Tag: hope

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Companionship

Someone to sit and eat with

The word companion comes from late Latin, with com meaning with and panis meaning bread.

Essentially, a companion is someone with whom you do these daily mundane things, like sitting down and eating.

When my wife first got sick, I slept on the floor next to her hospital bed for a week. Said I did it because I didn’t want her to be alone, which was true. But equally true was that I didn’t want to be alone either.

Nurse: You can’t sleep here.
Me: (lying down) Let’s find out.

I’m sorry for the lack of updates – especially to those that have so generously donated.

On December 10th, Alison was unresponsive so we rushed her to the hospital. There, the doctors had to remove part of her skull to save her life. They said she might not survive the night. I fell to my knees.

But she survived. Then she had another surgery just a week later. That’s three brain surgeries in a month, just days after giving birth.

To say that my wife is crazy tough is like saying that New York City is a small town. She’s made of steel.

Unfortunately, she’s been in the hospital since the 10th and will be for quite a while. I’m there most days; other days, other relatives are with her.

This is not how we imagined our first Christmas and New Year’s as a family.

Still, I go to the hospital and have bread with her when she’s able. When she’s not, I just sit there. And we dream of home.

She would do the same for me, because she’s my companion and I’m her’s.

Me: (arriving, breathless) Hey, beautiful.
Her: Hey.

Location: The same hospital room, still looking at the same river
Mood: still heartbroken
Music: Somedays I’m built of metal, I can’t be broken. But not when I’m with you

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The sun always shines on TV

The love of my life is sick

Screen Shot 2015-12-16 at 2.41.04 PM
When I was a kid, the hottest music video was a song called Take On Me. In it, a comic book character comes to life to be with a woman he loves. It ends with them happily together.

Unfortunately, there’s a follow-up video that few people heard of called The Sun Always Shines on TV, where you learn the rest of the story – he cannot stay and they don’t end up happily ever after.

I once said that all stories end sad; every relationship that matters will always end in tears. That’s the nature of the world. But I think the unexpected tragedies are the hardest. That’s when life knocks you to your knees and you can’t stand up again.

My wife is sick. And on top of the sickness, we have all the bonuses that come with the sickness – the fear, the uncertainty, the loss of control, etc.

Yet I hold out hope that somehow, this isn’t all of our story. That we can find a happy sequel to this news. And in the end, I want what everyone wants when they love someone – for them to stay.

Please stay with us. Please stay with me.

Location: A hospital room, looking at the river
Mood: heartbroken
Music: there’s got to be some way to keep my troubles distant

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We were given treasure

People don’t realize what they have

Vases in a Window Display

I have a problem with people’s ingratitude.

That’s probably why I get so irritated with people who’ve never lived in NYC in the 70s-90s and miss the “gritter days.”

It’s easy for them to miss something they romanticize in their heads.

Me? I look at the ability to walk down the street and not be concerned about getting shanked a gift.

Speaking of gifts, after 9/11, people around the world sent their condolences and … stuff. Nations flew their flags at half-mast, dignitaries cried. What one might expect.

But a small tribe of Masai warriors in remote Kenya also heard about 9/11. Most had not even seen a plane before and couldn’t fathom buildings that tall. But they understood the magnitude of what had happened.

And so these incredibly poor people – “poor” in our economic understanding of the word – sent the United States 14 cows.

For the Masai people, cows are everything. They are, in fact, the single symbol of wealth as their entire culture revolves around cattle.

In any case, these 14 cows were accepted by the US but cared for in Africa – along with a reverse donation from the US of scholarships for the children there.

They’re still there, now numbering 35 or so.

I can only assume that the American ambassador that was given these animals realized that he was given treasure. Things that these people had worked for their whole lives.

Wonder what would’ve happened if the Ambassador didn’t realize what he’d been given and instead thought he was just being given a random buncha dirty animals.

It bothers me when people are given treasure and do nothing but complain about how it’s not good enough.

A 30 year-old man here in NYC just allegedly killed his father because he wanted more allowance.

People don’t see what they have – often through sheer dumb luck – they only see what they think the don’t have.

