in doctor's office

Nurse: Take off your shirt and the doctor will be with you shortly.
Me: Ok.
Female Doctor: (enters the room later) Mr. Lo?
Me: Yup. I like to be shirtless when I meet people for the first time in office settings.
Her: And I like to make first meetings as awkward as possible.
Me: So, we both got what we wanted.

Had to visit another doc yesterday, nothing serious like last time – I hope.

The weird thing about this office was the decor. It was styled like a log cabin in the middle of Manhattan.

Just realized now that my doctor is a hipster.

Afterward, walked back as slowly as possible because of the heat.

As a whole, summer is a slower time for me; judges are away, clients are away, etc.

This summer’s very different. Not that I’m really complaining since the eat-what-you-kill lifestyle means you stay busy when you can.

It’s better to be busy than to be waiting around for work, I suppose. Off to another meeting.

Him: Great news, we’re finally ready to move on …
Me: (interrupting) Sorry, I’m completely booked up.

Location: in front of my desk, editing
Mood: heated
Music: Kiss them for me, I may find myself delayed
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A wedding and a ferry

Champagne: Breakfast of Champions

Logan Lo and a buddy on the Staten Island ferry

Him: Hey, could you do me a big favor and order me some sandwiches? Like 10?
Me: Yup.

Woke up the next morning to an email asking if someone could pick up food for the bridesmaids that had been there since 9AM – the fellas didn’t have to be there until noon.

Women get the short end of the stick in weddings.

So I dashed out and ran around to a few different places.

Me: Do you have any sandwiches right now?
Him: Sandwiches? None fresh, we’ll have to make them. How many you need?
Me: A dozen?
Him: A dozen?! Now?! We’re still serving breakfast!

Eventually, ended up finding a place that could do it, grabbed them, and met up with the groom. We had to catch a ferry so we had to run to make it. And with me hauling alla those grinders.

Me: (breathlessly) I didn’t know there would be an athletic component to your wedding.
Him: Me neither.

The reason why we had to get there so early was because there were hours of  pictures that needed to be taken, none of which I have here.

Once we got there, my predecessor served the breakfast of champions: champagne.

Champagne, the breakfast of champions

After that, it was just hours of picture taking. As an odd coincidence, one of the bridesmaids was the daughter of my dentist, whom I’d known since she was a baby.

Her: Let me show you a picture of my baby!
Me: You’re a mom? Get outta here!

The world is so small and I am so old.

Another Bridesmaid: You’re not really 41, are you?
Me: I’m as surprised as you are.

Wrong card for a wedding

We all got around to prepping our gifts for the couple; the best man accidentally bought an anniversary card for them.

Him: (laughing) I’m just going to cross it out and write, Congratulations.

After the ceremony, it was finally time for the wedding. Because of rain, the wedding had to move inside.

A shame but still very nice.

Don't take my bourbon!

My friend Katie was at the table and fixated on one thing: drinks. Unfortunately, her first glass of bourbon was taken away so she resorted to leaving notes for the waitstaff.

My other friends were more fixated on the cake and dessert tray.

Dessert Plate

There was even a candy station where we could get our fill of candy. Too bad there wasn’t a gyro station. That woulda been sweet.

Candy Station

Speaking of sweet, after the cake finally came out, dashed out with my brother and our friend Tina – caught the ferry home with two minutes to spare.

Wedding cake

The next day, woke up bright and early to see the wife in New Jersey. where I wrote this on the train ride over.

That’s a whole different story and one only of interest to me I suppose.

But I’ll tell you all about it someday.

Wife: How was it?
Me: Good. Tiring. Glad it’s done. I’m sure they are too.
Her: Did you get any sleep?
Me: Some. Not enough. What’s new?

Location: The rents. I’m all over the damn place
Mood: awake
Music: Round and around and around and around we go
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Christmas 2013

Holiday parties to end 2013

Me: Wait, $1.2 million in one day in Baccarat?!

Last week, was fighting a cold and cancelled my fencing class for the first time. But felt better enough to make it to several holiday parties towards the end of the week. Think I gained about five pounds.

One party I went to was at the Williams Club – now called The William – where we got a tour before it fully finished. Ended up drinking with my boss and some clients at a private table in the Peacock Room.

No good rum, so I downed an Old Fashioned or two until 11PM or so.

Another was out in Queens at the same restaurant I had a wedding reception at. Ended up walking home with a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black.

Again, not aged rum, but it’ll do.

At another party, in a club, met a German industrialist and his wife. He told me that they were visiting the US and we ended up talking about Las Vegas.

Him: We can’t go there. My wife just lost $1.2 million there the last time we went.
His Wife: (rolling eyes) He’s exaggerating. I started with $600,000, got up to $1.2, and then lost it. So it was only half that.
Me: Clearly I’m in the wrong profession.

As I do every year, if you read the same book I do, have yourself a Happy Christmas!

And if you don’t, have yourself a happy holiday!

See you back here on Monday.

Location: desk, last working day of the year
Mood: hopeful
Music: It’s been a long night in new york city
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Birthday party at Formerly Crows

And the difference between Veteran’s Day and Memorial Day

It’s Veteran’s Day. Wrote something for Memorial Day a few years back that I think is still apropos.

In case you ever wondered, the difference between the two – Veteran’s and Memorial Day – is that the former is for the ones that made it back home; the latter is for those that didn’t.

Thanks to both groups.

The guy I wrassle with the most turned 40 this past weekend so I went to his birthday party at an old speakeasy called Formerly Crows.

Him: Hey, you came!
Me: Thought I’d come and help raise the average age of the joint.

A number of people from my gym were there and it was interesting to see them in regular clothes, since we usually just see each other in sweats and the like.

Whereas mixed drinks are normally about $11-14 in the city, the place had some reasonably price fare or about $8 or so, although no good rum to speak of, again. The problem with non-aged rum is that it has to be mixed and I just don’t like all that sugar.

So I’ve been drinking more Vodka sodas lately.

Her: (introducing me to someone) This is Logan, he’s hilarious!
Me: Well, now you’ve gone and set the bar too high. Let’s discuss the new healthcare law.

Coincidentally, the bday boy’s brother was an old friend of mine as well and he showed up after a bit, so we caught up.

About five vodka sodas later, decided I’d had my fill and headed for the door.

Walking to the subway, saw a guy pull a fresh pizza pie out of the oven. Figured I need something besides vodka in my belly.

Made it home with a belly fulla vodka, soda, and pizza. Then spent the rest of the night trying to fall asleep.

So that was typical.

Location: my peaceful apartment
Mood: finished
Music: I’m a full grown man And I’m not afraid to
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