They possess treasure but no understanding that they do.

Exhibit at a Museum in NYC

I wrote this entry before I turned on news today.

Gunmen broke into an office building in Paris and executed a number of people including a wounded police officer.

It’s a scary world we live in today.

Location: in front of a large cuppa joe
Mood: sad
Music: I guess we thought that’s just what humans do

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The worst day I’ve had in a while

Google will replace a cracked Nexus 5 screen for free

Cracked Nexus 5 Screen

Was out in Brooklyn meeting a client in the summer heat two days ago. Got mixed up and ended up being 20 minutes late – and I’m rarely late. Not a good start to a rough meeting.

Grabbed a bus to avoid walking in the heat and, when it lurched, heard a crack in my back pocket. My less-than-six-months-old Google Nexus 5 just bit the dust.

Then I got home and got confirmation that I lost my biggest and oldest client; they hired an in-house counsel. All-in-all, a rough day.

But then I saw more headlines for ISIS and the poor fella that they killed.

And my friend – who works for a non-profit – told me that he just received an email.

It seems that, because of the ebola epidemic, prices for food and other staple items are skyrocketing. The people he works with in Sierra Leone  – who are a very, very proud people – were asking for a slight and temporary stipend to be able to afford food to feed their family.

How much were they asking for?

$20 extra. For the month.

Suddenly, I felt really ridiculous about my worst day.

It got even more ridiculous as I found out that, 17 hours prior to my cracking my Nexus phone, Reddit just released that Google Play would replace any cracked Nexus phone purchased through them for free.

20 minutes after I called Google, got an email that a new phone would be shipped to me free of charge in a week.

I’ve said a few times now that all emotional pain comes when your expectation of reality doesn’t match reality.

I’ve also said that I’ve got no complaints. I’ve got my people, my pad, my poison, and my person.

Couldn’t really wish for much more.

Google Red Nexus 5 replacement

While writing this, UPS came by with my replacement phone. In less than 24 hours. Amazing.

———–

The following are charities that work in Ebola-afflicted countries and all have three or four stars from Charity Navigator. Skip your morning coffee, send them a fivver, and feel good about the rest of your day.

Location: NYC, where there’s no ebola
Mood: so grateful
Music: Hold on, hold on, we’ve got the lights dear
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You can’t be afraid if you laugh

If only something was enough

Old Fashioned with Rye

Met up with RE Mike the other night at a bar in midtown. Had myself an Old Fashioned with Rye and met some folks.

The usual summer swing.

Church in Manhattan

Lately, the press is all about Robin Williams’ suicide. There’s a number of a things going around that somehow glamorizes the whole notion of suicide in general, which bothers me no end.

Years ago, I wrote about a much less well-known comedian named Richard Jeni doing the same thing.

Felt then, as I feel now, what a colossal waste.

And the other time I wrote about suicide was with another comedian named Richard Gethard, who’s thankfully still alive.

I like Richard Gethard. I liked Richard Jeni. And I grew up watching Robin Williams – remember seeing him first appear as Mork on Happy Days back when it first came out. They made me laugh.

Stephen Colbert once said that, “If you are laughing, you can’t be afraid.” That’s one of the truest statements there are. I suppose that it’s why the people that have some of the saddest experiences laugh the hardest. It’s the only way they survive.

Sometimes, though, I think people just get tired of being afraid. And sometimes it’s not enough.

If I could have wished them something, woulda wished them something that was enough.

————-

Here’s a really good page on suicide, including the main question, “Are you thinking of committing suicide?”

Location: prepping for travel
Mood: disappointed
Music: Oh how can I survive? Will I make this drop this dive?
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When you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you

Demons and Darth Vader on the Washington National Cathedral

Been sick so the insomnia’s been pretty bad.

Have you ever heard the saying, When you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you?

It’s from Friedrich Nietzsche’s “Beyond Good and Evil,” and the full quote goes:

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

In a nutshell, the idea is that, as you fight demons, you have to be careful not to let the demons affect you so much that you’re consumed by them. And potentially even become one of them.

We see it all the time in literature and movies: Oedipus, Macbeth,  Darth Vader, etc.

It’s an explanation as to why narcotics cops can become dealers and defense lawyers become criminals themselves. It’s why we have to always be on our guard.

But lately, at night when I’m awake, the demons come and sit beside me and tell me that it won’t be ok.

And there’s always a possibility they’re right. So I listen to them.

For now, at least, they seem to be wrong and I hold out hope.

Him: I’ve got some good news!
Me: Man, I could use some. What is it?

A lot of people don’t realize that there is a grotesque of Darth Vader carved into the Washington National Cathedral in Washington DC.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? To have our modern devils beside our historic ones?

Location: an hour ago, still in bed sick
Mood: still sick, but less anxious
Music: I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait
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Still wishing for the other side

A lot of life is waiting to get over there, where ever that is

Another doctor’s appointment yesterday. If there was some sort of medical frequent flyer miles program, I’d be able to take a world-trip by now.

Maybe two.

On that note, I still kind of daydream from time-to-time about being on the other side, which is usually just someplace that’s not here. Bruges, Paris, Taipei… someplace else.

We’re supposed to get another storm so maybe someplace warm.

But lately, been wishing to be on the other side of these things I’m dealing with at the moment. Suppose it’ll all come when it comes.

Life is a lotta wait and see.

On the plus side, got some sleep last night. Things look radically different after a good night’s sleep.

Few more of those and the other side won’t be quite so far away.

———-

On another  positive note, I actually have a ridiculous 3,000 fans on my Facebook page for A Great First Date.

And the book is being released on Friday, hopefully on Amazon as well – it’s already available for pre-order on iTunes and Barnes and Noble.

I’ll probably be posting on Friday when it’s out. Oh, and I fixed up the web page too.

Consider buying a copy, or 12.

Location: in front of two screens again, waiting
Mood: hopeful
Music: I’ll lie, cheat, I’ll beg, and bribe, to make you well
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How many times have you called 911?

Last night was something new


How many times have you called 911 in your life?

I’ve done it twice. The first was a when I was in my office in Times Square and I saw sparks and smoke on a construction site where the Ernst & Young building is now. That turned out to be nothing.

The second time was last night. Just after midnight, heard a woman screaming, “Call 911!” and then just general screaming.

Because of how the acoustics work in our apartment, I ran out to my living room thinking it was my wife but it was someone just outside my door on the street.

Went outside and there was a woman whose face was covered – just covered – in bright red blood. I ran back inside and called 911 on my cell phone.

I’d like to pause for a second to note that I was transferred to the local NYC 911 dispatch pretty quickly; good to know that the system works.

With them on the phone, I dashed back out and saw that a small crowd had gathered.

The injured woman was lying on the wet ground and someone had balled up a towel under her head for a pillow. A man, wearing only boxers and a jacket draped around his shoulder, was applying pressure to what looked like her left eye. Two women were leaning over and comforting her, as was a tenant of my building.

She had stopped screaming and instead murmured, “You’re all so nice.”

After I got off the phone with 911, a young lady came up to me and said she called also. We figured out that an icicle from the neighboring building had dropped off and either hit her eye or cut into her scalp while walking the dog.

For years, I’ve been telling people to be careful about the icicles that grow next door. First time I ever saw someone hit by one.

After the ambulance took her away, got into bed to try to get some sleep.

Hope she’s ok. What a way to start off the new year.

On the plus side, it’s nice to know that there are some good souls in the world.

On the street where I live, anyway.

Wife: That was scary.
Me: It was. But it’s nice to know that people want to help.

Location: computer, back at work
Mood: tired
Music: When the storm cut you to the bone, there was always shelter
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2013 Year in Review / New Oceans

Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore

Me: (CRASH!)
Her: (running to room) Did you fall down again?
Me: (from floor) My leg gave out from under me.

At the end of 2012, said that there was one part of the body that is called two different things, depending on how it’s held. This time, I’m starting out talking about my leg.

In The Man in the Iron Mask, one of the Three Musketeers – Porthos – was six feet from the ocean and freedom but found that he couldn’t move his legs.

“Oh, oh!” murmured he, “there is my fatigue seizing me again! I can walk no farther! What is this?”

He holds himself up by the sides of the wall before finally collapsing and dying.

When I was a kid, it didn’t make sense to me that he couldn’t control his legs. In my situation, my good leg had fallen asleep and my bad leg was just weak so down I went. While getting up, I thought of that story.

Started out this year by talking about how there’s no word that means, Becomes stronger when stressed and how a fella named Talab coined the phrase Anti-fragile. Which is good because there were plenty of low points this past year – some happened around us like my aunt passing and the Boston bombings happened around my birthday.

Some other pretty bad things happened to us personally, and I suppose that’s something I’ll tell you about some day.

But we had a lot of good times too.

There were the outings like to museums in the beginning and end of the year. And a trip to Bermuda in-between. We even stayed at a hotel just a few blocks from our house.

We also had friends come visit us, like the one that came down from Maine with lobsters in tow. And those I went to see, like when my buddy and I went to ComicCon for the first time.

And speaking of food, there was so much of it. Southern food near me, hot dogs in the middle of the ocean, Australian meat pies (but from NYC),  pizza around the way, and bar food in midtown, just to name a few.

And drink, both the usual rum fare like pina coladas in Jersey, daiquiris and the occasional Old Fashion to round things out.

To keep me from becoming a huge fatty-fat-fat, kept wrasslin and fencing.  On that note, my BJJ coach opened up his own school called Radical MMA in midtown.

It was a big step for him and a lifelong dream. So I sent him one of my favourite quotes from Lord Chesterfield that goes, Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.

I like it cause it reminds me that we have to fight the inertia and take our chances in life. To lose sight of that comfortable shore.

In the Man in the Iron Mask, Porthos struggles and can’t get back up to his feet. Even with the help of his friends. He can see the ocean but cannot reach it. At some point, that’s our fate, I suppose.

For now, I can still struggle to my feet and do.

And I am humbled to have friends and family to help me along the way.

It’s almost 2014, what new oceans can we find?

Her: (holding out her hand) Here, let me help you.
Me: (taking hand) Thanks. (laughing) Man…I’m so old.

Location: at the end of one year, ready for another
Mood: hopeful
Music: What are you doing, New Year’s Eve?
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A Review of Malcolm Gladwell’s David and Goliath

Only time will tell what makes you better or worse

Just finished reading Malcolm Gladwell’s latest book, David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants.

Actually enjoyed it better than his other books – which I also enjoyed – particularly because it seems to echo things I’ve always believed to be true. For example, he notes that there’s a difference between:

  • Direct hits – where something kills you, literally or figuratively
  • Near-misses – where something almost kills you, literally or figuratively, and it’s enough to send you spiraling into despair
  • Remote misses – where something almost kills you, literally or figuratively, but it’s far away enough from you to help you become stronger

Although not mentioned in David and Goliath, I think that two quotes best sum up the basic idea of the book:

Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong. – Winston Churchill
All experience is great provided you live through it. If it kills you, you’ve gone too far. – Alice Neel

It’s only with the passage of time that we’re able to see if the remote misses are near-misses and vice versa. Of course, that’s only if you overcome the blow in the first place. It’s not a perfect book – what is – but that rings true to me.

David and Goliath uses a lot of religious references (obviously) in order to show how these ideas have been with us since the early days of humanity.

And whether you believe in the biblical god or not, I’ve always like the story of how Jacob wrestled the angel and the angel was overcome. The angel could easily have destroyed Jacob but allowed him to survive to learn how to survive.

I’m not a parent, but I would like children of my own one day. I’m just not sure how to pass this type of knowledge down.

After all, a parent doesn’t wish troubles onto their children. But it’s only through stress does something become stronger, become anti-fragile.

Maybe that’s why I want them to fence, to wrestle, to struggle. I’d want them to know what it means to  get beaten, and then get back up again.

I think that’s why I do what I do. To give myself a daily dose of remote misses and to struggle to get back on my feet.

Location: getting dressed to go struggle for an hour
Mood: geeky
Music: a rattle and hum; Jacob wrestled the angel, and the angel was overcome
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